Losing my way

Lost_Gem

Hi.

I am not sure where to start.

I am not sure where to go to get help but I can feel myself in a downwards spiral.

I am in my thirties with a five year old daughter. I have a lovely husband who works away and is rarely here.

However, I just am not happy, I don't know when I was last happy.

I was anorexic and bulimic in my teens and made a full recovery but I am starting to feel the same loss of control again, not with eating but I feel angry and tired all the time. I was never treated for my eating disorder and made a self recovery and turned my life around. I never told anyone, not even my parents knew although I suspect my doctors all knew but i never admitted it to anyone.

I love my daughter totally but I feel really detached from her. I am struggling to play with her and whilst I can sit down and do drawing, reading etc, I can't play. I find myself snapping and almost being nasty
to her and then I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself for it. I just want to cry. I know I need help but not for me, for her. I am on my own a lot and have very few close friends, I dont have anyone who knows the real me. I dont have any family. There is a long history of serious mental health issues in my family and i am desperate for my daughter to escape it.

I know the help starts with helping myself but I don't think I can.
I don't know what i want to achieve here, I just don't want to be the person I have turned into.

Yorkie1

It sounds to me as though you might be displaying symptoms of depression. This can affect anyone at any time of their life, irrespective of what might or might not be going on elsewhere.

I'd suggest a chat with your GP before you feel it gets even harder to regain your peace. ETA: Getting yourself back into balance will be one of the best ways to help her. And you might feel more like finding more ways to get support for yourself once you're feeling better in yourself.

Good luck.

lollipopsarah

Well done for having the guts to sign in here, that's a huge thing.
Don't beat yourself up, being a mum is hard work and with hubby away doesn't help.
I remember screaming when my hubby went to work up north for a while - it was only for a little while, but I hated it - haha nearly 30 years later - I wish, sad ey!
Please see your doctor for advise.
And if it all gets too much 'phone the samaritans.
best wishes.
xx

green1970

I'd agree that you should go to your GP to find out if you do have depression and be treated for it if you do.

As an aside, I work in a Children's Centre now (admin role only) and I felt the same as you with my own daughter, didn't enjoy playing, couldn't feel happy being a parent, etc. Since working here, I've found it fascinating to learn about schemas and how children develop most of their later skills in life through their early play. Learning about how they progress in this way has made it much easier for me to get down and 'play' without feeling self-conscious, all the time watching to see how their play develops and thinking about what's going through their minds.

Hope you can be happy soon - it seems awful when you look at those around you who seem to enjoy every moment of their child's day/life - used to make me feel like a failure but I wasn't, I was doing the best I could and if you asked my daughter now (at 17) what she thinks of me as a mother, she'd say I was the best ever.... and I am! It just took me a while to find any pleasure in it unfortunately.

Don't be hard on yourself, be the opposite xxx