Ill Parents And Caring : Information Needed

hungryheart

Can someone please help with my queries. I'm at my wits end and don't know where to turn anymore.
However I do know there will be people on this site who can help.

My Mother is virtually housebound and unable to walk far due to dodgy knees and hips. She also has hearing problems and has had a stroke. She now has bladder problems too and has recently had a catheter fitted making her life even worse.

My Father has been a rock, feeding her, shopping,doing the household chores,cooking etc. He has been very strong in the face of difficult circumstances.
However earlier in the the week my Dad took a serious bad turn. He is confused,dizzy and weak. He suddenly looks very old and vulnerable.

I work full time and have spent as much time as I can with them these week, doing what I can to help. I try my best but I feel I am getting nowhere and slowly sinking into the mire.
We don't have any immediate family close by either to help.
My problem is that I'm a weak person who doesn't deal with stress very well. Also the fact that I suffering from depression due to work problems and a long term relationship breakup is making things twice as hard. I will beat this situation but finding help in the modern world isn't easy, especially not been in this place before

I am desperate to keep a lid on this crisis but its proving very hard so far.
My Dad wont let others help them. He thinks he is coping when we know he isn't anymore. I see things running out of control which is why I'm asking for help.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP WITH THESE QUESTIONS BELOW REGARDING THE ABOVE SITUATION ?

Anybody got any similar experiences can learn from ?
The situation isn't unique so any tips on how best to cope ?
Can they get a home help or carer ?
How long can they get care help for ?
Where do I go to get one for them ?
What can/will the carers they do to help ?
Do I or my parents have to pay ?
How much will it cost ?
Will they lose pension and or benefits ?
Where else can I go for help to ease their current domestic crisis ?
Any good websites or publications to help me ?
Any links to websites or help sites would be appreciated.

Any help at all with these questions would be welcomed.

Thanks for your help in advance.

Dunroamin

How old are they and what benefits do they claim at present?

sleepless_saver

For starters, have a look at the quick guide to caring on Carers UK website, and the care section of the Age UK website.

You really need a social services assessment to move forward with this. A benefits check, and a carers assessment for you and for your father, would be a good idea too. And if he hasn't seen the doctor about his bad turn, he really should.

Getting help in place will be difficult especially if your father refuses help, but he may well realise he needs help but is unwilling to acknowledge it. He has coped really well but is obviously getting to the end of what he can manage. Both of you are at risk of wrecking your own health trying to care for your mother so be firm with him.

edited to add - you will need to push to get an urgent social services assessment.

shackalak

I'm not sure if I can help much but I really do understand what you are going through. My mum had a stroke last year (on holiday in Tenerife) and her speech and short term memory have been really badly affected. My dad has coped amazingly well (he cares for my mum and makes sure she gets all her medication as she can't remember if she has taken it, sometimes can't even remember if she has eaten!). My dad was diagnosed with cancer shortly after and had to have an operation in January and is recovering well. He's nearly 70 and suddenly he too looked very old and vulnerable. My mum always did everything for my dad so this is a big culture change for both of them. My dad has had to learn how to cook and I've had to learn how to do my mums hair as she always did it herself and doesn't want to start going to a hairdresser now.

I'm their only child, but have had a spate of troubles of my own (marriage problems, victim of a conman and identity theft and fraud - still got a trial to get through and the press to deal with) and to be honest, i've been at rock bottom too (been off work for 18 months with anxiety). I have worked full time in the same job for the last 26 years and really want to get back to work but so much is going on at the moment and i've just completely lost my coping mechanism and confidence.

These are things I have learned along the way -

1. If you haven't already, speak to the commiunity stroke team. They come out to see my mum and have been amazing. They help with things like using the washing machine, cooking a meal and shopping.
2. Apply for Attendance Allowance for your parents. We also managed to get a blue disability badge for my mum which does make things easier when we do take her out.
3. Check if there are any referral processes through your GP surgery. My mum was referred to a Slimming World class and a local gym by her GP - even though she's only there for a couple of hours each, it gives my dad a break and integrates my mum back into the community.

In respect of you.... please don't forget your own health in all of this. If you have a Union at work, please speak to them as they may be able to help. I've recently had a telephone assessment with Occupational Health and they could not believe the issues I'd been going through. I was scared to death of the assessment but they were wonderful and wrote a really encouraging report. It really did me good to talk about it and i've had two sessions of counselling arranged by my Union, with at least another 4 to go.

Explain your situation to work and ask what help they can give you. I tried to soldier on. I turned up to work with a happy mask on and a smile on my face when inside, I was falling to pieces. If i'd asked for help sooner, I probably wouldn't be in the position i'm in now - worrying how much longer they will keep my job open.

Hope things sort themselves out for you. I really do know what you are going through x

hungryheart

Thanks to everyone who replied offering ideas and suggestions.
I have read your posts carefully and am grateful for any advice at this hard time.