relationship advice plz

houseofcards

i feel regret that i ever helped other half with bills/rent etc. we have now sorted out things presently by both going on dmps. but i find myself thinking it's unfair, im living in a rented room, having to share with housemate with low cleanliness standards and pot habit, plus a job where im criticised daily, and have random shifts, which i cant plan to do anything in my spare time. not really where i want to be. i look back to when i had a well paid job before i got made redundant, and think i could have invested in going on a course at that time if only partner hadn't had got a job . i know it's not his fault, i feel like it's more mine for not pushing him to get a job sooner, which he did get within a few months, then got into debt. all the time the relationship is going down hill. i love him and he said he loves me but im finding it impossible to fancy him, and initiate any intimacy. i was put off when he put on weight, but has now lost it again, although only by restarting smoking . has anyone else got through this in a long term over 5yrs relationship? How do i get rid of the resentment that's poisoning my thoughts? (sorry about the bad grammar/lack of punctuation people, im feeling a bit emotional right now)

londonsurrey

Sorry to hear about you feeling down.

I don't know about how to get rid of the resentment. The one good thing is I suppose you'll know to put yourself first in the future, and never make that mistake again.

What would you have wanted to do as a course? If you are really interested in it, could you try doing a lot of reading around the subject while you save up, so that when you do eventually do it, you'll be really up on the subject.

Alias_Omega

Tomorrow is a new day, and it will always arrive no matter whats going on today.

Time is a healer..

houseofcards

thanks for the replies

tenke

Oh my God... first send you a big virtual hug !!!:j

It is very difficult to fight the feeling of impotence when you feel angry and disappointed with some decisions you have taken, because of adverse circmstances or because people around you didnt pull their weight..

It is hard work but I guess there's no more than looking into the future and take things in the eye of experience..

I had one friend acting in a way that was not very helpful once, it was rather selfish and that made me take a course of action that have brought lots of pain in my life later on.
Whenever I remembered that she could have been more helpful, so that I didnt have to take desperate decisions as I did, made me angry towards her... But the thing is even if she was really selfish, it was me who took the decision, would have I thought with a more clear mind, had I gotten more helping hand from her, maybe things would turned out better for me in that crucial moment...but in the end, life deals all sorts of cards and sometimes we will take the right decisions, sometimes we won't...

You said you wished you had gone on education and even saved money, but you chose to let your love for someone take that opportunity, I think as some posters have suggested, learn to give yourself that precious 1st place, it is danm difficult because some people can really give you a guilt trip from here to the moon, but sometimes it is necessary to fight for what we want..;)

Hope all feel better soon, chin up :T

January20

Resentment will kill your relationship.

Look at the positives in your life first: you have a job, a roof over your head and a person who loves you.

Then think about what you want and try to achieve that. In your spare time, can you look for another job? Can you look for another place to live? Do you live with your partner? Do you want to remain in the relationship? Do you two communicate enough?

BitterAndTwisted

Sometimes when things are not the way we want them to be in several areas of our lives it can become difficult to untangle them.

Sit down and make a list of the things you want to change in your life. Arrange them in order of priority and how you might change each of them. And then try to concentrate on only one thing at a time.

It's often the case that when our living-arrangements are less than perfect that they jaundice most of the other things, so this is probably what I would try to address first.

Unfortunately, we have all done things which we later regret but that does not mean that they were utterly wrong at the time. It's just that with the luxury of hindsight we might have done them differently or not done them at all. That is the issue with your other half. Perhaps he's not shown enough appreciation for your efforts but you can't change that but you could try and change your feelings of resentment. Resentment is almost guaranteed to affect your respect for and feelings of closeness towards your other half. I think this should be a subject for discussion between the two of you to try and clear the air or it could poison everything. Maybe it has already. Try to focus on the things you can change. Easier said than done, I know.

podperson

You're always going to have 'might have beens' in your life. For what it's worth I do understand as my partner has had health problems for several years, I have had to work full-time jobs I've hated to support us, we've got into debt and I've not had the option to do things that I might have been able to do otherwise, like courses and finishing uni. I can either resent that and blame him for it - or I can think that I chose to support him because I valued our relationship more then those others options. Yes, I might have been better off financially but I might not have the relationship I do, life is about compromise and making decisions sometimes.

Also, don't think that it's too late to do those things. Now that we're more stable I'm looking into what I wanted to do in other areas.
As someone mentioned above, think about what you want to change - eg, if you want a new job make a list of ways you can make that happen, eg updating your cv, signing up on websites, checking boards, sending spec letters to companies in the field you want. If you're feeling negative and holding onto things in the past it's just stopping you from being able to move onto better things in the future.
Good luck with it x

downsizer3

You can only make decisions based on the facts that are in front of you.
I've made lots of blunders - some more serious than others and whilst some have had pretty big implications I try not to blame myself as I only did what seemed right at the time.
Thats hard when you're in the middle of a pretty lousy period in your life - but its about moving forward now. Try not to look back - hindsight doesn't really help much - learning from mistakes does.