What do you say about children?

daisiegg

I have a bit of a dilemma as I start to think about Save The Dates and invitations.

I don't have a hugely strong view on having children at my wedding, except that I probably lean towards preferring for them not to be there for two reasons: their parents will have more fun if not looking after them, and I don't know enough people with children to justify providing some sort of entertainment for them, so they'll be bored. However - if it was a case that people couldn't come because they couldn't get childcare, I'd rather they came and brought the children than didn't come at all.

I don't know many people with children - my OH's sister will have an 11 month baby and he will be there as she is a single mum with no one else to take care of him. Apart from that, I am the first of my generation in my family to get married and none of us have kids yet (in fact the youngest of my generation is only 14) so it's only really my work friends with small children.

I don't know what to put on the invitation. If I put that the children are invited, the parents will think I want them there and will bring them even if they could otherwise have got childcare. If I don't put that children are invited, they might RSVP no because they know they can't get childcare.

I know I could wait until someone actually says no and cites childcare as the reason, and then say they could bring the children if they want - but then, what if they actually don't want to come for a different reason and are using childcare as a convenient excuse? I'd be putting them in an awkward position. I'm overthinking this....

How do I get across politely and unoffensively that I don't PARTICULARLY want children there, but that I'd rather have them with their children than them not coming because they couldn't get childcare?

(I sound really heartless, I'm not, I love my friends' children but I do know that they enjoy themselves infinitely more on a night out when the kids aren't there, and also that my wedding will be really boring for children)

What are you all doing about this?

RainbowDrops

We spoke to the parents in person before sendoing out invites.
Initially we weren't going to have any, but my sis had 2 babies, one only a few months old, and wouldn't be able to come if she couldn't bring the kids.

wanchai_2

We did the same! It worked nicely

daisiegg

But what did you say when you spoke to them? I would feel kind of rude saying "I don't REALLY want your children there but if you have no other choice, bring them!"

cte1111

I think it is rude to say you don't want people's children there, so no can't think of a way of saying it without being rude.

If you were just talking about a night out, then that would be one thing, but weddings are usually all day and night events that take over a whole weekend. This makes organising (or indeed even wanting to organise) childcare an absolute nightmare. I have absolutely no-one that would be able to look after my children for the best part of a weekend (which it will be for guests unless they live very locally).

I know there will now be loads of responses from brides saying that it is your wedding and you can lay down whatever rules you want. Of course you can, but if you actually want your friends and family to come and enjoy themselves, then making it child free (or only under sufferance) puts people in a very difficult position.

lisajane8482

We're having children there but only because we have children and my family's kids all get along and amuse themselves together. OH's side I'm not so sure of but most of them probably won't stay all night anyway.

Only thing that worries me is I don't want babies screaming during the ceremony and whilst I know if any of them on my side of the family start the parents would take them outside until they've calmed down, OH side will probably just sit there whilst they're doing it and won't have the courteousy to take them out. Think I may ask OH to ask them should they misbehave/start screaming to take them out until they calm down.

The only time I have ever taken my daughter to a wedding is when her name has been in the invite, if her name isn't on there i asume shes not invited and I get someone to look after her. I've been to weddings where other kids are there but they're usually family members and I don't take offence that she wasnt invited.

RainbowDrops

daisiegg wrote: »

But what did you say when you spoke to them? I would feel kind of rude saying "I don't REALLY want your children there but if you have no other choice, bring them!"

We explained that we were limited on space (true) and that we'd only be having children from immediate family members.
One of OHs cousins has 3 kids, and we spoke to them about whether they would be ok leaving the kids for the day, and they said it would be very difficult for them. In the end, they came anyway as OH is very close to his cousins.

johannalf88

I would just not put kid names on the invites! Tbh if I had kids I would assume they weren't invited and try n arrange babysitter. If I couldn't I would call you, explain that I was having trouble with child care, and ask if they could come! I would pre-empt it tho with I understand number are tight/ money etc, and I won't be offended etc.

You don't ask/ don't get!

But I'm only invitin people I would actually do that to to my own wedding!

wanchai_2

daisiegg wrote: »

But what did you say when you spoke to them? I would feel kind of rude saying "I don't REALLY want your children there but if you have no other choice, bring them!"

We said that we had a limit on capacity (true) and that so many of our friends/relatives have kids (true) that we were in an awkward situation - we couldn't ask some and not others. They all immediately said not to worry, that they'd prefer to have a night away without the kids and enjoy themselves!

There are a couple of non-family guests with very young babies, and we have said that of course they can bring them (we assume that they may be breastfed still or are simply too young to be left with anyone).

Re noise - I assume that the parents will immediately leave the church if they start crying (there is a large vestibule so they won't even have to go outside to change/feed/soothe them). If not, I know that our priest will stop and ask for them to be taken outside. He won't put up with parents just sitting and letting their baby scream through a wedding ceremony!! And I admire him for it. It's downright rude imho.

daisiegg

cte1111 wrote: »

If you were just talking about a night out, then that would be one thing, but weddings are usually all day and night events that take over a whole weekend. This makes organising (or indeed even wanting to organise) childcare an absolute nightmare. I have absolutely no-one that would be able to look after my children for the best part of a weekend (which it will be for guests unless they live very locally).
.

My guests that have children are work friends and live VERY locally (no more than 10 mins drive from the venue! One family lives 2 mins from the venue). I also know that all of them have parents living locally who help out with childcare on a regular basis - so it is not unreasonable to hope they'd be able to get childcare. But if for some reason their parents were away or something that weekend, and they couldn't get childcare, I wouldn't want them to not come.

I agree it's completely different if you were expecting people to need to stay overnight. If I had any guests with children who didn't live locally, I would rethink. But as it is, we're talking an afternoon and an evening - no different than if the parents went into London for lunch and then the theatre and drinks (as I know they do sometimes, leaving the children with grandparents).

AllyS

As long as the children in question are not immediate family, e.g. nieces nephews etc....

I would say as a parent go for it, a few years ago we were invited to a non child wedding (children were allowed in the evening) and it was so lovely, I love my kids to bits, but it meant I could enjoy the day without them getting bored at the normal traditional wedding bits.

We have been to other weddings where a childrens entertainer was available for the boring bits and that worked very well too, but they had kids and everyone they knew had kids so I guess it made more sense.

Make your decision either way and run with it

P.s wanted to say if you make the decision to not allow kids and you do let someone bring kids due to whatever reason, I would be very careful as someone else may have gone to a lot of effort to get sitters and end up feeling a little umpty, sorry x