more birthday party woes

saidan

I am pondering about birthdays.

My children share a birthday (nightmare!).
Ds 2 has asked to have a party with his friend from school who also has a birthday - The other mother and I have arranged this and its sorted :T

Ds 1 has asked for a party too - and here is the problem:
He goes to a special school for children with behavioural problems. The children in his class range in age from 8-11. He is turning 7. The 11 yr old boys in photo's look huge and could easily over-power me if they had a tantrum etc.

I am happy for him to have a party like his brother - my worry is how do I ask the parents to stay? - I've never met the children or their parents (all the children are bussed into the school every day), but obviously heard lots of stories about the 'naughty boys' and know i'll be :eek: if the parents do not stay.
It'll be inappropriate for me to try to manage the behaviour of these children - but i can't just assume the parents will stay
1. they are older and it may be the norm to leave?
2. i've read a thread on here where the parents dumped the kids and ran :eek:
3. since ds has been at the school he has not been invited to a party - so i'm not even sure any of the boys parents have braved it.....

So how can i ask the parents to stay in language that doesn't offend?
Am i mad in considering this?

An.

Nicki

I've done this for my DD who is profoundly autistic and also attends a special school. It was the first time most of the children had ever been to a birthday party, though some of the parents now have them for their children too. We started when she was 7.

What we did was:

1 keep the guest list small. The biggest party we had, had 4 guests.
2 invite the whole family, not just the child who goes to school with your child. We had my DD's 8 year old sibling play with the siblings of the guests in another room, with a friend loosely supervisng and the two sets of children came together for the food and cake.
3 we were explicit in the invite that an adult had to stay. I can't remember the exact wording, but it was along the lines of that it was DD's first party and we would be supporting her, so would need each invitee to have a familiar adult to support them in case they got overwhelmed. As we had invited the whole family though this didn't end up being an issue. We had 4 disabled kids and 6 siblings at the first one and both parents from each family also stayed.
4 we sent invites in via school and offered parents a chance to phone us to discuss any issues that might arise, or come to visit us in advance. We also used a lot of the same resources and strategies that we knew were used at school to make the kids feel secure. We talked to DD's class teacher and got advice about how to structure the day.

I don't think you are mad at all. It will be more challenging than your non disabled child's parties, but my DD got such a buzz out of having her own party, it brought a lump to our throat. It was definitely a day to remember for her and the other kids who were invited and they all came back for the next 2 years for her parties too.

lilymay1

Nothing to add, but that's a lovely story Nicki

whitewing

Why don't you speak to the school and see if they have any tips or advice that will help. Perhaps one or two members of staff wouldn't mind helping out if it came to it.

kidcat

HI, my DS is autistic and attends a special unit, like you none of the kids ever had a party before us so we were in new ground. We sent invitations out with our contact details on so that parents could call us. We used a local play centre and on the invitation we said something like - it will be nice to meet the other parents to get to know each other as we dont get chance to meet. Then when they called to say they were coming we asked who would be accompanying them - disguised as do you prefer tea or coffee
All of the parents were fine with staying and enjoyed the chance to meet up. Since then a few have done parties and its accepted practice that we stay to supervise our own children.

saidan

thanks all

dh has gone to book the party now.........

so i've just got to figure out what to write on the invites about parents staying

thorsoak

Why not ask his teachers about his "best friends" ???

Nicki

I don't think you need to stress or over think the wording of the invitation. Just be upfront about what the invitation is - ie for accompanied kids only. If the other kids have similar needs to your own child's, the parents probably won't even consider leaving them unaccompanied, and will certainly understand if you spell out that you can't cope if they do. If they all go to a special school for kids with behavioural problems I very much doubt the staff pupil ratio is 1:5 or that parents would be happy if it were, so they won't expect that at a private function hosted by a mum with no training and no back up on site.

The bottom line is would you be offended if they invited you and your child to a party, and would you even dream of letting him go to a strangers house with no support? Assume other mums who walk in your shoes will feel the same way and respond similarly unless and until you have any evidence to the contrary.

NBirdy

My daughter (no behavioural issues) had a party for her 4th birthday, and I had observed parents doing a 'dump and run' at some of her friends parties. I really wanted parents to stay, partly as there were no spare adults and a large boucy castle, partly to get to know them better myself. On the invites I put the 'child's name (and parent/s!)'. When parents texted or emailed to confirm their child was coming, I responded along the lines of 'as mums and dads will be joining us, are there any siblings coming too?' so I could get catering/party bag numbers. I did grown-up nibbles for when the kids were eating, as well as coffee/tea/biscuits, just to make sure the adults felt welcome

Sounds like your boys are going to have great birthdays!