Your thoughts about our wedding

smithkinson

I went though a similar thing - we were planning a wedding for september that we didn't really want. We considered going abroad (just a few family) but the logistics of getting everyone we wanted there, and making sure they actually wanted to come, was a complete nightmare.

We are, instead, getting married this July (bit of a snap decision about 3 weeks ago!) and we are having a very small ceremony in the morning (they only had 9:45am left!) for just close family and a couple of friends. That comes to 20 people.

Then we are having our reception at our favourite student pub. They've never done a wedding before, and it's certainly not a weddingy place, but we are just having everyone there and buying them a meal. We will have exclusive use of the pub for the time of the meal and it will open as normal afterwards. We are inviting aprox. 75 people including children, but we were only able to invite so many as the menu is so cheap with it being student orientated. If we had to have less, I would have invited those who were important to me and told others that we could only have a limited number for the meal, but they were welcome to join us for drinks afterwards. I think everyone would have understood.. but if not.. my mantra is 'those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind' so they'd just have to get on with it!

BugglyB

Roz what a lot of people you must have loads of friends! My OH really does not want a 'disco' (he says it exactly like that lol) and hates all the cake cutting etc. Personally I am not bothered either way.

That is an absolutely fantastic idea smithkinson. I totally know what you mean about planning a wedding you don't want!

I can think of just the pub for us as well. I wonder whether they would do it for us. We could definitely afford lasagne and chips and a pint for everyone. Then we could invite whoever we wanted to the pub but just family to the ceremony.

Your wedding sounds lovely

nuatha

BugglyB its your day, go for what you want.
I've friends who are far more important to me than family - to the extent that we'd have moved the day if they couldn't make it, thankfully they can.
We spent a day deciding what we didn't want rather than what we did - and it left us with a fairly short list of elements that are important to us.
In our case we want a day that we celebrate with our friends and family, we aren't formal folk, so everything fairly relaxed.
We need an open space to hold a handfasting after the legal wedding, and where we can supply the catering (we have quite a mix of dietary requirements) and we suddenly realised we knew the perfect space, the pub we met in has a large function room predominantly used as a music venue.
And we decided we'd aim to do this on the £1000 that was sitting in the spare savings account. We have a guest list of 93, which covers those we want to be there and does not include anyone who "should" be invited.
I repeat, its your day, do it the way you and your OH want, with whom you want, in the way you both want. Don't worry about "fallout."

Roz_V

smithkinson wrote: »

'those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'

:j Absolutely 100% agree with this.

We've had a couple of people make snide remarks about not being invited to our ceremony when they'd invited us to theirs - did they only invite us to get an invitation in return?! Funnily enough they're getting ever closer to slipping into the "cake & dancing" category as other behaviour has been pretty appalling recently and I don't really want people like that around me on [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] our day.

It sounds like a lot Buggly, but over 80 of those are family (aunts, uncles & cousins) and another 40 are OH's ice hockey team, and then there are some work colleagues etc... It soon adds up, we didn't realise how many people we wanted there until we wrote a list

Dekazer

Hallo

First off, I hope you have an awesome day whatever you choose. And, ultimately, if you decide later that you wished you'd had a bigger do, you can always have a massive party for an anniversary or something...

A quick note of caution. Well, two. First, I know what you mean about offending people. We're not invited to my husband's sister's wedding. To be completely honest, we are offended and a bit hurt, as are their parents. However, we don't see any way of broaching the subject, so we're keeping it to ourselves. I really don't think they'd be looking at this board, but if they are, or anyone in a similar position is, it's not because we want a free meal, or because they came to our wedding, but because we love them and we're happy for them and we feel a bit excluded. They'll probably never know how we feel (I hope!) but I would certainly recommend caution..

Second, have you fully explored the alternatives? Several people I know have had small/family only/two mates and a registrar weddings, but then had a big party later on - the next day or that evening, whatever. As a friend or less close relative, that feels like a lovely compromise. You're able to express your congratulations and give a gift if you're inclined, but it's completely understandable if the couple didn't want a big weddingy sort of wedding. At an event like that, I'd happily pay for my own drinks, so the costs could be kept low.

HOWEVER, if you're unhappy with your plans, it will marr the experience for you. Although I find the 'it's your day, everything should be exactly as you want and blow everyone else's opinions' stance a little difficult to swallow, there is always room for compromise. For example, if you only have a very small ceremony and celebration, could you find ways to make it extra special for those attending (to ensure they think it's appropriately significant)? Could you stomach a party for other pals? Could you have a party for extended family under the guise of a family reunion (share the costs, all see each other, show them your photos)?

Finally, I invited people to my hen who were only invited to the evening party - I don't think anyone found that weird. Certainly I've attended hens for people I've only had evening invites from. Similarly, we invited people to our evening do whose whole ceremonies we'd attended - I think most people do recognise that we all have different budgets and different sized families.. Relax and enjoy your planning and your day, and best wishes for a happy marriage

jenhug

a relative had a wedding ceremony in a church with a hall attached. everyone was invited to the ceremony, then we all moved into the hall for drinks cake cutting and nibbles and photos. after an hour or so bride, groom and close relatives left for a private meal. they then had a full party in the eve, with everyone back, but you could ditch this if you didn't want the disco thing.

Burlesque_Babe

BugglyB wrote: »

Burlesque babe are you sad your friends aren't coming to your ceremony or does it feel ok?

Hi - no, not sad. We have said there is a general 'come and see us in the bar' of the evening of our handfasting ceremony. That way, anyone who does want to come can do - literally all our friends are scattered around the UK, there is nobody we would look to invite who lives less than 50 miles or so away.

We just didn't want to get into the 'grading' stuff about who to invite to the meal and then have people not able to come because of distance/cost etc.

BugglyB

Dekazer wrote: »

Hallo

First off, I hope you have an awesome day whatever you choose. And, ultimately, if you decide later that you wished you'd had a bigger do, you can always have a massive party for an anniversary or something...

A quick note of caution. Well, two. First, I know what you mean about offending people. We're not invited to my husband's sister's wedding. To be completely honest, we are offended and a bit hurt, as are their parents. However, we don't see any way of broaching the subject, so we're keeping it to ourselves. I really don't think they'd be looking at this board, but if they are, or anyone in a similar position is, it's not because we want a free meal, or because they came to our wedding, but because we love them and we're happy for them and we feel a bit excluded. They'll probably never know how we feel (I hope!) but I would certainly recommend caution..

Second, have you fully explored the alternatives? Several people I know have had small/family only/two mates and a registrar weddings, but then had a big party later on - the next day or that evening, whatever. As a friend or less close relative, that feels like a lovely compromise. You're able to express your congratulations and give a gift if you're inclined, but it's completely understandable if the couple didn't want a big weddingy sort of wedding. At an event like that, I'd happily pay for my own drinks, so the costs could be kept low.

HOWEVER, if you're unhappy with your plans, it will marr the experience for you. Although I find the 'it's your day, everything should be exactly as you want and blow everyone else's opinions' stance a little difficult to swallow, there is always room for compromise. For example, if you only have a very small ceremony and celebration, could you find ways to make it extra special for those attending (to ensure they think it's appropriately significant)? Could you stomach a party for other pals? Could you have a party for extended family under the guise of a family reunion (share the costs, all see each other, show them your photos)?

Finally, I invited people to my hen who were only invited to the evening party - I don't think anyone found that weird. Certainly I've attended hens for people I've only had evening invites from. Similarly, we invited people to our evening do whose whole ceremonies we'd attended - I think most people do recognise that we all have different budgets and different sized families.. Relax and enjoy your planning and your day, and best wishes for a happy marriage

Dekazer, thank you so much for taking the time to post this, I'm sorry, I didn't see it before now. Is there a way for the site to notify you when a post is added to your thread?

You seem to understand my predicament perfectly. I can't simply think 'well blow them I'm having what I want'. Its not just about what they think its about how they feel and how I feel about how they feel, if that makes sense.

My future inlaws have offered to host a bbq at their house for our 30th birthdays, so we have considered having a tiny posh wedding do and then a weekend bbq for anyone we want to invite, wear whatever you like and ask our friends band to play. Only problem with that could be the great british weather as they have a huge garden but a small house.

I like smithkinsons idea of a pub do, but would want it on a different day, because if I'm having it that evening, I'll still be thinking about organising those people and being in front of them all in my dress etc, so they might as well have come to the ceremony and meal. Like as jenhug suggested, I wouldn't be happy with that as I would still have hundreds of people to organise on the day. Does that make sense?

However some friends would be coming from abroad, I guess then its up to them to decide whether they can make the trip just for our party and not for the actual wedding. Then I know some of the idea of a wedding is to thank family and friends for their support and input into your lives and is a bbq do the same for this purpose? *worried*

We haven't announced our engagement to anyone yet, we're keen to get it straight for ourselves what we want then we can be firm if there are any objections and not let ourselves be swayed!

smithkinson

BugglyB wrote: »

That is an absolutely fantastic idea smithkinson. I totally know what you mean about planning a wedding you don't want!

I can think of just the pub for us as well. I wonder whether they would do it for us. We could definitely afford lasagne and chips and a pint for everyone. Then we could invite whoever we wanted to the pub but just family to the ceremony.

Your wedding sounds lovely

Thank you :j we are certainly looking forward to it. We are now not even having the pub closed for just us, as we weren't all that bothered about it, so they are 'roping off' half of the pub and that will be our area to decorate and do what we like with - and there's no charge other than our food and drinks which is great. If you have somewhere that feels like 'you' as a couple then I think it's a lovely way to celebrate.

BugglyB wrote: »

I like smithkinsons idea of a pub do, but would want it on a different day, because if I'm having it that evening, I'll still be thinking about organising those people and being in front of them all in my dress etc, so they might as well have come to the ceremony and meal. Like as jenhug suggested, I wouldn't be happy with that as I would still have hundreds of people to organise on the day. Does that make sense?

That makes perfect sense. What about doing a small ceremony and pub 'do' for your closest people on a friday and a bigger bbq party on a Saturday? your close people will probably be happy to take a day off from work with enough notice as they will want to be there for you, and it will make it easier to tell other people they aren't invited as weekdays are a little more awkward. you could go with a 'as we were having a weekday ceremony we decided to keep it small' line?

it could work for a Saturday/Sunday too if you wanted the bbq to be afternoon rather than into the evening (or pick a weekend with a bank holiday monday - although they aren't exactly known for their good weather!).

BBQs can be a bit risky but could you get a marquee or even just a few gazebos to provide shelter if it does rain? When we were planning to have an outdoor wedding everyone advised us to go for early september as it apparently has the lowest rainfall and is generally good weather.