Your experiences in introducing child to real dad.

Kimberley

I'm asking this to get different peoples opinions. My friends daughter who is 14 has asked her mum questions about her real dad and that she would like to meet him. So she said ok she will write to him and they will go from there.

She was surprised to get an email a day after he would have got the letter saying that he was shocked to hear from her after all this time (14 years) and that he's given the matter a lot of thought and he feels he owes it to their daughter to meet her if that is her wish.

I had suggested to her to meet him first and she has arranged to meet him in two weeks time to discuss the best possible way to introduce her daughter and the dad to each other in the most gentliest way for her daughter. The thing is that one of her friends said that it's best not to tell her daughter that she has heard from him and it would be best to wait until she has met him to see what his intentions are before telling her daughter that he's been in touch.

I'm not sure if that is the best thing to do because wouldn't that be lying to the girl? The mum wants to be as open and honest with her as she can. The daughter knows her mum wrote to him you see and knows how long a letter takes to arrive etc. She will no doubt ask her mum if she has heard anything from him yet.

Can you tell me about your experiences on this and how you approached this sensitive subject?

So would you say no to the girl if the girl asks if he's been in touch?

Kimberley

sherbetpops wrote:

honesty is honesty, is your friend going to be totally honest with her daughter or just as honest as she thinks appropriate, in other words why is she meeting her daughters father before her daughter is? i suppose to see if she thinks hes fit to be a father? is she going to tell her daughter this? etc, etc

She wants to meet the father because she hasn't seen him for 14 years and doesn't know what he is like now, it was my advice to her that she should because if it were me then i would want to check whether he is intending to see her regulary if it was the girls wish, but obviously she doesn't want to hurt her girl and if she tells her she is meeting him and he doesn't turn up etc, then that would hurt the girl wouldn't it?

Kimberley

sherbetpops wrote:

So yes she is meeting him to check him out to see if he is fit enough to be in his daughters life, i think if this child wants to meet her father at 14 then realistically this is up to the child and not up to the mother to decide if he is fit enough, what is she going to do if she decided she doesnt feel hes gonna be a good enough father? not tell her daughter he got in touch? as i said honesty is honesty

What if he just wants to meet her for curiousity reasons and after that he doesn't turn up for the second meeting?

I know what your saying but it would be like just dropping the girl off to a bloke you know nothing about and 14 years is a long time for someone to change, she just wants to make sure that he is serious about getting to know the girl. I also think that the mum should find out first that he's informed his family and GF if he has one and that all the people in his family knows about this if they are going to be involved in her life.

Bossyboots

I think the mum would be wrong to lie and indeed, she should be telling the daughter she has heard from dad. I would then suggest she sits and discusses with the daughter what she wants to do. I do not think mother she should meet the dad first.

From the experience of people I have worked with, I would venture that the best way would be for the dad and daughter to arrange to meet at somewhere like McDonalds which is neutral ground, will be busy and thus awkward silences less of a problem. Mum should go and deal with the initial introduction and then bow out and go home or wait somewhere else. They can set a time limit on the meeting if they wish so if it is difficult they know they have a set time to go. Sometimes working out when it is time to leave is a problem. If they agree it in advance it will be less awkward. They can then extend it if they wish or arrange to meet again. Next time they can go somewhere quieter to chat more deeply if they wish.

Unfortunately there are children all over the country being let down by dads every day. You cannot protect your children from every nasty thing in life. If he doesn't want to meet again or fails to turn up for a further meeting, then she will have to deal with that at the time. The important thing as far as mum is concerned is to not put any obstacles in the way and be there for support if it all goes wrong. If mum does anything to interfere with the contact, she will become the bad guy and will get the blame for dad not turning up whether this is justified or not.

I don't think he needs to tell his family or anyone else at the moment. They need the first meeting before anything else. The daughter may decide she doesn't want to meet again or he might. Or they could forge a wonderful relationship. This is a one step at a time situation.

misty

Could your friend ask the father any questions or concerns she has via e-mail? I do think that they she would be right to ask him - if he intends to maintain contact regularly. It depends also why they haven't had contact for the last 14 years - if it was his decision or her mothers and whether these circumstances have changed. At fourteen, I do think the daughter would be more able to handle the truth - but it does no harm to be prepared and the mother asking questions in advance may help with this.

Also, could the daughter and father e-mail or talk on the phone first before a full on meeting. They would have at least had some contact.

gwinnie

It's a tricky one, Kimberley, and I think your friend is obviously wanting to do what is best for her daughter. I do think the girl should be fully told of everything that happens concerning her father. However, the mother is right in going about it cautiously. It depends on how the girl is coping with being a teenager. Fourteen is a very vulnerable age, and also a time when you mature a lot. There is a huge difference between a 13yo and a 15yo, and it all happens in your 14th year. It depends on if she is an older 14yo or a younger 14yo, how the mum handles it. Also, if the girl is secure in her school and her studies, with her friends, and the usual teenage changes she is going through, then she could handle a lot concerning her father who she's never met before. But if there is any vulnerability in her life, then I think your friend is right in going about it cautiously, for her daughter's sake but also for her own. After all the mum had a relationship with him that didn't work out, so there is pain in the past, and yet there will always be a connection between them through their daughter. The mum is the only one that knows all the factors and the personalities, so I think she should go with her gut instincts in handling this. But it's important to tell the girl what she's arranged with the father and why, and that it's for the mum's sake as well as the daughter's sake. Ideally before the girl asks. Whatever the outcome, this is a good thing because growing up includes learning to handle difficult situations, and the good thing here is that the mum is there to help her daughter through it.

Noctu

I was told that my father was dead right up until the age of 11. My aunt finally told me the truth - that he was alive. My mother still had an address for him, so we contacted him.

I insisted I wanted to see him and have a relationship with him - as is every child's right. And fathers, for that matter - unless of course there are circumstances (violent etc).

But just because the mother might not like the father does NOT mean she has the right to refuse access or lie to the child.

I hated my mother for YEARS (and still have a very short fuse with her, a decade on) for what she did. I understand that she wanted the best for me, but lying is not the way to go about it.

Complete truthfulness and openness is the best policy by far. Please, take it from someone who knows!!