Parents control sisters money

lostnfound

Bear with me this may be long and hard for me to explain this. I am the sibling of 2 other sisters, one older, one younger. My younger sister (33)still stays at home with parents and my older sister (42) has her own house with her daughter just round the corner from my parents.
To paint the scene for you my sister is on DLA for spinal problems for the past 5 years and is given her money on certain days by my parents to prevent her blowing it all in one go or so they say. Now my mother is hospitalised and has been for some time but is still relaying instructions on what, who and when things are paid and money handed over. Stress agravates my mothers condition so I need for her to cut the reins and let my sister deal with her own finances and provide for her own daughter.
Now I know my sister has debt problems which most of which are under control but my mother believes if control is given back she will spend all the money on rubbish ie. chocolate, crisps, juice etc... and not provide for her own daughter or pay bills. I no there will always be a fear something is going to go wrong but I think she should be given the opportunity to prove them wrong all she needs is a little help to understand money, how to budget and take care of her own daughter.
I know we have all been guilty of degrading and belittling my sister but it seems Im the only one who thinks she deserves a chance to become the parent and person she should be.

Just one last note Im the one who most of you would probably class as the black sheep because I didnt allow my mother to control my life in any way, but did things my own way, i fell along the way and this website picked me up now im asking for one more favour help me help my family.

mellonicoley

What does your father say? Where does her DLA money go - into her parents' account or one in her own name?

euronorris

Has your mother/parents considered what will happen with your sister once they are gone? Have you asked them? It may be worth pointing out to them, that at some point, your sister will have to stand on her own two feet, so it's better for her to learn how to now, whilst they're still alive and able to offer knowledge and support.

lostnfound

All money goes into my sisters own account, and Euronorris ive pointed out the same facts what happens when there gone and she cant work with money. Im going down to my sisters today to try and show her what money she has what she pays, deduction of groceries and what she has left to clothe herself and her daughter and replace any items needed for the house. I know it will be overwhelming at first but I will help her get there somehow.
If anything does happen to either of my parents before things are sorted, Im sorry but I cant help them pay anything off Ive worked to hard for what Ive got and im not going to jeopordise any of it for anyone.I have my own family to provide for and they never helped me with anything, you probably think that is selfish but if I had allowed my parents to help me I would be in the same boat as they are right now.

tyllwyd

So your sister is an adult over 40 years old with a daughter and her mother still controls her money? Does your sister have mental health issues? Does she want her mum to have control over her money? How does her mum do that anyway - doesn't she have her money paid into her own bank account?

If your sister is an adult, I think this is an issue between her and her mum. We can only go on the small amount of background given in your first post, but based on that the situation sounds ridiculous to me, and as an adult and a parent herself, your sister should be making her own decisions.

Edited to say - sorry, this was written before you wrote the post above, so it doesn't follow on, but having read what you've written I still agree with you - if your sister has the mental capacity to control her own budget, maybe with support from you or another member of the family, then she has the right to do so. Even though your mum might mean to be kind and help, by taking reponsibility away from your sister she is taking away her chance to learn to be independent. There might be courses on independent living / budgeting in the local college that might help give her more confidence?

cutestkids

Hi

Unless your sister has either mental health issues or learning difficulyies that mean she is unable to lok after herself then she should be allowed to at least try and look after her own finances.

If you are willing to help her by showuing her how to budget and make sure that she lives within her means then I would speak to your Mother and tell her that you are helping your sister stand on her own two feet and that it is time to let go of the purse strings.

She may not like it at first but she will just have to get used to it.

At the end of the day your sister is 42 years old not 16 and she has to take responsiblity for herself.

BlushingRose

I'm confused, if all your sister's money goes into her own account, then how does your mother give her money at certain times. Does your mother hold your sister's cheque book, and cards?
If so, get them cancelled and replaced so that your sister has full control.

Mojisola

lostnfound wrote: »

Bear with me this may be long and hard for me to explain this. I am the sibling of 2 other sisters, one older, one younger. My younger sister (33)still stays at home with parents and my older sister (42) has her own house with her daughter just round the corner from my parents.

To paint the scene for you my sister is on DLA for spinal problems for the past 5 years and is given her money on certain days by my parents to prevent her blowing it all in one go or so they say. Now my mother is hospitalised and has been for some time but is still relaying instructions on what, who and when things are paid and money handed over. Stress agravates my mothers condition so I need for her to cut the reins and let my sister deal with her own finances and provide for her own daughter.

Now I know my sister has debt problems which most of which are under control but my mother believes if control is given back she will spend all the money on rubbish ie. chocolate, crisps, juice etc... and not provide for her own daughter or pay bills. I no there will always be a fear something is going to go wrong but I think she should be given the opportunity to prove them wrong all she needs is a little help to understand money, how to budget and take care of her own daughter.

I know we have all been guilty of degrading and belittling my sister but it seems Im the only one who thinks she deserves a chance to become the parent and person she should be.

Just one last note Im the one who most of you would probably class as the black sheep because I didnt allow my mother to control my life in any way, but did things my own way, i fell along the way and this website picked me up now im asking for one more favour help me help my family.

It depends on the actual situation. Is your mother a control freak who just dislikes your sister's choices or is your sister likely to blow all the money and get into debt and your mother is trying to help her - even if her method a bit misguided?

If your sister is really reckless with money, could you get her to do a SOA on the Debt-free board and help her manage her money for a few months until she is coping with the finances herself.

euronorris

How is she with spreadsheets? Does she own a computer? If not, do you think she would respond well to having a budget printed off, and stuck on the fridge (for example)?

If she does have a computer, and is OK with Excel, then perhaps you can use the budget tool that Martin Lewis prepared. Tell her that a lot of people use it, and she can put in the annual amount for things, so that she can save for them during the year etc.

lamarsi

I understand from what you say you find that this is a problem but is this a problem for your sister? she may be happy for her money to be handled in this way after all the money is paid into her account from what you say so it sounds like she's handing it over to them...

poet123

My MIL does exactly the same with my SIL who does have some MH issues but has her own house. They both like it because previously SIL would just put unopened bills in a drawer and when it all came to a head it took the whole family ages to unravel all the debt and attendant issues. So it can be done with the best of intentions and if both parties are happy then it is not really for you to interfere, even if you have good intentions.