Trying to find the strength

[Deleted User]

Just rambling to try and release some of my anxiety. I think my pending divorce and financial worries are making me ill. I'm really struggling to face each day, I can't sleep, I ache all over, suffer migraines and having this shaky on the verge of tears feeling which comes and goes. A general overwhelming feeling of despair.

After several years of trying to get divorced and sort out the finances I am going to my first mediation appointment soon and can only hope my estranged husband agrees to attend his. I'm told if he doesn't they will issue the papers to allow me to go to court. This has been hanging over my head too long and I just want it over. I'm preparing myself for the worst case scenario and assuming I'm going to court and I feel sick with fear at the thought.

Even though I desperately need my share of the equity from the marital home I feel like just walking away. I know I'm entitled to it legally and morally (we both put a deposit down with mine just being slightly less than his) but I don't know if I can find the strength to fight for it.

Today I have to get my paperwork out for the meeting and get my head around how I would like to put my case forward. I wanted to sort this out between ourselves but he won't talk and is happy to drag it out. It's going to be very expensive and I think he just wants me to have less cash even if it means he suffers financially too.

I just want to put the saddness of the marriage breakdown behind me, move on and start clearing my debt but right now it seems impossible.

That's it really just getting things off my chest

VitaK

I wish you all the best.

Four_leaf_clover_2

[quote=[Deleted User];discussion/3844369]Just rambling to try and release some of my anxiety. I think my pending divorce and financial worries are making me ill. I'm really struggling to face each day, I can't sleep, I ache all over, suffer migraines and having this shaky on the verge of tears feeling which comes and goes. A general overwhelming feeling of despair.[/QUOTE]

All of the above are very natural reactions to what you are going through at the moment OP. There are three things in life known to cause people awful levels of stress and anxiety; moving house, divorce and death. You are trying to cope with two of the three in one go. It is small wonder that your health is suffering. You sound similar to me in as much as you have a physical reaction to stress ie the aching all over, migraines and shakiness. This is healthy in its own way because you are releasing how you are feeling and not bottling it all up.

It will get worse before it gets better. However please know though that in time things will get better, so much better for you. You will be happy again, life will feel good again. I have been in your shoes and really feel for you. I am nearly six years down the line and my life has taken a path I could never have dared dream of a few years back. I hope you will find the same contentment one day.

In the meantime take really good care of yourself. Seek out the love and support of family and friends. Make an appointment with your gp, let him/her know what you are coping with and take their advice. See mediation as a positive thing for you. Let it bring you answers and closure.

I wish you all the best.

msb5262

Hi OP,

I second the posts above - you will get through this, one way or another. I think your instinct to post here is a sign that you are already finding the strength you need, as you have recognised how you are feeling and asking for some support and encouragement.
I too have been in your situation and 6 years on, everything is good. Don't let anyone grind you down - hold yourself together as best you can and it will all work itself out.

Best wishes

MsB x

Living_proof

Hi PennyBridge,

I am in the same situation as you only 12 years on but something has happened recently which has made me determined to move on, in every sense of the word. I will simply walk away from the matrimonial home and move 500 miles to start again. My ex2b has also tried to make life as difficult as possible and doesn't seem to count the cost of legal fees. My children have grown and flown in the intervening years, but not without a lot of issues over the unresolved outcome. You probably feel like you have a yoke around your neck and just have to keep plodding on and being strong. I don't know that I have any words of wisdom other than carpe diem and think of yourself as more of a bulldozer than a beast of burden. Get on in there, and mow him down. And then move on!

GeeBee38

I'm sorry but i haven't really got any advice to offer, so i'm sending you (((big hugs))) and i hope everything works out for you.
I hope you can soon put this upsetting situation behind you, and go on to live a strong happy life.

I wish you well xxx

[Deleted User]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and for your empathy. It's good to know my ailments are normal under the circumstances and that there are others who have been through it and lived to tell the tale.

It's on my days off that I'm worse, I struggle to get myself out of bed to face the day and then I'm consumed with it all in my head til bedtime and can't get my brain to switch off. I just want it over so I can tackle my debt and lead a simple life.

I think if I can resign myself to only getting the bare minimum then anything else would be a bonus I suppose.

'Four Leaf Clover' this is good advice "See mediation as a positive thing for you. Let it bring you answers and closure". I've realised from this that it is closure I want and need.

'Living proof' thank you, you made me laugh, if only I could ROAR!!!

Thanks all, your input is really appreciated.

daska

I'm very similar, the physical effects of the stress caused by DS1's dad included numerous panic attacks, insomnia, even agoraphobia which was a real nightmare. I ended up on betablockers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, the works. I was unable to leave the house and having to go to mediation was a physical nightmare - not least because he'd lie in wait for me just so he could ramp it all up before we went in!

I'm not suggesting that you need all or any of the above but it might be worth having a word with your local pharmacist or herbalist. There are a lot of non-prescription things you could use to just take the edge off. Even some chamomile tea might help.

When we were going through the residency case for DSD I could see her dad going quickly downhill as a result of the stress but consulted a herbalist we knew through our children going to school together who prescribed skullcap - that did pretty much what you might expect from the name, that churning over and over that stops you focusing or sleeping was a thing of the past. If I knew it would be a stressful day I'd put a few doses in her dad's water bottle and get him to sip it occasionally (he doesn't 'do' water so there was no danger of him just glugging it down.)

The other thing you might find helpful is to practice some relaxation techniques or meditation or even putting the radio on a timer when you go to bed so there's a background stream to focus your attention on. Finding another focus for the mind can really help.

Don't be scared of court, IME the idea is much more scary than the reality, especially if you're the one who can hold their head up high because you tried to do the right thing.

The mediators are usually really good, mine didn't even make me be in the same building.

Best of luck

meritaten

I havent been through a divorce so I cannot say I know how you feel about it.
I do recognise the signs of stress and depression though. I can empathise with those.
Take one day at a time and treat yourself kindly! you have been given good advice so far.
A visit to the GP may help - not just for a prescription - but perhaps a bit of talking therapy? ie counselling?
are you able to talk everything out? do you have a sympathetic ear to download all your worries and fears?
Its true that a trouble shared is a trouble halved - and if nothing else it helps to 'get it off your chest'!