How honest should an 11 year old be?

YORKSHIRELASS

Hi, I would love to know other parents thoughts on this. Our DS is 11, a well behaved lad, doing great at school, no issues at all with him. One thing niggles me a bit. We have had a couple of occasions where he has done something wrong but he always refuses to admit it or accept responsibility. Is it unreasonable to expect this from an 11 year old?

The other day we had a real upset when he used his older brothers laptop without asking and we are fairly sure that he accidentally deleted something.

When I sat down and had a chat with DS, no shouting or anything, he became very very tearful but refused to admit that there was even a possibility that he had accidentally deleted the file. I gently suggested to him that people would be less angry if he owned up to his mistakes and said sorry but he just dug his heels in. I was a bit disappointed to be honest. Am I being unfair? Would you leave it at that or should I have another chat with him when the dust has settled?

moromir

Are you 100% the older brother hasn't accidently deleted something and doesn't want to fess up if he should have been more careful with it?

Are you sure either of them realised they had infact, deleted something? My mother does it all the time with her laptop, I don't even know how she manages it!

YORKSHIRELASS

No, and thats the point I suppose. He may not have done anything, well other than using his brothers laptop without asking.

My gut feeling is that he wasnt entirely innocent though. I would have expected him to get cross and defensive but instead he cried as if he felt bad about it.

Ah well, no point in making a mountain out of a molehill I guess. Maybe he just isnt mature enough at the moment to see the benefit of owning up to things.

fluffnutter

There are a number of different reasons why we lie - for fun, to make ourselves more interesting, because we actually believe the lies, for maliciousness or mischief, to get out of trouble.

By far the most common reason a kid will lie is the latter and this sounds exactly what your boy is doing. TBH, I'd be far more worried if he were lying for any of the other reasons. The interesting thing about the 'get out of trouble' lie is that it's easily seen through. Often the accused is the only person who could have done whatever they're accused of, as is the case here (I assume). The thing is, your boy knows you know he's lying, but he's still going through with it. This suggests either a) he's very frightened or b) he's sticking with it because to own up now makes his original lie seem silly and he doesn't want to lose face.

As you had a calm conversation and he's a good kid, I'd suggest that (b) is the reason why he's not backing down. I'd say this is very much because he's 11. He knows about lying, he knows he doing wrong. What he can't do yet is admit defeat and lose face. It probably takes more maturity than he's quite got just yet. But I wouldn't worry about his honesty - that's not really the issue here, rather I think he's a bit shamefaced. I'd probably leave it, certainly for a few days - he'll only dig his heels in further if you bring it up again.

YORKSHIRELASS

Thanks fluffnutter, thats very reassuring. I hadnt thought about the fact that he probably knows I could see through his lie. I will leave it but if something comes up in conversation and we can have a general chat about the benefits of being honest I will probably try and pick up on it.

MX5huggy

The trouble is that you read the Gruffalo to him as a child, so he knows lying works!

fluffnutter

YORKSHIRELASS wrote: »

Thanks fluffnutter, thats very reassuring. I hadnt thought about the fact that he probably knows I could see through his lie. I will leave it but if something comes up in conversation and we can have a general chat about the benefits of being honest I will probably try and pick up on it.

God, when I was a kid I remember denying doing stuff that my parents had seen me do! And I'd seen them see me! TBH, I think it's just instinctive for a kid to say 'it wasn't me!'.

balletshoes

My DD is an only, theres often only me and her in the house, and yet when something happens, she denies she was anywhere near it. Must have been the cat then, eh? or possibly the hamster?

I remember when we were young (3 girls all within 18 months age difference) none of us would ever own up at home, must have driven my mum completely round the twist !

Wilma33

Be very careful here because he may not have done anything wrong! It's fairly hard for a computer savvy 11 year old to accidently delete something. Is it not in the recycle bin?