Bailing someone out of Debt

MoneyMad

Not sure how to start this! but here goes.

Before i married my wife, I decided to payoff her debts and start clean.

We have been married over 12 years now and it appears my efforts to pay-off her debt did not help, as she has continued to get into debt on a couple of occasions during this time. Every time she has gotten into debt I have been afraid that the bank charges, loan charges would ruin us and ultimately lose our house etc. I HATE DEBT and cannot stand having anything outstanding that needs paying. So when she told me she was in trouble i knew she was in debt again, I could have crawled into a hole and never come out. I know we have a problem in that she continues to get into debt and I cannot stand debt so pay it off. The worst thing is I do not know what to do just in case it happens again. If i do not pay it will i lose my home, and will she always be in debt if it carries on. Is there anything I can do to stop her getting a loan, overdraft or credit cards. I thought I was managing things well, by giving her an alowance so that she can feel independent but it has not helped one bit.

Sooler

Get every card she has and cut them up - immediately.

woohoo_postingid

Is the house in Your Name or Joint Names?

misspoppy

look at getting some counselling eg relate so she can she how it upsets you.

yung

the time has come to sit down and have a chat together , explain what could happen if she keep going into debt and find out why she goes into debt there could be an underlying cause.

lynsayjane

hi money mad,
i guess the first thing you need to do is not bail her out, i know it's tough but she has to learn better budgteing etc. there have been people on here before who have been bailed out by oh's and parents before and haven't learned their lesson and got in trouble again. your wife must have some reason she overspends so much, what is it she spends on (you don't need to tell us just think for yourself, or tell us cause we're nosey!). is it through boredom (ie housewife with nothing to do so goes shopping?) or is there something else?

perhaps you should show her this site and see if she can't come up with some tips here. one other suggestion would be to pay it off but then take a payment out of her budget ie so she's in debt but just to you so no chance of losing house but wife needs to learn to pay back debt. if you bail her out every time she doesnt learn.

good luck with it
x

Smashing

Continue to pay off her debt and she will continue to spend. You are protecting her from the CONESQUENCES of her actions.

Can you say a bit more about your situation?
What is she spending money on?
Do you have joint finances?

Could you post and SOA - there is a guide to doing this here.

Wannabesaver_4

Getting her out of the debt means that she always has a safety net, I know you feel you are doing the right thing and can completely see why you do it but maybe sit her down and a. try to get to the root of why she spends, i.e does she have to have expensive shoes, clothes - why? Does she have self esteem issues. And B. explain to her that this is her mess and she has to get herself out of it this time. Monitor the situation closely and get her on this site.

If you can take away all her finanical independence, give her a amount of money daily and thats it. Monitor her post to check no credit cards are being applied for etc.

Harsh i know, but if she is in a vicious circle it will only continue.

Good luck - these things are sent to challenge us! :rolleyes:

chevalier

It would seem that this problem started before you got married. Have you asked her WHY she spends? Is there some problem in her past that means that she feels good when she buys something?

Does she work? Does she want to but feels she is no good for any job?

It seems from your brief post that she might have low self esteem, which she boulster by buying things to make her feel good.

Do you take care of all financial issues? Would she be better with money if it was a joint effort?

But also the sad thing is that she knows you will always bail her out if she gets into trouble, so perhaps the hard thing will be to say no this time, and that she has to sort it out herself with your support, ie phoning creditors and arranging reduced payments etc.

Hope this helps
chev

Bewitched2761

I know you feel as though your helping her out of debt, but every time you do this your not making her face up to the fact thats it is her debt and she is the one needing to pay it off! Do you know why she feels the need to debt? I do feel sorry for you as it obviously upsets you greatly, but I think perhaps after this length of time its time for a change of tack. perhaps to start you could follow misspoppys advice and go to relate

angelavdavis

Stand over her while she logs onto Quidco and orders her free credit report so you can see what debts she currently has (obviously not all of them may be credit cards).

Does she work?
What is she spending on?
Is she suffering from depression or a condition that means she is getting a buzz from shopping?
Is she capable of paying off the debt (even over alonger period)?
Does she realise the actual impact of her irresponsibility or are you paying off the debts and biting your lip?

My parents and I have continuously bailed out my brother - he is now 34 and still can't stay out of debt. He has lost his car due to non-payment of car tax, but doesn't feel responsible. Mum and Dad bought it for him. He has no concern for the fact that my parents are retired and took out a loan to pay off his last pile of debts. He hasn't attempted to make a payment and has barely worked - running up his overdraft and credit cards again rather than working for a living. It has done him no favours and all he does when challenged about his behaviour is say its our fault for not letting him take responsibility! He has had his last chance now. He is having an operation in March and will be finding a job to pay off his debts and cover his living costs as soon as the doctor says he is fit to go back to work.

Personally, I would pay off the debts to limit the joint liability, but cut up her cards, make her keep a spending diary, get her to start meal planning and using oldstyle saving methods, provide her with a budget and ensure she pays back every penny of her debts back to you so she feels that pain and learns from it.