Ex grrrrrrrr

elly2

We have been seperated now for 7 yrs and ex is still causing problems, we have 5 kids together but three are 16 and over and its contact details re the younger 2 that is causing problems. It was agreed in mediation that he would pick the kids up each Saturday at 11 and bring them home at 9pm (the mediation was in seperate rooms as he refused to be in the same room as me) he has not seen the lo's for 2 weeks now as he is refusing to bring them home and says i have to sort out arrangements to collect them from his home, two of the older children have not spoken to him for over a year now and i refuse to ask our oldest son to get involved (relations are strained there as well as his dad threw him out).
He (the ex) has in 7 years made all demands for contact days times and i have never disagreed with his demands apart from having him pick the kids up from school (he is more often than not late and 20 mins late collecting from home is better than 20 mins late collecting from school imo) have txt him today (only way of communicating with him as he refuses to speak to me be it face to face or via phone which was a demand of his in mediation) to say that DD is invited to aparty on sat and does he want to pick her up as normal take/collect her from party and bring her home at 9 (ds is refusing to go to the party or his dads he is 7)and his reply was he will pick her up at 11 then i will collect her for party take her back to his and then collect her from his at 9 i told him i have plans for sat and his reply was so f^^k thats not my problem :mad::mad: and i should expect yet another solicitors letter.

Am i being unreasonable by thinking that if he wants to see his children for the 10 hrs a week he can spare (he is not working) then he should collect/bring them home ? most of the time i have to entice the kids to go in the first place by allowing them to take toys/games etc etc and more often than not it costs me a day out somewhere or having to buy a new toy. DD is usually stroppy when she comes home and is a nightmare to settle back into a routine i stopped overnight stays last year as he told me and the solicitors that the kids were sleeping in his bed but later found that he was waiting till they were sleeping and moving them onto the sette and 2 chairs pushed together, it just seems he is wanting everything handed to him and refuses to make any effort and it makes me sooooo angry i know its important for them to have contact with him but i am sick of being at his beck and call and him choosing (still) how things shall be.

downsizer3

I either drop or pick up when its dad visits for my child - and ( whilst receiving no support or maintenance and his only seeing child for 6 hours a week) frankly I just do it for a quiet life. Personally I'd pick your daughter up for party but not take her back - if he wants to see her - he can collect her.
It all sounds very unreasonable on his part and I'm sure his solicitor is well and truly sick of him if he carries on like this regularly. Let him write letters - I think you're being more than reasonable!!
Hang in there - yuor daughter will soon stop wanting to go by the sounds of it!

mgdavid

it seems only fair that you both share the transport responsibilities equally.
As to this specific day, too late now perhaps, but could you have suggested he has the child on Sunday instead of Saturday so to avoid a diary clash with the party?

FBaby

It's a bit confusing. How far away does he live? What time is the party? Does he drive? Are you suggesting that he comes to pick up DS and DD at 11, take them home, then drive DD to party - what is he supposed to do then, stay there or do something else in the meantime, will you DS have to come or will he stay at his dad during that time?- then drive back to his, and then bring them back again at 9pm?

It sounds very confusing and tedious, especially if we are talking about a certain distance.

cord123

I'm sorry he sounds like an idiot!
So on the day he has the children he wants you to do all the running around even though all week thats what you do!!
I think you are completely in the right with what you are saying! Also, 9pm seems really late to drop the kids off at night at their age. why doesnt he pick them up earlier on a staurday and have them home by 7?x

daska

OP it's HIS choice to be difficult and refuse to take her, let him deal with the fall out. In the long run you have to let them have 'their' relationship and if he f^^k's it up that is HIS problem. Yes, you'll have a sad little girl but if you bail him out all she'll learn is that you think bullies should get their own way. He agreed to collection and return - which is the norm for the absent parent - so he is the one in the wrong. Tell him it is his responsibility and that if he doesn't live up to his side of the agreement he'll be hearing from your solicitor.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Let him get on with it.

The solicitor will tell him he should pick them up and drop them off. And to stop wasting his time and try speaking to you, in all probability.


And if he chooses not to do that, well - he obviously isn't that interested (my ex #1 would have walked a hundred miles to collect DD1 from school and drop her off again, and I don't think he was late once in 18 years; annoyingly early to the point of banging on the door 90 minutes early, yes, but late, no) - and it doesn't really sound as though their lives are being enriched by him.

elly2

Sorry not sure how to quote but to answer a few questions ex lives about 15 mins walk away the party is 3-5 and is about 25 mins walk away (i gave him the option of taking DD to the party so he couldnt claim that i had refused acces (i have made arrangements to get DD to the party from home as wasnt sure if he was going to see DD)DS has refused to go to either (fancy dress isnt his thing and he says it is boring at his dads they seem to sit in the house all day). He can drive but has no car at present(but again it is only 15 mins), and although i know that goes both ways we both had the children and i dont think he is being fair re his responsibility its 10 hrs and half an hour walk each week again his arrangement/demand, he pays no money, owes thousands in back dated csa payments has been to 2 school events last year (out of who knows how many) (sorry for the rant)

Although there is a party this sat he refuses to see the children on a different day to the sat that he wants (unless he again decides to change the day he has them a few weeks ago he informed me that he wanted them on a fri but then changed back to the sat 3 days later) (new cry is that any changes are "not his problem" which is a great improvement to what he used to tell me :eek:.
I myself have plans on sat so can't collect DD again thats not his problem (which it isnt but he seems to keep making this demand) DS wont go so oldest DD will be watching him at home (she will not be dragging DS out at 9pm to collect DD from her dads (she has no wish to see him DD2 isnt living at home so i cant ask her and again she has no wish to see him).
It is confusing both to me and the kids and tbh he has had the kids whenever suits him if i say a day doesnt suit i get told tough thats the day I want them its your problem change the routine to fit:mad: like its ever that easy.

FBaby

Some nrps would say that on the arranged days the children are with them, it is up to them what they do with the children on these days, not for the pwc to make arrangements and then expect then nrp to adjust their plans for the day around these. In a way, i can understand that, afterall, they don't tell the pwc how to arrange the days the children are with them. Saying that, it is expected that children will have parties they want to go to on Saturdays, so nrps should expect having to make amendments for these.

My ex was always very reluctant to take the kids to parties when they were with them, mainly because he didn't want the travel (he too was on foot, and parties usually within 20 minutes walk), but more importantly because he felt self conscious, being there with mainly mums who many of them I was friendly with. It got easier when he could just drop the kids off, but then it meant even more walking around which he didn't want to do. At the same time, he didn't really want to tell his kids that they couldn't go when it would have upset them. To help, I never agreed to a party before asking him if it was ok. That to me was the minimum respect I owed him. If he became difficult about it, we made arrangements, either changing the days of visitation, or asking friends to pick them up, usually, as parties are in the afternoon, he would drop them there and I would pick them up. It all comes down to decent communication between two people who don't see eye to eye.

elly2

I txt him on monday with the party details and he txt me to ask what the kids wanted to do and for me to let him know which is what i did today seemingly he sees it that he has collected/brought home the children for the last 4 yrs and is now refusing to do it any more (i found this out an hour ago) as he has done his bit :eek:.

Hanging_by_a_thread

What a fool your ex is OP. Of the three kids you have together who are over 16, two have not spoken to him for over a year. The eldest has a very strained realtionship with him as well.

The younger two have to be persuaded and enticed to go and see him. His actions are going to cost him dear aren't they. I predict in a year or so none of his children will be bothered whether they see him or not.

If I were in your position I would get a solicitor to draw up a letter to him, formalising when he sees the kids, and stating that it is his responsibility to collect them and drop them off. Also to ferry them around if they have parties etc to attend. That is all part of being a parent isn't it. Either he wants to be properly involved in your kids lives or he doesn't. Stop letting him call all the shots and start laying down your own ground rules.