Your thoughts and experiences on the cheated on partner deciding to call it a day

londonsurrey

I know two friends who are going through the end of a marriage, where the wife has just cheated for the second time. They've both friends of mine, and they confide in me because I try to be impartial and straight with them. They also know that talking to me results in sometimes painful home truths because I'm straight with them. Lol.

But I'm curious to know the viewpoint from others about the veracity or not of this proposition, "It's a peculiarly sadistic torture to be the one to end it when you're the innocent party", i.e. the cheating one is happy to go on being married, and basically wants the best of both worlds, the honeymoon period of chasing after new people and attention from more parties, whilst enjoying the financial stability and love of the spouse.

floss2

I was fed up of being taken for a fool, and for him believeing that I would forgive him every time it happened, so I told him I wanted to move on in my life and that no longer included him. It was hard, especially as we have two sons, but it was definitely the right thing to do and the right time to do it.

At the end of the day you may be the innocent party but you are the injured one.

sportbeth

i was the party who was repeatedly cheated on (as you can see from my recent post on Divorce costs) and I left my husband in November having told him in June that I would be going.

To be fair it wasnt that tough on me (I did all my grieving for the relationship in 2008/9) but he is now alone and playing the injured party with me and all of our friends. My ex would have been happy to carry on cheating and being "happily" married, he even wrote in an email to me a couple of months back "if you'd just stopped looking for evidence of my affairs we'd still be happily married"!

It was horrific at the time thinking of ending it before I got my head around it. I knew I had to walk away for my own sanity, but I felt totally bitter about it as I had always done right by him.

a few years on though and I am truly, genuinely happy.

euronorris

londonsurrey wrote: »

But I'm curious to know the viewpoint from others about the veracity or not of this proposition, "It's a peculiarly sadistic torture to be the one to end it when you're the innocent party", i.e. the cheating one is happy to go on being married, and basically wants the best of both worlds, the honeymoon period of chasing after new people and attention from more parties, whilst enjoying the financial stability and love of the spouse.

I'm confused by the statement, and the explanation that follows it. Who was it made by? The cheater? Or the innocent party?

Is the innocent party upset that they feel they have to end things, because the cheater won't?

If so, it sucks, but only they know if this is something they can or want to overcome. If they can't or don't want to continue the marriage, then that is perfectly understandable and have no reason for feeling guilty.

My experience tells me though, that cheaters are very good at making the innocent party feel as though the end of the relationship is all their fault, when in fact the opposite is true.

So, if anything, the innocent party needs to be reminded about why they are making the choice they are. It wasn't their betrayal that led them to that decision, it was the cheaters!

Tiddlywinks

londonsurrey wrote: »

But I'm curious to know the viewpoint from others about the veracity or not of this proposition, "It's a peculiarly sadistic torture to be the one to end it when you're the innocent party", i.e. the cheating one is happy to go on being married, and basically wants the best of both worlds, the honeymoon period of chasing after new people and attention from more parties, whilst enjoying the financial stability and love of the spouse.

Eh?

Sadistic = getting pleasure from inflicting cruel acts

How does THAT apply to the "innocent party" if they decide to end the relationship? Are you saying that you feel that the act of leaving is cruel as in it takes away the cosy life of the cheater?

My opinion? You're over-thinking the scenario.... if a partner cheats, accept it or don't accept it - it's an individual choice and usually has a lot to do with self worth and confidence (or lack of it).

Getting revenge is a whole new ball game and I wouldn't necessarily call it sadistic, just equality of treatment.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I think it is in the context of the person who cheated doesn't even have the balls to finish it themselves, they get caught out and still refuse to make a decision because they like screwing around - but force the one who has been betrayed to 'take responsibility' for ending the marriage, when they never even looked at someone else, never mind cheated.

euronorris

Yeah, that is what I am thinking is going on here too JoJo.

Which is pretty typical behaviour of a cheat (especially a serial cheat). Don't ever want to take responsibility for their mistakes. Everything is someone else's fault!

Welshwoofs

The choice to end the relationship is not in the hands of the cheater when their deceptions have been uncovered, it is in the hands of the victim of cheating. It would be absolutely unreasonable of the cheater to expect forgiveness, let alone a free pass to continue having their cake and eating it.

In other words, if you're going to cheat then be prepared to deal with the fact that when you're found out, your partner is quite likely to tell you to take a hike and your life will undergo some dramatic changes.

Of course some cheaters are weasily enough to play the victim card when found out rather than just man up and deal with the consequences.

Hanging_by_a_thread

londonsurrey wrote: »

But I'm curious to know the viewpoint from others about the veracity or not of this proposition, "It's a peculiarly sadistic torture to be the one to end it when you're the innocent party", i.e. the cheating one is happy to go on being married, and basically wants the best of both worlds, the honeymoon period of chasing after new people and attention from more parties, whilst enjoying the financial stability and love of the spouse.

Why is it torture to end a relationship with someone who shows you no love or value? On the contrary I think being the innocent party, and having enough self repsect to call a day on a relationship where you are being used as a safety net and as financial security, should be liberating. The innocent one is well rid. Staying married would mean experiencing sadistic torture wouldn't it?