Help - advice needed!

Rhys1927

This is my first post after visiting this board for advice over a number of years, but never had the guts to post.

Am I being selfish?

Just wanted some advic, as I am at the end of my tether.

My wife and I have been married for 6.5 years and although we have no children ourselves (tried IVF etc) we are very happy.

The problem relates to my wife’s side of the family.

Her mother passed away 3-4 years ago and since then it’s been a struggle. Her brother relies very heavily upon us to babysit his children.

Her brother works shifts (day and nights) and thus when his wife is working (part time) we take care of their 2 boys (aged 5 and 2). We can look after the kids one day every weekend up three consecutive weeks. They are not the best behaved kids and thus it’s a very tiring job for us both.

Recently my sister in law (his wife) has had a back operation (after breaking her back in a car crash) and is currently laid up in hospital recovering. The brother in law deems it ok to leave one of his children (the youngest 2 year old) with us whilst he takes the eldest to visit his mum.

As I’ve mentioned earlier the youngest is a handful and is not very well behaved, but surely dumping the youngest on us constantly (this is not the first time, he also leaves the youngest with us whilst the eldest is at football training, swimming and taekwondo training with his dad) is unfair as my wife and both work full time and I suffer with serious kidney failure and SLE (Lupus).

I explain to my wife that taking both kids to visit his mum is all part of being a parent and that he should man up and take his responsibility seriously, as his wife manages most of the time alone with both kids.

My father in law is not allowed to babysit at all as he cannot be trusted to keep an eye on them and to be honest he has very little patience with anyone.

I appreciate that it sounds selfish but I feel like he is taking liberties over us, its beginning to cause waves in our marriage. Obviously my wife is trying to replace her mum by being the chief babysitter, but I feel he’s taking advantage of her / us.

All opinions welcome.

balletshoes

No, you're not being selfish.
However, to be honest, if your wife doesn't really have a problem with all the babysitting she's doing for her nephew, and she's happy to do it, I'm not really sure what you can do about it? In her circumstances (SIL in hospital) I don't think, even if I were unhappy about the amount of babysitting I was doing, I'd be broaching the subject while SIL is so ill and not able to do anything.

Once SIL is out of hospital, has recovered fully, and everything is back to the old routine, that would be the time to tackle her brother about changing the arrangements to suit everyone more. Its something to be sorted out between the siblings mostly, I'd say.

podperson

I don't think you're necessarily being selfish - but your BIL is not a mind reader either. If you've been happy to have the kids before and have never said anything about him dropping them off too much or how much it tires you out then how is he supposed to know?

Is it the regular babysitting while they're at work that you have a problem with or just the extra at the moment while your SIL is in hospital - if it's the latter that's obviously not going to be a long term thing and while it might be irritating I'm sure you would hope for family to help you out if the situation was reversed. If it's the former then I agree with balletshoes - maybe wait until SIL is out of hospital and then sit down and have a talk with them about cutting back on the times you take the kids.

Any

podperson wrote: »

I don't think you're necessarily being selfish - but your BIL is not a mind reader either. If you've been happy to have the kids before and have never said anything about him dropping them off too much or how much it tires you out then how is he supposed to know?

Is it the regular babysitting while they're at work that you have a problem with or just the extra at the moment while your SIL is in hospital - if it's the latter that's obviously not going to be a long term thing and while it might be irritating I'm sure you would hope for family to help you out if the situation was reversed. If it's the former then I agree with balletshoes - maybe wait until SIL is out of hospital and then sit down and have a talk with them about cutting back on the times you take the kids.

I agree with the above and Balletshoes.
Also it seems your wife had encouraged and possibly still is encouraging regular babysitting help to replace her mother in "chief babysitter" duties so seriously, how is he/they supposed to know that now suddenly it is a problem?

You need to speak to your wife and say that you have a problem with it and how you feel and agree on the amount of babysitting you are willing to take on.
That is the starting point.

It is not being selfish - you are no ones keeper (neither is your wife), they are their children and help should not be automaticaly expected. It is not easy looking after someone elses children, it is testing ones limits of patience etc especially if you don't have a word in their upbringing, behavioural issues etc.

Sashk

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think you are being taken advantaged of. You are clearly not happy with things at the moment. Does your wife know about your feelings? I would sit down with her and have a heart to heart. What is happening now is that you are feeling put upon and that will just breed resentment. You say yourself you are not very well either and I think that it is your brother and sister in law that are being selfish. I know your SIL is recovering at the moment, but THEY are the parents of these children not you and your wife. Sometimes I do not know why people have children if they can't look after them themselves - that might sound a bit contraversial but do people not think how they will cope after the children are born? It makes my blood boil reading things like this where parents have children and then dump them at the slightest opportunity on others. Your BIL should be taking both children to see their grandmother not just one - its probably because he knows the kid is not the best behaved but thats not your concern. I think if your wife is in agreement, and I hope she is, then you need to start nipping this in the bud, the kids are their responsibility not yours and you also mention that you both work full time - how selfish of them to dump their kids on you for a day almost every weekend - where is YOUR time to do things you want to do. I wish you luck and hope it all turns out how you want it to.

Alikay

If it's the little one's behaviour which is causing the difficulty or the amount of time you have him? 2 years olds are notoriously hard to manage but it does get better as they get older! When you correct/modify his behaviour don't be afraid to use phrases like "we don't do that here". "no running in our house" "we need you to say please, first" etc: Regardless of what is permitted at home, it's OK for you to make the rules in your own house. Obviously it's better if everyone expects the same standards from a child, but they do learn from quite a young age what behaviour is appropriate for different situations, and accept it quite well.

I'd say leaving the little one with you while the elder child is taken to see mum is a bad decision as he needs the contact with her as much as his brother.

Rhys1927

Thank you for all your replies, all your opinions are valid and are helping me immensely.

Gigglepig

I would first discuss with your wife to make sure you both agree on how much babysitting to do.
- Perhaps she wants to baby sit? It is a privilege as well to be able to get to know these kids and have a strong relationship with them. This could be a very sensitive topic to her if she is childless not by choice, and this could possibly the closest she will get to have her own children if you see what I mean.
- I understand that you feel a bit taken advantage of, but that is perhaps not a good reason to end the babysitting arrangement, if your wife wishes to be very involved with these kids?

Then, communicate your decision to your in-laws... but it would be more sensitive to wait until SIL is out of hospital.

JoJoB

"We love babysitting (child's name) but we are only able to do it (once a week/once a fortnight) from now on."

Simple, to the point. You are not telling them their child is a handful and you are tired of him/her, which they could take offence at, and you are not refusing to do ANY babysitting, just that you have to reduce the amount you do. If they press you on why then it is because you have more work and social commitments coming up soon and you want to warn them with enough time to find other childcare.

Your wife may feel guilty and be dreading telling them, so if you have a proposal of what to tell them ready it may ease her anxiety.