I have just joined but hopefully this will make the small biz owners laugh

projectforty

Hi everyone - I have just joined but before I got started proper I thought I would share a recent letter that I REALLY wanted to send to my bank manager, but I didnt think it would help my cause for future finance!


Dear Mr Bank Manager

I am writing this in reference to a letter you sent me today stating that because I have previously raised funds through the governments Enterprise Loan Guarantee Scheme(which I should point out, you mentioned no longer held much favour with the bank, even though the government own you and have put in place systems to ensure that you do use it, I should also mention that even though the government were happy to put up a guarantee for 85% of the loan you still felt compelled to ask me for a 100% personal guarantee of the full amount plus a full debenture over the assets of my business)that due to the 2012 SME charter you have to let me know of some of your concerns in writing.

You state that you are concerned that I have an amount of money owing to HMRC and that even though we have an agreed repayment plan in place with HMRC you would like clarification from my accountant. I too am concerned about your banks position with regards to money owing. I see from your half year results for 2011 that you have an unpaid debt of £285 Billion also owed to HM Treasury, unfortunately, unlike us, you have made no repayment plan with HMRC or have not stated when you will be expecting to pay this debt back.

As you can imagine, I am most concerned! please could you send me immediately a letter from your accountant stating when this will be paid.

Secondly, you state that after inspection of my accounts you are concerned that the profit made last year was smaller than expected. Again, I also have concerns. I took the liberty of studying your recent interim results to June 2011 and noticed that in the half year you had made a loss of £2,913 Million before tax. This really does concern me as a business client of your bank but also as a UK tax payer who in fact holds 40.2% shares in your business.

I appreciate your concerns for my business, but I should point out, that you do not own any shares in my business.

Secondly, with respect, my dip in profit was of a few thousand pounds, your loss from last year as has been nearly £4 billion.

Finally, you state that the bank will not, in the foreseeable future provide funds for my business in the interest of my business making acquisitions of other businesses, which over the past 5 years I have proved to return many many times more my investment. Again, I appreciate your honesty, I do hope that the UK government also takes your stance on this and when you are facing tough economic conditions and you require assistance, that the UK government will NOT lend you any money so that you can fail, as you should always have done

Warm regards

Jamie

Id love your feedback!

Jamie

steve1980

I'd send it

pelirocco

So you owe your bank money ?...... They are of course in financial trouble because of unpaid loans

Mistral001

I think this letter would raise more laughs in the bank than it will with business people to be honest.

lincroft1710

Sarcastic letters to banks, government departments and others who are in a position to make life difficult, tend to either be ignored or have the opposite effect that the writer intended. The sarcasm is wasted as the letter will never be seen by anybody remotely connected with the bank's current financial state. It also shows an immature attitude on the part of the writer.

Putting 80 words in brackets in your opening sentence before you get to the point of the letter just draws the reader away from the letter's initial raison d'etre and makes the reader not want to continue with the rest of the letter.

Don't send this letter. If you think the bank are being overzealous in their concern for your business, then politely explain that you appreciate and note their concern but you have already agreed matters with them and various other interested parties and there should be no problems with the existing arrangements.

simplydevine05

It made me smile :-) although I have to agree with some of the other, far more serious posts, it isn't worth sending it.

projectforty

I had no intention of sending it - just found it carthartic to write it to myself !!