Why cant I leave?

Upset-and-Confused

Sorry regular user different ID

I know the answer to this and i know im being stupid in staying but i just cant seem to leave my OH.

Bit of background:

Known each other since school, both in our 30's, been together 3 years, have a child (under 1)

When we first got together I never had an issue with him being flirty etc with ladies, Then I found out he had arranged to meet someone off the net (He didnt go through with it - but probably because I found out!) He says he wasnt going to actually do anything with this lady - They was going "shopping"

I took him back (I didnt have any proof there was any wrong doing - he said he had been talking to the lady for a number of years and they decided to meet)

My coonfidence hit an all time low (Never been very confident, this meeting obviously didnt help) and we spoke about things, decided to "ignore" it and move on.

Cut to now. I've since found out he's been on websites (Dont want to put the name of the site on here!) but its basically got girls on there with pics and videos of them in stockings and generally doing things that quite frankly you would expect on a porno and the guys comment.

OH has been commenting - never sent pictures/videos of himself and never gave out his mobile number. Now i understand that every guy looks - and thats not the issue with us. The problem is the conversations he's having. I'm not comfortable with him telling ladies (I use the term loosely!) What it is he wants to do to them etc. He's also asked a few to go on web cam for him and told them he's erm . . enjoyed himself . . . (Another thing that upset me is that these are ladies who are my mums age for gods sake - and yes, before any one asks i did consider if he thought of my mum like that!)

I've confronted him, He says he doesnt know why he does it, that we was always arguing (We have been arguing, but not since the baby was born and we have had a sex life) he says he doesnt actually "get" anything from them, that he hasnt ever met anyone etc and that he will stop (Heard all this before though . . . )

Now the problem I have is that although my head is absolutley screaming at me to walk away, My heart's telling me this is just a phase and i'm probably being more sensitive to it because of my confidence etc. (This is where someone points out he's done it twic now, not once BTW!)

He isnt my first love, but he's the one i've felt the most for (If that makes sense) so i think this has something to do with me not walking out.

Head is completely screwed atm and just generally dont know what to do - I know i can cope alone, but i dont want to

Is it worth trying - and even if we was to, I wouldnt know where to start! Advice needed (Or a kick up the backside - either way!)

Thank you

flutterby_lil

By staying with him you are allowing him to do it and get away with it and be with you!

By allowing him to flirt and being ok with it, he may have seen this as an open invitation.

Like you say, you know that you must leave and value yourself more.

Nothing else to say really apart from not all men look as you stated in your post "now I know that all men look". And in my opinion, definitely not worth trying at all unless you want things to get worse and him actually start meeting up with these women.

I hope you find the strength to leave. Put you and your baby first. I know it is hard as I have been in a bad realtionship and it took me years to leave.

fluffnutter

You can't leave because you're not yet convinced that life without him is better than life with him. That's a not unreasonable stance - where would any of us be if we just acted on our first impulse? The problem is that in order to be sure that life is better without him, you're going to have to suffer a lot more misery with him first. Is that what you really want?

desert_rose

You've lost trust in him. When you lose all sense of trust in someone the whole relationship changes. I think you know the answer.

I think you know too that you're worth far more than this.

Hanging_by_a_thread

This is not just a phase though is it. There have been issues since you got together 3 years ago. It started with him being flirty, which you felt able to handle. Then it progressed to him arranging to meet someone. He knew how upset that made you. Despite that he is now on sites telling other women what he would like to do to them and pleasuring himself. He must see how this is effecting you and how much his behaviour is knocking your confidence. It is clear to me, a total stranger, that your sense of self worth is at an almighty low.

If it weren't you would not hesitate to walk away from this man who shows you absolutely no respect whatsoever and is treating you like dirt. All the time you stay with him you are condoning what he is doing and accepting that this is as good as it gets for you. You deserve better.