My Debt-Free Journey - The Final Push

GirlyGirl30

Thanks so much for your advice.

You are right, I am very hard on myself about the whole situation and I think the main reason for that is the previous relationship I was in. He was horrible to me, made me feel worthless and like everything was my fault. I tried to buy my way out of sticky spots and into his affections by basically letting him have what he wanted. Another reason is that when I finally plucked up the courage to discuss the situation with my ex and ask for a contribution (he'd spent the money too) he turned the whole thing around, blamed me, called me stupid and promptly refused to pay me a penny. It was the catalyst for me ending the relationship. He was a joint holder on two of my credit cards and we had a joint account. I had to get rid of the association and take on the joint account on my own otherwise it would have defaulted and I didn't want that against my name. I wouldn't mind so much, but he's gone on to get a mortgage now as his personal liabilities were only about £2000, whereas the stuff in my name was over £38k. I feel like a failure, completely and utterly, and if it was a friend that was talking to me about this I would be supportive but I'd also wonder how they could be so stupid to let that happen to them.

I know my current partner is completely solvent, we've known each other for many years and he is aware that I have debts, I have just never got into figures with him. I think financially he's a bit niaive - not that he's been bad with money like I am, but that because he's never had problems with money he doesn't understand how people can get into major trouble. I don't think he's aware that if he puts my name on his account that we will have a financial association that could impact him in future, although I have mentioned this. At the moment he's putting my name on the electoral register at his house, which means none of my details will match what's held on me anyway, therefore I won't be able to get a bank account etc until I've updated my driving licence, current bank account and other associated accounts with my new address. I don't think he knew this.

You're right that things are moving very fast for me - I am so ready to move in with him but I'd much prefer everything to be one step at a time, i.e. move in first then sort out the account. Unfortunately (and you might have guessed this about me), I'm terrible at asking for what I want. This character flaw of mine makes me feel so weak and then I start hating myself even more!

fantastiyk

Hi Girlygirl,
I think you're an honest, hard working person who got their fingers burned. You are no longer in that abusive relationship but its important that you don't continue it in your relationship with yourself.
I don't think it's stupid to want to make sure you don't have defaults against your name, I think in your case it's been expensive. Hind sight is a wonderful thing and if we all had it in the first place then we say we'd do things differently - but the experiences we've had til now are part of what has made us who we are.

I think from reading your posts you would have felt a failure if you had let the money go unpaid, it's like you felt responsible for making sure it got paid.

Honestly, the only way I think you would have felt that you'd made a success of the whole thing is if you managed to kick his sorry @ss to kingdom come for his treatment of you and ensured that he paid off what was his (and not a penny more because you're honest).
You were actually in an abusive relationship - sometimes people don't see that because it can be subtle. When someone has to put you down they are trying to control or manipulate you.
Not many people manage to turn their lives around from situations like that. They might get out of the relationship, usually into one that's equally as bad. It can be very difficult for someone to raise their self esteem after it's repeatedly gotten quite a battering.

You didn't. You got out, stood on your own two feet, took responsibility (maybe you feel it was for more financially than you should have - but if your name is on the debt you would have only had two options: pay or don't pay).

On top of that, you managed to attract a much improved relationship with someone who you seem happy with and who you feel treats you really well! :T

From my experience people who haven't had financial difficulties can be a bit or a lot naive with money - they can't comprehend the concept of "nothing til Monday" means "nothing til Monday" or "I have no money for that" means exactly what it says.
Being the poorest relative (financially only) of mine and my husbands family I notice they think someone is lying or stupid if they say "I can't afford to do that" and keep trying to point out (pointless)ways in which they could. Like some of my family don't understand that I can't afford to visit them at times - it costs me £15 in petrol. In a finely balanced week £15 is a lot. My SIL was offended when some of the family didn't stay over at her sons wedding recently - the hotel bill for 6 of us would have been £360 for one night!! Needless to say we drove the 1 hour journey home. - sorry don't get me started on family naivety regarding money :rotfl:

You said you are terrible at asking for what you want - perhaps you could sit down and work out what you want, i.e. what pace you want this relationship to go at, whether you want your name on the electoral register, whether you want to discuss the debt or amount of it with your partner, how you want to continue paying it off, and even write it out for yourself so you can refer to it if you find yourself getting lost or swallowed up if you should decide that you want to discuss any of it with him.

I'm a bit puzzled why he'd put your name on the electoral register if you haven't moved in yet? Or have I picked this up wrong?
My DS is 21 and still isn't on the electoral register as they update every 4 years and he was 16 when they were last round. Yet DD3 at 17 is on it because now they get registered at school.
He's applied for and got a student loan though so not sure how that worked. He has no interest in voting and told me it would be ok, not to bother when I offered to register him when the last election was on. Trying to let my kids take responsibility for things means I took him at his word and he will have to deal with the consequences if there are any.
Moving in would mean changing your licence and bank account addresses anyway.

It sounds a bit like you let others take over, its ok to work out what you want and to take something thats important to you and stick to it. It will be easier in the long run if you do it as you go along - it would be a bigger shock to the system to let things slide and then try and set ground rules. And if your partner loves you he'll be happier when you're happy. If you let him take over you might end up resenting him for that. And he needs you to tell him what you want, what's important to you. There's a lot more to communication than we ever thought.

If you decide to make your partner aware of the extent of your debt I would recommend writing it down - including what it was to where you have got it to now. I'm not telling you to tell him, just offering what I think would help should you decide to.


Sorry for rattling on and on :rotfl:
Something in your posts has me rooting for you - I really want you to make it through this debt to the other side and its lovely to see you write about your happiness with your new relationship. I know you can do it, you've done the worst bit already.

Don't let the fallout from your last relationship spoil this one. His behaviour and your letting him took up enough of your time. Enjoy what you have now - a beautiful new start and don't let anything spoil that - do what it takes - even if it means asking for what you want.

GirlyGirl30

I actually had a little cry when I read your post at the weekend, I haven't had a chance to reply until now but thank you so much for all of your kind words and advice.

In reply to your question re the electoral roll, he happened to have the letter come through and as I will be moving in in the next few weeks he sent it back with my name on. It gives me a bit of time now as I will have to change my address on my mobile phone, car, driving licence and current account.

You are so right about people who have never had financial difficulties not understanding how anybody can. I feel for you in that situation with your SIL and family. My sister is the opposite of me, saved every penny she earnt and never had a credit card or any debt. I tried to follow in her footsteps, but somehow it all went so wrong for me!! I think if I was to have told my family the extent of the debts I had when I moved back home they would have probably offered to bail me out as they would have been in a position to do so for the most part, however I wanted to pay back everything I owed myself and although it has been so hard it's also been very rewarding and taught me the value of money in a way that a family loan never would have. I'm 100% confident that when I do clear this debt I will NEVER EVER EVER get into the same situation ever again.

I do still need to sit still and work out how I want this relationship to progress. I think part of the problem is that I actually WANT it to progress as quickly as it can, but I feel like my debt is holding me back from doing so. That makes me want to kick myself. But like you say, being in debt is a situation and one that has been an amazing learning experience for me. Ok, it hasn't always been easy and I haven't always been happy, and I could hate myself for it and beat myself up about it even more than I already have but there's no point is there? What is hating myself going to solve? It's just going to make it even more difficult to think straight and believe the choices I'm making are the right ones.
So, thanks to your lovely post, the guilt stops today. I'm in debt, and I'm paying my way out of it, and one day I'll be free of it, and it's a situation that won't control my future (apart from never getting into debt again!).

Thank you so much, I'm so grateful for your (and everyone's) input - it helps more than anyone could possibly know. xxx

fantastiyk

Hi Girlygirl,
Thanks for your lovely post. You would see the same in someone else. Its just you were too close to it all to see your own situation. We all are.
I know what you mean about repaying it all yourself teaching you the value of money. I could ask my sister to lend me the money and she would, but to me that would change something in our relationship. She would probably give me the money and say keep it. Also I have and our kids have learnt a lot from this about the value of money and things. So it was an expensive lesson, and still is, yet probably a very worthwhile one.

I wish you a wonderful present and future with your partner, and in ways its a great sign when you want things to speed up so you can be with him. Theres probably another lesson in here - to learn to enjoy him and it all now along with having debt, rather than waiting til you're debt free -although that promises to be an amazing feeling.

I think I struggle with that one. I put life on hold until the day I am debt free and although our debt isn't huge compared to others on here, the money available for repayments is minimum if any at times, and I struggle with that.
I'm going to enjoy tagging along on here for the rest of your debt busting journey, if that's ok with you.

GirlyGirl30

I am just checking back in to let everyone know that I did it!! As of 22nd June I paid off the last £800 of my 0% credit card and I am now officially debt free!!

It has been a lot of hard work and sacrifice and it has taken me 3 years, but I have done it!! I'm so happy!!!

I got quite a sizeable salary increase in the last 12 months which meant I could throw more at the debt, but I still can't quite believe I did it!!

Yay!!!

GG