Marriage struggling - just needed somewhere to offload.

wear280902

I have been married 6yrs and we have been together 11yrs so not a new relationship and he is the father of my 2 children. But in the past 2 years we have been struggling. Initially he was the one bad with money and time and time again it has been my parents who have helped us out till he refused their 'help' any longer and we both buried our heads and racked up further debts. I guess I have always blamed him for starting us out on this rocky road.

He then had his lightbulb moment 3 years ago when I basically was looking for any way out of the relationship and marriage I could, we then had the conversation are we just staying together for the kids and decided 'no' we do like being together but he finds it hard when I get depressed and he is 'trying his best' which never quite seems good enough for me when I am finding it difficult to cope ( problem is the kids do come first , then my job which is the more stable to keep the roof over our heads, then my husband but he is by no means the last thing I think about- I just take for granted he can look after himself).
He has stopped spending considerably and we have never had a late payment on anything other than the council tax but the debts are going nowhere. But he is not saving or looking at shifting his debts or making any further cuts - he claims he hasn't got time - yet I work 2 jobs which means I basically work full time as well.
He reckons that everything costs money or he is too tired that in 3-4 years time we can breathe again and work on the relationship then ( I can't see this unless we are more proactive with the debts). I have had extra stress this week with major health scares from 3 members of my immediate family and so have found that whenever we are both together all I do talk about is 'money' and seem to give him his marching orders everyday.

I broke down yesterday as just felt I cannot continue to feel this 'low' about everything without any extra support and tried to explain my feelings...I figured he may not be good at talking but he at least owed me half an hour to listen. He did make me realize how I had made him feel like a child not trusting him with money and telling him how to 'tidy' a house and 'how' to feed the kids something which he has done for ages as I work shifts.

How have others have managed to make the lifestyle changes when perhaps the lightbulb moments have not been made at the same time or seen with the same urgency. Has anyone else had moments similar than above or tips for managing challenging times as I can foresee this being one of the most difficult years yet ( health problems for my mum and dad and their stresses and my daughter starts secondary school which is going to be about 3-5 miles away from my sons current school is definitely going to see more pressure on the domestic situation).

Thank you for reading Vicky.

dottygirl

Im so sorry to read this. Have you a good friend who can look after the children while you and your partner go out and talk. I think you both need time out together. Can you have a date once a week. It doesnt have to be very expensive. A walk in the countryside a trip to the sea side. I hope you find the answers you are looking for x

wear280902

I think part of the problem at the moment is my 2 jobs and having that time and family time.

This week I am working Monday,Thursday and Friday 5.45 -11pm so leave house at 5:15 as hubby is getting home.

Saturday 2-8:30 and Sunday 3-10:30pm

Plus 15 hrs in my other job during the daytime. This is why I see this year as being so difficult as my jobs do not give us a lot of time together and often one of us is too tired to talk when I come home from work.

That does give us 2 evenings together but I guess I always feel guilty and put things like going to the library and additional time looking at kids homework at this time.

As I reply to this I am realising part of my problem/resentment is that I have left no time to myself to do anything just for me right now. I want to lose some weight and exercise but feel that everything else is always using my time.

Hanging_by_a_thread

I think all those feelings are understandable. It must be very frustrating to be working so hard and not have much spare time, yet not seeming to be clearing debts.

At the moment it is like you are ships passing in the night. There is very limited couple time, by which point you are both to tired to speak to and properly relate to each other. Not the ideal time to talk through important issues.

Can friends or family babysit so that on one of those evenings when you are both home you can have real quality time together? Discussions may be more productive if you can relax over a meal and be enjoying each others company.

Jinx

Hi Vicky

I had a lot of debt which I had not long started dealing with when I met my now hubby. Its a very difficult thing to deal with and the person who has the debt feels a multitude of things including complete shame at doing this to him/herself!

Things that helped me:

• setting a workable budget which included socialising, pocket money for my daughter and clothes/haircuts/b'day pressies etc
• the debt free wannabe board on MSE of course
• set up the repayments on recurring online payment to ensure they cannot be forgotten and the agreed amount is paid
• once I moved in with DH we agreed we would look at our finances on a Friday night to plan for the coming week - in all honesty we haven't stuck with this but we do it often enough to count. It meant less impromptu heavy duty chats where I got all upset!
• it may be worth checking you wouldnt be better off doing just a few hours work and maybe getting topped up with tax credits etc?

There is absolutely no way that you can wait 3 years for life to get back to normal, you have to find a way of dealing with it. I think if you are actively paying the debts every month at least you know you are going the right direction.

Cheap dates or free days out can help for some time out with hubby. Eg I do market research and get paid in Pinecone vouchers, so sometimes hubby and I pick a country walk and go to Greggs, get our picnic and head off for the day for a walk in a new country park or at the beach etc. Kids love that sort of stuff. Orange Wednesday for cheap cinema tickets, romantic nights in.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You might be subconsciously adding to your load unnecessarily.

When I look at your list, I see things you cannot influence - your parents' illnesses. You can help with practical things, by all means, but not to the exclusion of your own mental health. They are grown ups and can manage - any help you give should be easily within your limits. They won't, or shouldn't, begrudge you helping when you can, not when you think you should.

Then you mention your DD going to secondary school. Three miles away. That's what buses are for. She'll be 11 and old enough, like the vast majority of all the other kids in the school, to make her own way to and from school.


So there are three things taken off your 'It's not actually happening, but I'm convinced it's going to be a problem so I'm getting the panicking and worry going six months in advance' pile.

Your OH is perfectly capable of feeding the kids and cleaning the house and doing everything else whilst you're at work in the evenings. So that's something to take off the list.

You have enough money to make bill payments and keep a roof over your heads, as well as feed yourselves. So that's something to take off the list.


So, your new list is;

Get some relaxation/exercise. I found Sunday morning was a good time for getting up and immediately flopping back down again into a hot bath, as everyone else was still snoring. Or going swimming, as most pools are open early. Then you're clean from the pool shower, exercised and relaxed and there's still plenty of time before you have to leave for work. There's no reason why your OH and the kids can't come and you take it in turns to watch the kids whilst the other does a length if DS is too young to do otherwise. But if they don't well, leave them in bed.

Make sure you are on the cheapest tariff for your utilities. Use the cashback sites. If you can find time to post on here, you have time to check you're getting the best deal on electricity supplier. It's not a huge event to change, get the quote, change, job done. No need for a lengthy discussion about it.

Rather than thinking of the sheer enormity of it all right now (I assume you have done the statement of affairs stuff in the debt free boards, so you know what's there), look at one debt. The smallest is a good place to start, as £150 is a whole lot less scary that thinking about the £15,000 one. Put an extra fiver towards it each month and it'll be gone soon enough - and that feels really good as you write across the statement in big red pen CLEARED ON xx/xx/2012

If you aren't stressing about all those things, you'll be better company, less likely to bark orders at your OH and then you can see if there is something in your relationship you want to save without a great dramatic, 'we have to work at this/have dates/go on holiday' type thing.



Rather than looking at the enormity of everything, look at one debt.

Lara44

Hi Wear

It sounds as if you have reached a plateau with your relationship and debts and you need to make some change. There is an incredible community here in the Debt Free Wannabee forum who are all tacking long-term debts together. It sounds as if you need to take a fresh look at both situations and gather your strength to do something differently.

Why don't you make a list of debts and a statement of affairs and post it on the DFW forum? Other posters might be able to help you see savings in your monthly expenditure, bills etc. You might also be able to find some new credit card deals with less interest. All these little things can come together to have a big impact. It sounds like you're working flat out and really need to take some time for yourself if at all possible. You need time and space to be able to communicate better with your OH. Can he take on some of the household chores? Could you try to do some things around the house together, like cooking or cleaning? This might help you to work as a team and free up some time for yourself.

wear280902

I have posted a SOA and no-one answered will try and find a link in a minute.
I have time to be on here as I am at work - I am a receptionist at a Sports Centre but on Sundays the shift is mainly one of supervising the front desk as we have lots of clubs in for longer sessions on a Sunday - can't do other jobs as only one manning the front desk . So that leaves me some computer time I use to just sit on FB or mini games. So I do feel this is a better use of my time sitting on here and trying to do meal plans. As hubby is often in bed when I get home on Sundays due to waking early I guess I do then try and tell him everything and all my found information in about 10/15 minutes as we pass by on Monday.

wear280902

Here is a link to post to my SOA.https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/373633. I must have posted at a very busy or quiet time as no-one replied. The figures are not totally up to date as they could be but they are not far off again I did this from work as opposed to at home.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

wear280902 wrote: »

Here is a link to post to my SOA.https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/373633. I must have posted at a very busy or quiet time as no-one replied. The figures are not totally up to date as they could be but they are not far off again I did this from work as opposed to at home.

That's a gambling thread. Are the debts something to do with this?


If you can mean plan and be on here at work, there's no reason why you can't look up the cheapest electricity supplier there as well.

Do you have to tell him absolutely everything? Not just say 'I've sorted out the electric and gas so they're cheaper.' and leave it at that? Or knock a fiver off your food bill (I will search for your SOA in a minute) and pay that online as you're sitting on the desk?

saterkey

I just get a gambling thread on the link you supplied? not an SOA??
Maybe copy and paste it on here, so its all together.

sorry its so hard for you at present. im sure things will work out for you.