Help - I'm a mess :(

Pippin12

Hi Flis, just read your whole thread and wow! You're doing so well! Your positivity is catching. Well done on giving up smoking and being a fab role model for your boys. Keep up the good work.

flis21

Thank you for coming back and explaining thigns My Last Fiver. In part I agree with what you're saying, but you must remember also that you and your wife had each other. So you had someone to share your problems with and support you. Whilst I am on my own. It's scary and lonely. I do feel I have cut back everything I possibly can at the moment. I am still working on things. Maybe in time I will feel I can cut back more, but at the moment I'm still learning and progressing and doing everything I feel I can.

As for my ex, whilst I agree with your comments on the one hand. On the other hand I do wonder what my boys would say in years to come if they found out their Dad stopped having contact with them cos I wanted more money out of him. I know that in their situation I would be upset. I also see their little faces and know how much they love their time with their Dad, so it is important to me to maintain this. Maybe I am being too soft on him, but in this case my priority is my children and not the money. He does give me £150 a month and he is paying for half of the holiday.

CCCS have advised a DMP and they've worked all the figures out on a monthly basis, instead of the four weekly way I receive my money, which shows that I am then bringing in a lot more each month than I am. I think I will struggle to find the amount they are saying I have free each month, which is why I want to do it myself. I don't want to end up really struggling to find the monthly payment for them and end up getting myself in a mess again. I would rather arrange to pay 2 different creditors every week of the month, so my payments are spread out and fit in better with the way I receive my money. I am sure CCCS are fab at doing the payment plans and it probably works well for people with monthly regular income, but my wages from my job are up and down and come in dribs and drabs, and my benefits all come in on different weeks. I'm also hoping then that the extra money I get on the 13th payment each year I can plow in to either make a one off larger payment or clear some of the smaller debts so I can concentrate on the bigger ones. I am considering doing the 'snowball' idea that I've read about on here. I think everyone has to decide on the best way to pay off their debts depending on their situation. I believe this will be the best and most manageable way for me to do it.

I didn't address the points in your original post about my children 'growing up in poverty'. Maybe that's how you see it, but I don't. At the end of the day we have a house, they are washed clothed, warm, fed, played with and loved. I cannot see how that can be in poverty and I'm sure most Mums would be upset at that suggestion.

Thank you for admitting that your bluntness could have been upsetting and thanks for the apology. that means a lot. I am trying not to get emotional about all of this and take a mature responsible approach. I am the only adult in the house now, so someone has to!! lol.

I am sure that your comments were meant in the best of intentions, Flis x

jonjamie1970

I have subscribed to this thread as I find it quite inspiring, you really seem to be giving this your all. Your boys will grow up understanding the importance of managing your money and remembering the days you made fish finger pies and they will do the same with their children.
I'm a dad seperated from my children, my wife moved 150 miles away so I travel every other weekend to see them and still pay £500 a month maintenance, I get no help from their mother who wont bring them to see me or help when I'm struggling to find the fuel money to visit them. The eldest is my stepdaughter but I still see them both as my own children, there arent always dads shirking their responsibilities. x

glasgowsaver2011

MyLastFiver wrote: »

Hi

As for my comments about your ex, I have a real bee in my bonnet about dads who evade their responsibilities. I'm sure you don't need my sympathy but I do sympathise with you because I have female friends whose men have left them holding the baby, and lied, manipulated, threatened and blackmailed in order to get out of supporting their children properly. It almost makes me ashamed to be a man

It seems from your posts that your ex knows that amicable contact is important to you, so he uses this to get out of paying what he should, whilst you are scrimping and saving to make ends meet to provide for his kids. All I'm saying is that if you wanted to do something about this, you could. And if your ex would be prepared to break off contact with his children for the sake of a couple of hundred quid a month, then he doesn't sound like much of a dad. Or a man

k

This is what I think

I would ask him to contribute more or let the csa decide how much he contributes

they will take it out his wages they will give it to you the same date every month

he wont be able to say he cant afford it or is short, it is deducted from his payroll by his employer

glasgowsaver2011

flis21 wrote: »

As for my ex, whilst I agree with your comments on the one hand. On the other hand I do wonder what my boys would say in years to come if they found out their Dad stopped having contact with them cos I wanted more money out of him. I know that in their situation I would be upset. I also see their little faces and know how much they love their time with their Dad, so it is important to me to maintain this. Maybe I am being too soft on him, but in this case my priority is my children and not the money. He does give me £150 a month and he is paying for half of the holiday.



I am sure that your comments were meant in the best of intentions, Flis x

Don't blame yourself, it would be his doing stopping contact, not yours, and would he really do that, even if he was bloody minded, he may think "if I am paying so much I am going to see them more"

also 150 a month for a man who earns 24k a year and can afford to gamble is nothing...

but we all make our own decisions.

best of luck with the rest of your journey!

you are doing well.

Weekly treats keep you all sane! :money:

mfmaybe

Hi Flis

I haven't had time to pop in for a few days, but just wanted to comment (again!) on how well you are doing. You write very eloquently, and as others have remarked your change in attitude in such a short space of time has shone through - I was particularly impressed by how you handled some of the slightly more critical posts, I'm not sure I'd have sounded so mature! Some further great ideas on here such as creating a website. I know what you mean about surveys etc taking time, I haven't got around to doing anything either. Give yourself time to get the payment plan set up, I suspect all the hunting around for financial paperwork, doing a food audit etc has taken extra time, but once you get the routine down you'll start to free up time again. Babysteps remember.

Well done on the stopping smoking, and also the tumble dryer! You said you had used it to do bed sheets, but I hang those on my airer also. And if I'm really short of space I hook a sheet off a door! However we do have 2 sets of sheets so I don't need to make sure they are dry the same day.

Do you have a smartphone? They aren't MSE obviously, but if you already have one, use it to your advantage. I find Ebay Mobile much faster than doing it the regular way (though I've learnt to my cost to be careful about weighing stuff and working out postage properly first). There are also apps for things like quidco, sometimes you get a payment just for tapping a check-in. But don't get one if you haven't already

MyLastFiver

flis21 wrote: »

CCCS have advised a DMP and they've worked all the figures out on a monthly basis, instead of the four weekly way I receive my money, which shows that I am then bringing in a lot more each month than I am.

Then there is something wrong with your/their figures. Are you sure this isn't a simple misunderstanding? Let's say you get £1500 every four weeks. This is £1650 every calendar month. So if you think of your income as £1500 per month, then the £1650 will look excessive, but it's actually right.

If the discrepancy is not this, then you need to keep talking to them until the figures are correct and you both agree on them. Ask them how they arrived at their figure. If they are wrong about something, put them right.

If some of your income is irregular (such as your childminding money) then consider leaving it off your plan. This then becomes "slack", with which you can make extra payments to your most troublesome or most expensive creditors. I did this and it is acceptable within the terms of the DMP.

If your benefit payments are spread across the month, then it's just a case of leaving enough money in your account to cover the CCCS payment on whatever date it's due. Budgeting 101 :cool: but I'm sure you don't need that.

What is becoming clear on this thread is that you won't do anything you don't want to. I think you and my wife would get on well OK keep your contact lenses, don't rock the boat with your ex, but would you at least give the CCCS plan some more thought? This is for a few reasons:

1. Many creditors are more likely to agree to reduced payments and stopping interest if the plan is done through CCCS.

2. CCCS will do all the work of sending holding letters, offer letters, cease-interest requests etc. They will also administrate the replies and adjust your plan and update records as creditors accept/reject your offers.

3. When your creditors chase you, you can refer them to CCCS and this will stop at least some of the calls and letters to your home. I am a very forthright and practical guy (you may have noticed ), but even I admit to finding all the collections calls (several a night) stressful. Once my DMP was set up, most of my creditors stopped calling and bothered Payplan (in my case) instead.

4 CCCS' procedurces are computer-scheduled. This means that (most of the time) they write to creditors on time, reply to correspondence on time, and, most importantly, make payments on time. I'm sure you are very organised, but if you slip up with making payments on time or providing required info, it jeapordises the agreement with the creditor which causes more stress and may cost you money. Let CCCS's computers do the hard work.

I didn't address the points in your original post about my children 'growing up in poverty'. Maybe that's how you see it, but I don't.

Hon, you told us you've been leaving the baby in its nappies for longer to try to save money. When you can't afford nappies, and have debts you can't service, most people would consider that to be poverty.

Anyway my comment was not suggesting you are a bad mother. It wasn't a dig at you, but your ex. If you and your ex were in court over child maintenance payments, "growing up in poverty" is the language your solicitor would use to the judge. What's more galling is that it would seem that at least some of your debts are his gambling debts. I don't know how he sleeps at night.

I am sure that your comments were meant in the best of intentions, Flis x

^^this

The kind words and compliments you've been getting from people on this thread will be a great source of support to you. All I'm doing is trying to help you address some of the fundamentals of your situation as I see it.

You like kind words, so here's some: You are clearly a loving, committed mother and a strong woman who is doing what is right for her kids in difficult circumstances.

Your ex is still a !!!!!! though.

antonia1

flis21 wrote: »

As for my ex, whilst I agree with your comments on the one hand. On the other hand I do wonder what my boys would say in years to come if they found out their Dad stopped having contact with them cos I wanted more money out of him. I know that in their situation I would be upset. I also see their little faces and know how much they love their time with their Dad, so it is important to me to maintain this. Maybe I am being too soft on him, but in this case my priority is my children and not the money. He does give me £150 a month and he is paying for half of the holiday.

Hi Flis, I just wanted to say that I have been in the same situation as your boys. My dad wasn't really that interested, and my mum had to take dad to court to get him to pay decent maintenance (the initial agreement was in the days before the Child Support Agency existed so had to be revised through the courts). Back then, the court took his SOA and considered that he didn't need to pay very much (the last time was 1996 when it was upped to £80 per month for two kids when he was a director of a financial advisor firm) because he needed to cover his sky tv, catalogue purchases and holidays to America, while my mum could barely afford to feed us. Looking back, I'm proud of her for fighting so hard for us, though I imagine it was difficult even with the support of her family.

I guess what I wanted to say was that you have to do things your own way, but don't worry too much about what the boys will think, because it sounds like they will grow up knowing how much you love them, and they will work out for themselves that their dad isn't really that good at being a father.

flis21

MyLastFiver wrote: »

Then there is something wrong with your/their figures. Are you sure this isn't a simple misunderstanding? Let's say you get £1500 every four weeks. This is £1650 every calendar month. So if you think of your income as £1500 per month, then the £1650 will look excessive, but it's actually right.

That is it, but I do not get that much a month. I will get one extra payment over the year, so what do I do when I get (as in your example) £1500 in 4 weeks, but they are basing the amount they believe I can afford to pay on £1650. Where does the extra £150 come from? I do understand what they have done and why they have done it. I just think it is going to be very hard for me to manage.

What is becoming clear on this thread is that you won't do anything you don't want to. I think you and my wife would get on well OK keep your contact lenses, don't rock the boat with your ex,

I would like to disagree with this, I've done lots of things I didn't want to do. The main one being giving up the cigs. I am going to give up sky once the contract is up. I've changed down to contact lenses that are much more of a pain and I can't wear for so long. I've stopped my love film account. Stopped some of the things for the kids. Lots of these things I didn't want to do and some have been really hard (the cigs) and really hurt me (bits for the kids). I am working hard to reduce my grocery spend and taking on board as much advice as I can. So please don't say that I'm not doing anything I don't want to. I think this is unfair.

You like kind words, (who doesn't?) so here's some: You are clearly a loving, committed mother and a strong woman who is doing what is right for her kids in difficult circumstances.

Thank you for this, there is a heart in there somewhere!! lol

Your ex is still a !!!!!! though.

I do actually agree with this and the funny thing was after we split he went to live with his Mum for a few months and she has said to me since that she didn't know how I'd put up with him and she wouldn't want to live with him again!! And that's coming from his Mum!! Also he was round here the other day telling me about this net flix account he's signed up for and trying to convince me to do it (I just said no i wouldn't have time to watch it!). Then going on about stuff he wants from the boys for his birthday (which of course I am expected to finance!). He does take the biscuit and I am getting better at standing up to him (he wanted stuff from the boys that totalled £50, I told him i was spending £15 - £20 max. he wasn't happy tho!)

The other point on the CCCS thing is that they want to contact the 2 debts I have that are nearly statue barred. I would like not to contact them and wait the 3 months and if I don't get any contact I can wipe them off. Also I am not paying interest on any of the debts since the IVA I did, so they are not increasing, just need paying off. I am pretty organised and my Mum is going to help me with anything I need. CCCS have said that they will still be there to support me if I have any problems or questions. If it doesn't work I can always go back to them and do the DMP thru them in a few months time.

Flis

flis21

koloko wrote: »

What a load of garbage

Listen to nothing in this poorly written wall of text, at best the guy is speaking nonsense and at worst he is spamming his website.

Don't worry I wasn't really planning to!! I love my job and I know at the moment I'm not earning that much and would actually be on a similar amount of money if I went on income support. (Although I think it would be a bit less cos of my working tax credit). But my job keeps me sane and I always have the possibility of hopefully getting some more work and being able to earn some more money in the future. I don't think it would do my self-esteem much good if I gave up work. I also think it will help if and when I want to go back out to work to show that I have been keeping my hand in the industry whilst raising my own kids.
They also obviously haven't read that much of the thread as they're going on about menthol tips when I am now on day 11 of having quit!