What to expect when someone seeks counseling?

Nottoobadyet

Hello all,

After suffering for some time from depression, my boyfriend has finally decided to move on getting counseling from a psychologist. He's had a few really tough years - his younger brothers suicide, his fathers very sudden death, an emotionally and physically abusive ex girlfriend - and has been dipping in and out of being functional.

Several years ago I was in and out of depression myself, though I never went to counselling. He had some therapy some years ago himself when he was living in America. We live in Uganda at the moment but I'm pretty confident we can find him high quality care, though it will be expensive.

As you can imagine, his current state has already made our relationship difficult in many ways, and i want to be there best I can for him as he tries to get better. We've been together for about 6 months and live together.

I'd especially like to hear from anyone who has gone into counseling themselves - what did you need your partner (or friends / family) to do just then? Did you want to talk about it, or did you want to keep what you spoke about in your session to yourself and didnt want to be asked? Did you need to be pampered a bit, or did you feel like you needed space? Did you want distraction with fun activities out of the home or did all the uncovered emotions mean that you needed to be left alone more than usual?

Obviously I will ask him all these questions as well, but I would like to have some idea what I'm in for and always appreciate the wisdom and compassion this board offers at its best.

BugglyB

Not to be picked up from the office or to see OH straight away - a bit of time after the session to clear my head

How do you feel or how was your day rather than what did you talk about

Not to be treated with kid gloves or like a 'patient' - just to continue as normal

I dont want to talk about it doesn't mean I never want to talk about it

Warmth and openess

Be aware your OH may feel worse and be upset before things get better, especially in the beginning, if the counselling is around admitting how much things have upset him and how difficult his emotions are. No worrying about him if he starts randomly bursting into tears!

You sound like a loving and caring partner so that is half the battle. Just go easy on him and remember he may lurch from one emotion to the next.

Nottoobadyet

Thank you BugglyB, very wise advice. The bit about not wanting to talk about it meaning not wanting to talk about it right now is especially helpful.

euronorris

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

what did you need your partner (or friends / family) to do just then? Did you want to talk about it, or did you want to keep what you spoke about in your session to yourself and didnt want to be asked? Did you need to be pampered a bit, or did you feel like you needed space? Did you want distraction with fun activities out of the home or did all the uncovered emotions mean that you needed to be left alone more than usual?

- Not expect everything to be better immediately
- Acknowledge that, to move forward, sometimes there is a period of emotional upset and that's OK, and needed
- Sometimes I want to talk about it, and sometimes I don't. It depends on the issue and how I feel about it. Sometimes I feel very clear and confident about what I feel and why, and other times I am still getting my own head around it and trying to figure out what I feel and why
- Again, sometimes I want hugs and to cry, and other times I want to talk, or be pro-active etc
- Asking 'Do you want to talk about it?' is, IMO, fine. So long as there is no pressure after the response of 'no' or 'not yet' has been given.

And, in general, just time. I found, too often, that people expected everything to be sorted after one or two sessions. It doesn't work like that.

bill_creative

My best friend is going to counselling at the moment and one thing that she didn't realise was how physically drained she felt afterwards as well. She likened it to have run a marathon (not that either of us ever have..!). She craved comfort food and lots of liquids - so that might be something to bear in mind as well as all of the great emotional advice you have had as well.

What worked best with my ex, was to say to him that I was there if he felt like talking and leaving him to come to me in his own time.

penguingirl

I work in a psychology service and most of my clients have said that they don't share everything with their family members, but most share bits and pieces. I echo what others say about it getting worse before it gets better. It's also useful for your OH to think about what his expectations of counselling/ therapy are and what things he would like to think about/discuss- some approaches focus on historical and relationship issues, where others are more 'here-and-now' and look at things like thinking patterns. There isn't a right/wrong way, it's more about horses for courses. Also I agree with others that it is hard work! Therapy works best if the client is committed to the treatment and thinks about/practices things at home- I liken it to physio where you have to do daily exercises to build up muscle strength.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If it's CBT, it's not all about the past, it's about how he responds to things now - so he could change his responses in a way you hadn't anticipated and don't like.


The acknowledgement that some of your behaviour and actions could be affecting the situation negatively.

And, whilst certain exercises might sound silly - or he might want to keep them secret - not doing them won't help.

I've seen people fail to get any benefit from their counselling because their partner has actively sabotaged them, by interfering, by getting all defensive that they might be blamed/bear some responsibility in the situation, by just not giving enough privacy for the exercises to be carried out without fear of the work being read.



And sometimes, the last thing someone needs - but what they really want - is the opportunity to sit there for an hour/half hour endlessly going round in circles about how their life has been destroyed by the past, how it makes it impossible to ever do anything different and they basically are encouraged to wallow around in self indulgent sorrow and pity, just so long as the fees keep coming in. So be aware that he could seek out the worst possible type of talking therapy as a direct result of how he thinks now.

It can be a deeply emotional time and old hurts came come up to the surface, so you could be on the receiving end of unresolved matters - but that doesn't mean you have to pussifoot around them as though they're an invalid or a particularly spoiled child - you still have the right to expect respectful treatment and consideration as before.


There is also the possibility that he could form an emotional attachment to the counsellor in a way that is uncomfortable - it's something that is very easy to happen, due to the level of intimacy of talking about emotions. It doesn't mean he's having an affair with them, but sometimes it can feel like they aren't quite so into your relationship as before.



Having said all that, it can also give someone the tools to turn their life around and live how they want for the first time without being held back by the past.

euronorris

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I've seen people fail to get any benefit from their counselling because their partner has actively sabotaged them, by interfering, by getting all defensive that they might be blamed/bear some responsibility in the situation, by just not giving enough privacy for the exercises to be carried out without fear of the work being read.

This is a good point, and one to be aware of.

One of my OH's first questions after my first session, was if I talked about him and that he hoped I hadn't been sl*gging him off! Being quite emotional at the time, I reacted quite strongly and told him that if I needed to talk about him, I would! And if he doesn't me to face up to issues, any issues, whether they are with our relationship or otherwise, and deal with them, tough!

He has been fine about it since. I just think it can be hard for the other person, if they've never had counselling/therapy themselves, to know what to expect.

As it turns out, I've rarely talked about him or our relationship. It wasn't the reason I went to therapy in the first place, after all.

make_me_wise

I had counselling many years back. It took months for friends and family to persuade me to go. I was of the mindset that if the counsellor hadn't experienced what I had, how could they know how to help me.

It threw me completely when I walked into the room and there were two people sat there, a man and a woman. As is shown on here often, men and women see things very differently, so it was beneficial to have both there.

We were sat in a triangle arrangement. It started with me talking out what had happened and how I felt about it all. They sat and listened intently and didn't say a word. They then took it in turns between each other to recap their understanding of what I had said and speaking to each other they gave their opinions. They picked up on my strengths, acknowledged the problems and issues and discussed how they would approach things. It was almost like being a fly on the wall of a conversation about my life. It was less intimidating and intrusive than them talking directly at me and wanting me to come up with solutions and find ways forward myself.

They did very gradually help me find a way forward. In time when I was stronger the conversations/questions were directed at me. They asked lots of open questions and I began to see a way to carry on with life happily and confidently.

I saw them once a week for an hour. The counselling sessions lasted 14 weeks by which time I really felt I had come full circle and could cope again.

During the weeks that I had counselling I must say I didn't really wish to discuss it with anyone. It was enough to be facing up to everything with the counsellors. I needed time to kind of withdraw and to think. Facing it all so intently that one hour a week was enough. Having space enabled me to slowly deal with it all.

I wish you lots of luck and hope your boyfriend will find the counselling as useful as I did.

Lara44

Dear Nottoobadyet

How wonderful that you live in Kampala! What a cool city.

When my OH suffered from depression / 'burnout' I found this book very helpful. It goes through the kinds of feelings you might be having with "depression fallout". It helped me to support my OH and also to draw boundaries and take care of my own feelings too. The author has written several books I think and also has an online forum of some kind.

It sounds like your BF has had some really difficult years (and you too). I hope he starts to feel better soon and that your relationship goes from strength to strength. I think the experience has made my own relationship with my OH much stronger

jediquigley

i think its really great you are being so supportive.

i have had two lots of counselling, just with a counsellor not a psychologist in the uk.
i also work in a mental health team as a secretary. i was having counselling due to stress - i shared a lot of what went on in my sessions with my husband (as he wasnt the problem). i think maybe wait for him to speak with you about it or just ask if he wants to talk, i guess everyone is different.

i think what i struggled with a bit was that i cried quite a lot during these times and i accepted that this was part of my healing process, where as my husband found this quite hard to deal with and didnt know what to do for me when i cried. so maybe asking if he needs any kind of support would be helpful and accepting there will be times when things will be hard.

even though its really great you are so supportive most of the work will be done by your boyfriend to make himself better, with the help of the psychologist of course.
Laura