2nd families

ciderwithrosie_2

Posted this in the 'Arms' but then thought it might do better in here ...

Can I just ask (if you don't mind answering) the people who are in relationships where you both have (older) children from your previous marriage/partnership - how difficult did you find it to be accepted by the new partner's children/parents/siblings and what did you do to help this along (if anything)? How would you feel if the new partner's children were adults themselves, with lives of their own but were still being obstructive/unfriendly - would that make you feel you were putting your new partner in an unfair position in that they might have to choose either you or their family?

Gillyx

I'll try and answer this as an adult who's parents both have new partners?

My dad has a wonderful girlfriend who has 2 grown up (late teens, early twenties) daughters. I didn't really feel the need to try or make an effort with his girlfriend as it all happened naturally, she was open and friendly with me and I was the same with her. Didn't try to "force" a relationship between us but over time it blossomed and now I think of her as a second mother, (bearing in mind I'm not a child ) but she's one of the nicest people I know and I'm so happy my dad has found someone as nice. Her children on the other hand are completely anti social, my dad and his gf don't live together so I haven't had a lot of opportunities to meet them, but any time I did, they cancelled, and when I eventually did get the chance to meet them they were rude and obstructive. I feel sorry for my Dad having to deal with this and equally there mum as she is so embarrassed by their behaviour.

My mum, well I've met her partner once, she tries to force a friendship between me and her boyfriend, and even got him to send me a birthday card before I'd even met him which I just found awkward to be completely honest. From what I could gather he's a lovely guy, so I've no idea how he's been snared by my mother. That's another story though. He does have a daughter and I know everything about her through my mum, but I've never met her.

loztredders

Hi, hope you don't mind me posting here, but can I answer this question from the perspective an older child who's dad re-married?

My parents split 5 years ago as my Dad was having an affair, he has since married this woman.
Obviously this relationship didn't start out on the best of terms, however, both my sister and I TRIED to get along with the stepmother, if only really for the sake of my father, we have never held a grudge against her - takes two to tango afterall!
Unfortunatly, stepmother was not as willing to try and get to know us, I.E not coming with my father when he came to visit us, also she doesn't really like when he wants to spend time with us, evident by the texts that he's accidently sent me a few times which are meant for her!!
So, to try and help answer your question, as an adult (I was 18 at the time) I would expect the new woman to try and get to know us and learn a little bit about us, without being to invasive obviously, other than that I wouldn't think there's much more to do, bribes wouldn't be likely to work on grown ups, lol.
To be honest though, I find it quite surprising that grown up children would react so negatively towards a parent's new partner, I'd hope that they would be mature enough to realise that the relationship is bringing their parent happiness.
The new wife also has children from a previous marriage, and these two have accepted my dad seemingly with open arms and they ALL get along great by the looks of it, but that's possibly more down to my dad being easy going.

brokenlily

OK, my dad's remarried now twice, and I've been a "stepmother" to a pre-teen (relationship now ended - we weren't married).

My dad married his second wife when I was 11. I came to think of her as a second mother - she is absolutely lovely, was always kind, interested, and genuinely caring. I still see a lot of her and think of her still as my stepmother despite their divorce.

His third wife I am not so keen on. Her kids are surly teenagers who never help in the house and are never challenged (I had to when I was their age - no option!) and their manners are a disgrace, again, never challenged. However she will find anything to have a dig at me (usually behind my back) over. Nonetheless, I respect my dad's choice, and I am polite to her and treat her with respect, and I do not discuss my feelings about her or her kids with my dad - again, because his choice of wife is his choice and we are both adults. I would not like it if he ran down my partner.

When I was in a relationship with someone who had a daughter, I was readily accepted at first. However, as time went on, and she got older, it actually got more difficult. Once I was no longer a novelty, she resented having to share Dad. Her mum saying nasty things about me didn't help, and you can never underestimate the power of the other parent, if they encourage the child to be hostile to you. My OH's mum left his dad and has been with someone else now for around 5 years. His dad was very bitter over it, and that made it very hard for my OH to accept the situation and the new partner. Even now, it's difficult - my OH cannot mention his mum's partner in front of his dad, or his dad gets very sulky. OH is just about OK with it now, but there was a time he would not even go to the house that his mum bought with her partner. I don't know how much of that was him being upset or just not wanting to upset his dad.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules for how you have to behave to be accepted by the kids and the family - every situation is different and you don't know what baggage others are carrying. All I can say is, that quite often, if you get a hostile response, it's often not about you personally. Kids may act out of some sort of loyalty to the other parent, especially if the other parent is still single. Inlaws may do the same, because they may feel that if they don't show loyalty to the other parent (particularly if it's a mother who has the children most of the time) that they may be punished by seeing less of the kids. Or, if the kids are upset, they may feel they also can't accept a new partner because the kids don't like it, and it will alienate them from their grandchildren.

ciderwithrosie_2

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences.

It's a situation a friend finds himself in atm - his wife was the one to leave and divorce him, there was no one else involved on either side but some years on, his family (including parents) are unwavering in their opinion that he shouldn't want/need anyone else in his life, even though his children left home years ago and have their own partners and the new partner doesn't want to upset anyone or put him in a position where he has to choose between seeing them or his family. I just find it a bit of a sad situation that they can't accept it's possible to find love with more than one person in your lifetime and it's making him happy.

brokenlily

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

some years on, his family (including parents) are unwavering in their opinion that he shouldn't want/need anyone else in his life, even though his children left home years ago and have their own partners and the new partner doesn't want to upset anyone or put him in a position where he has to choose between seeing them or his family.

Perhaps they have become rather too used to having him to themselves, and they are worried that a new partner would divert his attention?

My ex's family were a bit like that - after his divorce, he spent a lot of time with them, and they saw his daughter every time she was with him, they were really close. After he got together with me though, we wanted some time together, and at times like Christmas of course we had two families to see, so he was spread thinner, and they didn't like it. His dad was always wanting him to go round and do jobs for him and sometimes he had to start saying no, or saying he couldn't come right away, if we had plans, and they had been used to having him at their beck and call.

I don't think it's up to his family to tell him what he should or shouldn't need in his life. At the end of the day, he need not introduce anyone to his family unless it becomes serious, and by then, they will probably get used to it, even if they find it a bit strange at first. Some people just don't like change as well, they might find that the idea is worse than the reality.

doodoot

OP, I think your friend should tell his parents to butt out of his life as his choice to find a partner is none of their ruddy business!

My mum once said the same to me and I told her where to get off.

She's had 2 failed marriages and is now a man hater...hence I should hate men too. :rotfl:


My own experience with my father's partner is a grim tale, but not unique.

He had an affair, left mum and moved in with the other woman - I was 17.

In 20 years I have seen him about a dozen times, and he has never met his grandchildren.

She made it clear that he was to sever ties with his whole family if he wanted to be with her, and he agreed...I think the fact that she is loaded, has a massive house and he was a bankrupt had something to do with it. :mad:

She made it clear that I was not welcome in her house and made a point of bigging up her daughter whenever I did go - things like the expensive things she had bought her and how beautiful and kind she was.

Lovely woman eh? :rotfl: