Help please

Alibali

I really need some advice please -

My dad (46) passed away on boxing day after a year long battle with cancer, we always knew the cancer was aggressive but earlier in the year they had managed to get rid of practically all of the cancer and things were looking up. The cancer returned later in the year, he started chemo again and we all thought that it would shrink again. Sadly it was just too much for him and he deteriorated quickly - within a matter of days. On boxing day the doctor told us he had a matter of days, he only lasted hours. Since then everything feels like a bit of a daze, and it still hasn't sunk in that he is gone - is this normal? I loved my dad so much, and I cant understand why I am not more upset or why it feels like he is just away on holiday or something.

I am supposed to be going back to work on monday, but I cant face it as I cant think straight - I went for food shopping today and when I got to the checkout I couldn't even remember which card was the housekeeping card.

Also I am pregnant, due my baby in May, I have heard that if you go off sick when pregnant they can start your maternity leave early - would my work be allowed to do this to me?

Emmzi

I think first of all you need to see your doctor, and you need to talk to your boss. Health first. If you worked for me I'd be happy to give you a week's paid compassionate leave. See what they can do regarding that, if you need to get a sick line for just now as you are clearly not up to work yet. You don't know how long this is going to take but first things first, get through this week.

SMP can be started early if you are ill due to your pregnancy.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchildren/DG_175869

4nnabella

Maternity leave can only be started early if it is within four weeks of your due date and you have been signed off due to a pregnancy-related sickness.

I am so sorry for your loss.

BitterAndTwisted

The feelings you have described are complete and utterly normal. Disbelief is the first stage of the natural grieving process. You weren't prepared for how quickly things happened, so that's very understandable.

I can't advise you on the maternity leave thingy as I have no experience but I think you should speak to your HR people and see if you can get some compassionate leave or maybe take some of your holiday entitlement for a few days. They will understand, I'm sure.

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss, angel.

msb5262

Alibali wrote: »

I really need some advice please -

My dad (46) passed away on boxing day after a year long battle with cancer, we always knew the cancer was aggressive but earlier in the year they had managed to get rid of practically all of the cancer and things were looking up. The cancer returned later in the year, he started chemo again and we all thought that it would shrink again. Sadly it was just too much for him and he deteriorated quickly - within a matter of days. On boxing day the doctor told us he had a matter of days, he only lasted hours. Since then everything feels like a bit of a daze, and it still hasn't sunk in that he is gone - is this normal? I loved my dad so much, and I cant understand why I am not more upset or why it feels like he is just away on holiday or something.

I am supposed to be going back to work on monday, but I cant face it as I cant think straight - I went for food shopping today and when I got to the checkout I couldn't even remember which card was the housekeeping card.

You poor thing - I'm so sorry for your loss.

First, it's completely normal that it hasn't sunk in yet. It can take a long time for you to fully believe in and accept the death of someone close.

Second, I think you're in shock at the moment. This inability to do everyday things is just showing the state you're in, and not surprising under the circumstances.

It's a self-protection mechanism - your mind won't let you take in what's happened, and that is why you are feeling dazed and a bit distant from everything.

Please do as suggested above and go to the GP to be signed off for a few days. You won't be fit for work and you need to have some quiet time. Take care of yourself and your baby, and you will feel more like yourself before too long. I'm so sorry you're having such a sad Christmas and New Year.

Best wishes

MsB

elsien

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
Yes it's normal to not take things in immediately - sort of a numbed disbelief. it's a coping mechanism to help you get through the first stages. Think of it as your mind protecting yourself from being completely overwhelmed by the pain of bereavement. Just remember that there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve, and at different times you'll feel all sorts of different emotions. You just have to deal with things as they happen and cope the best way that you can. And take as much time off as you need to.

Alibali

Thank you, i really appreciate all of your lovely comments. I will speak to my work on Wednesday when they are back in, and failing that see my doctor. Its good to know this is normal. x

BitterAndTwisted

Make sure that you get enough rest and don't forget to eat properly for you and your baby.

McKneff

I am so sorry, please dont forget to give your mum lots and lots of cuddles.

What you are all feeling is entirely normal,

I was in my early thirties when I lost my parents, long long time ago and just every now and again nearly 30 years later I still shed a tear now and again.

Your mum and dad must have been very brave.

lollipopsarah

oh dear, you bring it all back, I lost my dad on 27th december, way back now, and had to work that night.
Working was fine I just got on with it, but outside that was like a time warp for about 6 months.
Please take care of yourself and your baby, contact workplace and get whatever you are entitled too, should be at least a couple of days, depending who you work for ( grrrrrrrr don't ask)
Please accept my love and hugs and best wishes at this horrid time.
xx

tinktinktinkerbell

just wanted to say sorry for your loss