Changes in 2012 - scary

prettykitty

Hey

Some of you may remember my previous threads re the end of my relationship and giving me some well needed advice. Well I handled it, we stayed friends and were seeing each other once a week for a drink and catch up. He's been continuing to provide for me financially and got me a beautiful Christmas present. I had come to terms with the fact that he wasn't coming back and he never led me on in that way (there was no kissing or anything like that) so I was happy to stay friends. We agreed to meet up in early January as he was going away for Christmas.

The other day I found out that he has continued to lie to me even though we aren't together any more. He is not spending Christmas up north as he told me, but is on holiday abroad with his new girlfriend who is pregnant. He told me he wasn't seeing anyone. I have worked out that he was seeing her before he left me and I suspect was with her on my birthday when he told me he had a work awayday.

Yes it was a facebook discovery and yes, I have looked her up and she is a stunning blonde. The feelings of hurt, stupidity and inadequacy are indescribable. If I had not been at my parents' when I discovered this, I am sad to say I might not be here writing this now. I met a friend for a drink on Tuesday night because I felt scared to be home alone, and collapsed in a quivering wreck outside the pub. After he took me home I sat up all night drinking and sobbing my heart out.

There were signs throughout the relationship, I even saw vitriolic messages from people who had had dealings with him back home warning me to run like hell but no, I tried to pretend it was OK. I find it hard to trust so I tried to give the benefit of the doubt for once. I didn't have the balls to ask him to leave. I also couldn't risk him leaving me destitute. Oh and did I mention that I loved him and wanted a child with him? If you bother to look at my previous threads, the depths of my blindness and idiocy are pretty breathtaking

I have sent him an email explaining how hurt I am and wondering why he still wants to see me when it would have been easier just to walk away and never look back. I bet anything you like that he tells her he is at work drinks every Thursday night, when he is with me. It gives me no pleasure whatsoever - I doubt she knows about me. Anyway I knew he left someone behind in SA when he came to the UK so I guess karma plays a part in all this. I think he is just a serial "monogamist" and this new girl is at risk of ending up a single mother. Not my problem I know.

It could be worse - he did owe me a substantial amount of money at one point but has more than repaid that. I know some people lose everything to this sort of person.

Anyway - my family are encouraging me to move to the city close to them and get a new job. They say that they are worried about me, London is too lonely a place and I am taken for granted at work. They aren't wrong, but the thought of changing my job and moving back is scary as hell. There's nothing here but memories but something is still making me hesitant. I have applied for a couple of jobs in a strong moment earlier, and requested further details of a house near the station so I can stay in my current job by commuting, in the short term at least.

I guess I don't understand how I am feeling really. I am not angry with the ex, it's weird. I am devastated and emotionally raw, and wonder how could he have done that to me, on the other hand I always thought he was too good looking for me and of course he was always going to go off with some gorgeous woman. I know that is pathetic but if my self-esteem was low, it is now at absolute rock bottom.

I should be thinking positively about moving and making a fresh start, with more money and closer to my family, but something makes me feel that it might not be the right thing to do. My god I am confused

Please feel free to sympathise/advise/point and laugh

j.e.j.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds from your post like you have a lot of insight into the situation. This guy is clearly not monogamous and never will be, and yes, almost certainly he is telling lies to the new gf. You know you're well shot of him.

Moominmamma

I haven't read your previous posts, but just from reading this one the only conclusion I can come to is that he sounds like an absolute s**t...

I would suggest that you really need to give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with what must be a very emotionally painful situation before you make any major decisions regarding moving or changing job. You must be feeling very delicate

Good luck in whatever you decide, I know it's all very raw at the moment, and don't mean to be glib, but one day you'll be counting your blessings for your lucky escape.

caeler

I found out about my ex husband cheating on me via the wonder that is facebook. He had left me a few weeks earlier and said nobody else was involved. I hate liars. Take time for yourself to come to terms with this blow. Don't make any rash decisions and make sure any decisions that you do make that they are for you and you alone. Good luck.

vasseur

Ditto the advice above. I like facebook but hate it for the way it can make you feel when something like this happens. I didn't go on facebook for about 6 weeks after my ex finished with me and when I did I took him off my friends so I wouldn't be too tempted to look and see what he was up to.

Please don't feel stupid. I know this is a natural reaction and I felt the same too. There's nothing stupid about being open and honest with someone you're in love with. The world would be a very sad place if we were all as sly and secretive as your ex.

Cliche - but as others have said in time you'll feel better and will be relieved that you're well rid of him. A wise man (my dear Dad actually ) once told me that 'all experience is good experience even if it doesn't feel it at the time'. Try to take some positives from this.

Take care

caitlyn22

I think you sound as if you have your head screwed on and you're just doing what comes naturally - grieving for a failed relationship and fearing change.

It's easy to think "I feel so stupid...that's X years I won't get back!" when you're looking for someone to settle down with and have a family but the thought you should be having is "Great, that's another loser out of the running...now let's start living and find my prince!" :j

I would start with a list - not all huge things, but 'moments' you want to reach. It might be:

• A night out with friends where he's the last thing on your mind
• A new hobby or adventure you take that is all yours...no reminders of the past!
• Starting a new job with a new wardrobe, refreshed attitude and positive outlook
• Getting butterflies in your tummy for someone new

It might sound silly but after my bad break-ups I've gradually learned to relish each 'freedom'...from deciding what I want to watch on TV to saving a little bundle to blow on something wonderful for myself.

You will not be able to help but look at this (the relationship and the lies) from every angle and you should let yourself process all your emotions but each time you do, remind yourself that you have to keep putting those feelings to bed. To dwell for too long on the what-might-have-been, is only prolonging your pain.

Plus, the quicker you get 'you' back, the sooner your new life and Mr Right will be able to find you!

sqeeky

Was he actually keeping his options open in case he and the new girlfriend didn't work out? Or establishing a pattern where it is normal for him to go out with lots of female friends, so she can't complain when sat in with the baby and he comes back stinking of perfume?

j.e.j.

sqeeky wrote: »

Was he actually keeping his options open in case he and the new girlfriend didn't work out?

Well, I guess that's one way of putting it :rotfl:
Deny the existence of each woman to the other one and keep each of them stringing along so that he's at least got one girl if the other decided she's had enough of him.If that's the way he wants to get thru life, let him get on with it. OP is well rid, imo.

prettykitty

Thank you so much to all of you for your replies to my post.

Facebook is a horror!! but I am glad I know even though it was a pretty nasty way to find out. It was his SIL posting on her wall about how lovely their visit was and welcoming her and the baby to the family (they live in Joburg). When I messaged her saying that was a lovely way to find out, thanks, she sent one back apologising and saying clearly it "wasn't in God's plan!" for me to be with this guy - yes exclamation mark and all. I am agnostic anyway, but if her god thinks it is OK to send someone like this into several women's lives to ruin them emotionally and desert them, then I don't much want to believe in him.

I could easily "warn" his new girlfriend but I don't feel vengeful and also I know she would dismiss me as a crazy ex, but I have left my FB wall and photos intact in case she ever feels a need to check up on him. It doesn't bother me. I think by erasing his trail I would be doing him a favour He deleted me and all my family as soon as he left, now I know why.

My Mum just phoned to check on me. She says he won't stay with the new woman long - yes she is gorgeous and sexy now but (no offence whatsoever intended to any mothers out there) when she has put on weight, is constantly tired with leaky boobs and they are having sleepless nights he is likely to start casting around for the next one. I can't believe he would leave his own child but Mum says he is selfish and will always put himself first.

The new woman clearly suits his self image better than I do but that just makes him shallow. I have to keep that in mind and stop feeling like I am to blame for being too short/brunette/un-model like. I couldn't sleep last night so I tried to switch off the self doubt by thinking of all my friends partners who I don't remotely fancy but who are gorgeous to my friends - just because I didn't suit him, doesn't mean I am unattractive or have to radically change to attract a man.

j.e.j. - I think there might have been an element of keeping his options open to come back to me if she cottoned on to him but trust me it won't happen now I know he cheated and lied, and he knows how I feel about it all. Strangely I do think he actually got to like me as a friend while we were together and that's part of the reason he still wants to stay in touch.

Tonight I am seeing my best friend as it is her 40th so I need to get in gear and go out to buy her a present. I told her that I can't stay too long (so I don't get drunk) and I want to talk about her and not this guy.

I am so grateful for all your helpful replies, I feel less stupid and a bit more positive now.

PK x

Errata

You're not stupid, he's a loser and you've had a lucky escape. Scream into your pillow every night, but make sure each day is filled with work/friends/new friends/interests old and new/planning your future/ just doing 'stuff'.

prettykitty

Thanks Errata.

I was feeling better after reading through this thread and a couple of lovely phone calls from my Mum and a friend who is a Buddhist and has advised me to let go of any anger and think only positively, including towards him, as karma will take care of him in due course :A

Then I go out to buy my friend a 40th birthday pressie and card, and ALL THE CARD SHOPS ARE FULL OF VALENTINE CARDS!!!!! As if this time of year isn't hard enough for singles!!!:eek::eek::eek: