Ex husband advice money

AllyS

Hey all

Really appreciate some advice here please. Me and DH split up over 2 years ago now, it was his decision and I must admit I found it very difficult seeing my happy family destroyed - anyway fast forward a few years we are divorced and I am living with a new partner and very happy.

DH is very good at giving me my maintenance every month, which I really appreciate. The thing is that the kids want to do music lessons and I have been paying these myself, but this month they need new school clothes, shoes and I simply can't afford all of it! DH earns a lot of money and has just spent £300 on them over xmas. I go without a lot of things so that the kids can do
things, they are not spoilt and they appreciate I go without and DD has even said she will give up music lessons but you have to give a terms notice so will cost me anyway. A few people have said to me that their ex's pay maintenance and half towards clothes, clubs etc... So they are suggesting I should ask ex for more money. I was only going to ask for a contribution, even £50 would be a massive help, but I have always been extremely independent and feel really bad. Do you thing he should contribute more? The maintenance I get I use wisely and I do not waste money. I also think that now me and new partner lives together that ex thinks OH pays towards the kids upkeep, he doesn't and nor would I expect him too. We share all bills 50/50 so he already helps out with house and bills. What should I say to ex?

The other thing is that we live 200 miles away (we always meet half way to pay half towards travelling costs) from ex and he keeps on putting on Facebook and telling people that he can't see the kids often because he can't afford it, but every time he sees them he spends in excess of £200 on them! I have told him that the kids would rather see him more and DS is desperate for him to stay near us and see him play football but he won't. I have offered for him to stay at my house, me and OH could stay with friends or I will help out with accommodation but he refuses every time, but then he tells people that he misses the kids etc... I don't really care what people think but I do worry that it messes with the kids heads. They are 12 and 9. DD is pretty switched on and can see what is going on, but DS just doesn't understand at times. I have tried talking to ex but it has always been difficult getting him to open up.

Please help, I really don't know what to do about either situation.

Ta Ax

DUTR

You can ask him, it is not up to any reader that he should contribute more, it sounds like he would contribute more if he could afford to ifhe already contributes what was agreed and is around 20% of his net, then you may have to seek other ways of getting the children what they wish, do remember though there is a recession on and petrol prices are forever increasing.

purplepardalis

Does he pay the correct amount of maintenance? As in the amount according to the CSA?

jojo_2012_2

As far as paying for things I would say you should either receive maintenance OR have him pay half of everything. Not both.

You say he pays maintenance and is good at sticking to it. Is it anywhere near what the CSA would pay? If it is I wouldn't put in a claim in and jeopardise what I already was receiving, because the CSA make things very difficult for some, or some would say a lot of people.

Oh, and I wouldn't pay any attention about what he spends on them over christmas, lovely as it is it's his choice and he isn't doing you a favour so don't see it this way.

Seanymph

run it through the CSA website and see what he SHOULD pay, then stack that up against what he pays you.

Did you move further away or him?

I am in a new relationship, and my OH took on the children as well as me - we are a family - therefore he 'supports' the children as he 'supports' the family - as do I. I don't not buy his kids somethjing that I would buy mine - you can't have two kids sitting there with something and two not. We talk about it as adults, decide what we can do, and they all get the same.

Obviously your new partner doesn't have his own children - but what if you have children together? Will he pay music lessons for that one in 11 years time but not yours now?

That is where i would be making adjustments - not trying to get more money from their father.

Nottoobadyet

If, as it sounds, this is a short term pinch with the new year expenses and music lessons I think its fair to ask for one off help. He may be happy to give it, maybe not, but from the sound of it he does want to be a good dad even if he hasnt gotten all the details right.

AllyS

Hi thanks for the advice. Yes he does pay the right maintenance, I moved away hut with his total full agreement, where we lived was awful for the children and they have a much better life here. I know what he spends on the children is his business but I just feel that as someone said he doesn't get the details right, I would like to help him with that but he never did like me helping. I want to have a decent relationship but he shouted at me the other day saying that we are not friends and won't be again because ex's can't be friends

With regards to my new partner, hmm that is an interesting perspective about if we have another child, he does buy them things but doesn't contribute so to speak. I kind of think that my kids have a dad and he contributes why should my OH too?

It is just a temporary blip on the money side of things everything has come at once, but I will manage I always do.

Thanks for help x

FBaby

How much does he pay? The actual amount will have an impact. If he gives you say £100 a month for both, i expect that is less than half what they cost every month, in which case, i would ask for a one off exceptionaly. If however, he already pays £300 or more which is likely to be more than half what they cost (and not taking into account the CB you receive for them and maybe TC) then no, I don't think it is fair to ask for more.

Also, if you are the one who moved, then you need to take responsibility for this. He might have said it was ok, that doesn't mean that he liked it or supported it 100%. Also, I'm sure you could have move to a better area much closer to his. You had a right to do it for your benefit, but you can't expect him to be happy with it.

In regards to your new partner, I'm with you on this one. I too don't expect my partner to support my kids. I am happy that he does get along brilliantly with them and that the way we have worked out our budget, he does contribute towards them, but I would never EXPECT it. It is his choice to do, I would still love him if he didn't but am grateful that he does.

AllyS

I do take responsibility for moving away. I always pay for travel and I have said that I am more than happy to let him stay here or help out with accommodation so he can see them more. I can't see how I can do anymore. He does earn twice what I earn and this is including all the benefits I get, so he isn't or shouldn't be struggling financially. I have decided not to ask him for anymore money, I will manage, the only reason I thought about asking is that 4 people have said to me recently that there ex pays for clothes, music lessons etc... I guess they just have more guts than me to ask and are maybe in the minority.

Thanks for all the points of view.

olibrofiz

With DD her dad has in the past deducted anything I asked him to buy while she was on a weekend with him (clothes/trainers etc) out of the maintenance.

I've always tried not to ask ex for any extra, but in some instances I have asked him to contribute half if it's for say a school trip or the annual purchase of school uniform.

When she was driving me particularly mad I suggested he have her over the whole summer and I'd gladly forgo any maintenance, he declined either option :rotfl::rotfl: