feeling down

thoughts_please

Hello! Thank you to everyone who's bothered to read- it may well be a bit long! I've been a member of MSE with another username for a long time but I'm easily identified by my username and wanted to keep this a bit private so created a new account.

As the title says really, I've been feeling down for a while and things seem to have come to a head for me yesterday - I think I just need to share my thoughts and maybe get some advice - even if it's just 'get yourself together'!

I've been with my current boyfriend for two and a half years and living together for eighteen months. He is a lovely man and I'm very lucky to have him. However, we have had some problems I'd say for the past year or so. His line of work means at times he is very busy and work can come in at short notice and has to take priority over other things. Now I'm ok with this now, but earlier this year I didn't cope too well - I had other things (mainly health-related) going on and I think I was depressed. I therefore used to get angry at him for working (unreasonable I know). Things built up and a couple of months ago he was on the verge of leaving but I asked him to stay. This made me realise how badly I had behaved and how my feelings were irrational and I saw a counsellor for help. After the first session I felt much better and now feel as though I'm ok with the work situation. However, he still feels very resentful for my earlier behaviour (which I can understand) and says he's permanently rushed even though I've told him to take his time with things etc. He does agree that things have been better though and last night he did say he was glad he stayed.

Anyway, yesterday my younger sister got engaged and although I'm happy for her (or trying to be!), I'm resentful it's not me as I'm older and been with my partner longer (even though given how difficult things have been recently I know it wouldn't be the right time for us). I didn't let on to her or my family about how I felt but did cry on my boyfriend's shoulder last night/ this morning. He was lovely and said we had those things to come and that he understood but this morning he seems angry about it - saying it's put pressure on him (which I understand, but he asked me to tell him how I felt about it). He also said he still isn't happy about me dealing with work etc and now I'm just scared of losing him - I really wouldn't have told him I was upset about it if I knew it would turn out this way. Anyway we had a little talk but didn't really resolve things and he's out working again (and will be tomorrow and the day after). I am feeling really down about things and have been asked to go to my dad's but I know she'll be there and I'll struggle to put a brave face on!

Anyway, sorry for the massive rant - let me know your thoughts if you like or any advice on how to cope with things better - especially the engagement/ handling work (or making it clearer to my partner that I'm handling work ok)m

Thanks x

January20

Although irrational, I think it's perfectly understandable that you are feeling the way you do about your sister's engagement. You have had a tough year healthwise but also in your relationship and I think it's making you a lot more sensitive than you might perhaps be? Did you see your GP about feeling depressed? Did you get a diagnosis for it? Do you think you should go back and get checked out?

Re your boyfriend, you're going to have to talk to him, and clearly state why you ended up in tears over your sister's engagement, express the pressures that you obviously feel under. As for you handling work, or the way he works, I think you can only prove to him you have moved on with time, with your actions in the future. You have already shown that you realised you had a problem by having counselling. Could you have more?

And please don't say that you are lucky to have your boyfriend. It makes me wonder how you view yourself, how much you value yourself, how much self confidence and self worth you have? If you are lucky to have him, then he is lucky to have you.

jetplane

Take your time, Christmas is a time when emotions run high. On the one hand people make grand gestures, others feel they need to play happy families and yet the emergency services are in overdrive with domestic violence and suicide attempts.

All long term relationships have ups and downs, this time next year yours may be on an up and your sisters on a down, its coming out the other end that matters. Its OK that you resented your partners work, because work was his priority and you saw less of him when you felt you needed him more, because you were depressed.

There's no shame in admitting that you feel a little envious so say it out loud, I'm so happy for you, oh I wish it was me, then you don't have to put on a brave face. As for your partner he may feel under pressure at work from himself and transfer that on to you, all you can do is show that you support him by your actions rather than analysing everything.

Do the things you need to do for yourself when he is at work, because its important to look after yourself, depression can creep back especially when faced with other challenges. Spend your time together enjoying what you have rather than wishing for something else.

thoughts_please

January20 many thanks for your reply - it means a lot that someone has bothered to read it and give such a thoughtful response. It also helped me very much to read that you understood (although my partner and a close Friend have also said the same, it feels better to have someone else say it).

I suppose the way this year has gone probably has made me much more sensitive as a person - although I've always been a worrier I would never have acted so irrationally before. I didn't see my GP as I was worried about being given medication and how future employers might view it too (I know this is stupid!). Also, I very quickly (until yesterday anyway) started to feel much better. So I was never diagnosed with clinical depression but felt that was a likely cause of my altered mood/actions. Perhaps I should go but I still have the same concerns about seeing my doctor (and also generally feel ok).

Your advice re. my boyfriend is good - we do need a good talk - I felt good talking to him last night and felt so happy with what he said but it just felt strange that he seemed angry this morning. It is a stressful time for him though with work at the minute so perhaps that's partly to blame... I did think that just my actions would be enough to help him realise I was ok with the work-related issues now and I think me seeing the counsellor did help him see I was serious about changing. He's said it will take time though which I totally understand and all I can do is continue to behave as I am doing. I'm unsure about seeing the counsellor again - firstly it was expensive and although I can afford it, I would rather be saving the money to do up House/ pay off mortgage. Also the first session was really good and she made me realise how my past was affecting me (in some ways I had a very difficult childhood) but the 2 following sessions seemed stilted and as though I/we didn't know what to say. Also, that counsellor isn't seeing anyone now so would have to start from scratch..

Your last paragraph rang true - I have very little self confidence and a lot of my worries relate to a feeling of insecurity. Because of my past I have little self worth and probably feel like I don't deserve good things in a way (often I feel as though I don't deserve my boyfriend and worry about losing the good things in my life - our home, my job, him). Until this year I think he would agree that he was lucky to have me but with the way I've been I'd be surprised if he still felt that way - although he does try to tell me I don't believe him.

Anyway thank you so much for you reply x

thoughts_please

Many thanks for your reply too jetplane - sorry our posts crossed!

I'm in tears thinking how kind you've been to write such a kind reply. You're right - Christmas is always a difficult time which can highlight any insecurities you have. Although I don't feel down enough to hurt myself I can genuinely understand why people would do (I used to be a Samaritan volunteer so I know it's a busy time for them).

Although I wouldn't wish it on her, you're right relationships do go through downs as well as ups and if I'm still with my boyfriend and we're still happy then I'll be ok - ring or no ring. It means a lot that you understand why I resented his work in the past - although strangely although I feel down/depressed now I didn't have those same feelings when he went to work today (although I would never take him up on it, he offered not to go in which meant a lot to me too).

I thought about admitting my jealousy but since I acted all happy for her yesterday I don't really want to take the shine off it. Also I don't want to put anymore pressure on my boyfriend by letting my family know it bothers me. In a silly way although it annoys me that she's younger and been with her fiance less time, one of the things I fear is that if we were to follow suoit before they married people may think we're just copying and so it feels like it could be a long wait for me (if it happens at all). My boyfriend says that's silly and even if people do think that we know better and I know he's right but I can't help how I feel. He is under pressure with work and I do try to support him but it doesn't seem to help - he says he still feels constantly pressured by me to do everything quickly. I keep telling him to take his time and I hope eventually he'll realise I mean it..

You're right I do need to focus on myself but at times (now but before then not for a while) it feels as though these things are all encompassing$ at times like these I don't seem to take the same pleasure from small things I used to enjoy.. I'll snap out of it! I do need to consider the positive parts of my life and although I have no ring I do love my boyfriend very much and enjoy the time we do spend together.

Thank you for your considerate response, it really did bring me to tears. X

jetplane

That is generous of you wanting to put on a brave face so as not to take the shine off your sisters happiness. I hope you do feel better soon. Don't put pressure on yourself to snap out of it, especially if you are not feeling pleasure from things you used to, although I'm sure through your training at the sanmaritans you realise that there are warning signs.

I think today, through media, lifestyle propaganda and advertising we have so many pressures on us as to how an ideal relationship is portrayed or what it is to be successful that its no wonder we feel inadequate at times. Real life is so much harder.

thoughts_please

Thank you for your reply. I hope I feel better soon too! I know I can't just snap out of it but I do think I need a more positive attitude. I know that it's not a good sign that I'm not enjoying certain things. I think I'll be ok though..

There is a lot of pressure to have the perfect life and I think I feel those pressures more than most just due to my nature. You're right - real life is extremely difficult at times. I hope I've finished with my run of bad luck/ experiences and want to have a positive, happy fresh start in 2012.

Any other comments very welcome - especially advice or from people who feel/ have felt in a similar way. X

FBaby

Do remember that sometimes in life others get what you want, and at other times, you are the lucky one. For all you know, in a few years time, you will both have want children, you will fall pregnant not even trying when she will have been trying for months. It is totally normal that you should feel a bit down about it, but don't compare yourself to her and be grateful for what you have. Don't let her see your resentment, it might make her feel uncomfortable around you and it is not fair on her as she has done nothing wrong.

thoughts_please

Hello Fbaby and thank you for replying. I am grateful for what I have and don't intend for her to know I'm upset by it - like you say it's not her fault. It's funny you mention children as I would love to be a mother but now I see her 'beating' me at that too (I know it's petty and these things aren't a race/ competition). She has been pregnant before and for no particular reason I worry that I won't be able to conceive. I do need to be thankful for all the positives in my own life though, try not to conpare myself to others and just wait for things to happen to me in good time - just finfing that difficulkt right now... Thanks again x.

Callie22

It's hard to get a sense of the whole situation from an internet post but reading through this, it sounds like the problems in your relationship have become 'your' fault and therefore 'your' problem - is this really the case here? I don't know what your relationship with your OH is like but problems in a relationship are rarely just one person's fault, and it ust sounds to me like you've taken everything onto your shoulders. Yes, you may have behaved 'badly' in the past but if one half of a partnership is having difficulties with some aspect of the relationship then both halves have to work together to sort it out.

It can be very, very hard to be in a relationship with someone who works very long hours, or who works away from home a lot (and I speak from experience, for the past couple of years me and my OH have only lived together at weekends due to his work). It's very easy to end up with both people feeling resentful - one person feels neglected (and gulity for showing this) and the other feels pressured (and guilty for 'causing' the situation). However I don't think that you should try to hide how you feel - it's important to both be honest about what's happening otherwise you get explosions that seem to come from nowhere but in reality are a culmination of weeks/months of frustration. I also don't think that you should feel gulity for having needs, or asking for them to be met - a relationship isn't about you slowly dying inside because there are problems that you feel you have to hide. No easy solution, but I think you're beating yourself up a bit here and taking responsibility for everything when maybe you shouldn't. This is a problem in your relationship which by definition involves two people - not just you.

I think it really might be helpful if you try the counselling again - you could go an see your GP and then the cost might be less. Tbh, it sounds like your last counsellor maybe wasn't right for you but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try again - I appreciate what you're saying about the cost but you can't really put a price on mental health (and sorting thigs out now - or at least getting a better understanding of them - might help with the future plans). I also don't think you should worry about seeing your GP if you think you may be depressed. It's easy to get overwhelmed with things when you're down, but even a short course of anti-depressants could help you to get things in persepective, and help break that feeling of low self-confidence.

FBaby

thoughts_please wrote: »

Hello Fbaby and thank you for replying. I am grateful for what I have and don't intend for her to know I'm upset by it - like you say it's not her fault. It's funny you mention children as I would love to be a mother but now I see her 'beating' me at that too (I know it's petty and these things aren't a race/ competition). She has been pregnant before and for no particular reason I worry that I won't be able to conceive. I do need to be thankful for all the positives in my own life though, try not to conpare myself to others and just wait for things to happen to me in good time - just finfing that difficulkt right now... Thanks again x.

I know, I think we've all been there at some stage of our lives (I struggle with this quite a bit myself), but know that the more you let these feelings get to you, the more your bitterness affect the relationships that mean so much to you. Nothing wrong with a private 'feeling sorry for myself moment though', I certainly have them