Helping MIL - should it matter that she gives it away?

Wizwoo

Hello,
(Sorry this goes on a bit!)
We've been doing the Christmas visits including a visit to MIL (who now lives with BIL & SIL).
FIL died just over a year ago and after a chat with dh and MIL because we're not just round the corner (and so can't just pop round) we offered to help with the monthly grocery bill by paying for bulky items to be delivered (laundry stuff, cleaning stuff etc).

BIL & SIL who live with her have been brilliant and in fact have given up a lot to do so, so we always include a little something for them too.
All that's been fine until on our visit we find out that the rest of the family (she has another 4 kids who all live within 5 miles) hardly visit and when they do they borrow (...that's what they call it) cash from her or get given some of the stuff we buy her. Aparently we've visited more than most which seems terrible when 1 of then works 2 nights a week less than 200yds away.

The thing is now we are questioning if we are doing the right thing. BIL and SIL who live with her are caring for her and covering all her utility bills and seem to be the ones really struggling. How can we help them without upsetting her? We thought that maybe visiting 1 a month (on top of our current visits) to stay the night giving them the chance to have a night out. At the moment they are her taxi service 4 nights a week going out a 7pm and wanting to be picked up at 9.30pm. She hates being alone at home - how easy would it be to find out about local clubs / events for the elderly that she might be able to join?

BitterAndTwisted

To be honest I would be worrying more about BIL & SIL and their lack of free time away from home than I would be about upsetting MIL If it wasn't for the two of them what would MIL have?

Emmzi

Ask BIL and SIL what they would appreciate most. It might be cash, it might be a night out. But don't assume.

If MIL is mentally sound it's up to her what she does with her cash.

Mojisola

Honestly, if MIL is living rent-free, not paying utility bills and having half her shopping paid for by someone else, she probably feels quite well off.

It's probably time for a reality check for the carers. This situation could go on for years. Do they really want to be in the same situation five or ten years down the line? There's absolutely no reason why MIL shouldn't be contributing to the household. If she was in her own place or in a care home, she would be expected to do so.

daveys_2

Can't agree with the previous replies more. Why not treat BIL and SIL to a weekend away (hunt down a Groupon type deal) and either have MIL at yours for that w/end or go to BIL & SIL's to look after her.

It does seem that you are concentrating your help towards MIL, when really it's B & SIL who could do with it most.

Treed

It seems MIL is quite cushioned in her new lifestyle. BIL and SIL are obviously doing a lot for her.
I would be wondering what her other relatives that live close by actually do for any of them.

Instead of giving MIL things i would be giving them to BIL and SIL, then as MIL lives there too she can use the things, however they are not hers to give away. Such as money.

An open and honest discussion to clear the air is needed here.

BIL and SIL must be run off there feet, staying with them may cause more stress. Maybe taking MIL out once a month would be more appreciated as it gives them a night/day to themselves.

Wizwoo

Thank you all so much. We are both worried about B & SIL, part of the issue is that we both get on well with them and would love a night where we could all go out...or we had thought of taking them away overnight in Feb (SIL b'day) but our problem has been trying to get the rest of the family then to help.

One of my dh other brothers plans to have her over night Xmas eve - but then bring her back for Xmas lunch (which I thought was really a bit mean) leaving bil and sil at home to prepare lunch.

We have suggested that they could drop her off with us on their way to the coast (which they love) - but she would want to go too!
But as you said Treed - we need to have a bit of a chat.

skypie123_2

Is MIL disabled or mentally ill?
I'm just wondering why everyone seems to be wrapping her in cotton wool. If she is incapable of caring for herself then fair enough but unless she is mentally unwell I don't understand why she wouldn't grasp that BIL and SIL need some time out.
What she does with her own money is her business I guess but if you and BIL and SIl are pretty much paying for everything in her life I can understand why it stings.
You need to have a big chat and not just with MIL, SIL and BIL but the other siblings.
I don't understand why half the family are paying for everything for her and the other half just taking everything from her.

londonsurrey

skypie123 wrote: »

Is MIL disabled or mentally ill?
I'm just wondering why everyone seems to be wrapping her in cotton wool. If she is incapable of caring for herself then fair enough but unless she is mentally unwell I don't understand why she wouldn't grasp that BIL and SIL need some time out.
What she does with her own money is her business I guess but if you and BIL and SIl are pretty much paying for everything in her life I can understand why it stings.
You need to have a big chat and not just with MIL, SIL and BIL but the other siblings.
I don't understand why half the family are paying for everything for her and the other half just taking everything from her.

It strikes me that OP and the live-in carer children are the ones who are acting decently, and the others are swanning in and out and regarding the gifts as due payment for their visits, ergo the payers and takers in this play.

skypie123_2

londonsurrey wrote: »

It strikes me that OP and the live-in carer children are the ones who are acting decently, and the others are swanning in and out and regarding the gifts as due payment for their visits, ergo the payers and takers in this play.

Exactly. That is what I mean. But BIL and SIL must be run off their feet. I can't imagine how hard it is to care for your mother 24/7 and not even be allowed a break. I am wondering why they are doing so much for her, which is why I asked if she is mentally ill (and therefore not able to care for herself) or disabled in some way (which is why she needs carers). She must understand that BIL and SIL need a break. And it does strike me as massively unfair that she is giving away things that OP and BIL and SIL are paying for, for her, to those who are doing nothing for her.

londonsurrey

skypie123 wrote: »

Exactly. That is what I mean. But BIL and SIL must be run off their feet. I can't imagine how hard it is to care for your mother 24/7 and not even be allowed a break. I am wondering why they are doing so much for her, which is why I asked if she is mentally ill (and therefore not able to care for herself) or disabled in some way (which is why she needs carers). She must understand that BIL and SIL need a break. And it does strike me as massively unfair that she is giving away things that OP and BIL and SIL are paying for, for her, to those who are doing nothing for her.

I've learnt the really hard way, that acting decently does not mean that most people look at you and think "Oh yes, I can help out with X, Y and Z".

It sounds like you do think like that, and all credit to you. But equally, the other types, if challenged, will simply come up with ridiculous excuses. It's scarcely worth talking to them. All you can do is control what you can, namely who you give the help to.

From the MIL's point of view, it's all one big game whereby she does what she can to keep the visitors coming. And if some of those visitors require payment, that's great - she has payment ("gifts" and "help" in her mind) to give! Don't forget - she brought up those people too.

You can't change the dynamics too much of a family. They have decades of ***ed up entrenched behaviours going on. A thinking person might be appalled, but you know what, these ****ed up relationships do kinda work because they don't think too hard about it, and they're can be actually happy in their own way. Challenging it makes them upset - YOU'RE spoiling the game that they've been happily playing for decades.

Been there. Still don't like the game.
That's why I don't play it. Still think it's a rubbish game, can see it now, but every now and then, it drifts into my mind "But why would they..." and I have to firmly tell myself that I can't change it and they WANT it that way.