Help with this dilema please

cjj_2

Hi
My friends Mum is very ill and I had started doing a few hours cleaning for her per week. This has turned in to me going in for an hourish 5 times a week. Last night my friend sounded me out as to how I would feel sleeping over at her Mums say twice a week. The hospital have said she is in the final stages of her disease. My friend said there is no pressure if I dont want to but I always find saying no hard. I am not good in a crisis and also suffer from severe ocd and the thoughts of the responsibility and how I would have to watch my friends Mum deteriorate fills me with dread to the point of feeling physically sick. I found my friends Mum collapsed the other week during the day time and was really shook up and I think through the night on my own I would be frightened. Any advise on this matter greatly appreciated. I do want to help my friend through this and dont want to let her down.TIA

elvis86

cjj wrote: »

Hi
My friends Mum is very ill and I had started doing a few hours cleaning for her per week. This has turned in to me going in for an hourish 5 times a week. Last night my friend sounded me out as to how I would feel sleeping over at her Mums say twice a week. The hospital have said she is in the final stages of her disease. My friend said there is no pressure if I dont want to but I always find saying no hard. I am not good in a crisis and also suffer from severe ocd and the thoughts of the responsibility and how I would have to watch my friends Mum deteriorate fills me with dread to the point of feeling physically sick. I found my friends Mum collapsed the other week during the day time and was really shook up and I think through the night on my own I would be frightened. Any advise on this matter greatly appreciated. I do want to help my friend through this and dont want to let her down.TIA

She's said there's no pressure so obviously understands it's a big ask. You're not comfortable about the idea. So tell her you're unable to help in that way, but will do your best to support her in other ways which you're comfortable with. Simple.

londonsurrey

First rule of lifesaving lessons at a pool, even in a lesson for 6 year old children - Keep yourself safe. It doesn't help you or the person you're helping if you drown yourself.

Your heart is in the right place. It's good that you recognise your own limitations.
Far better for you to inform your friend so that she can plan accordingly, rather than you saying yes, and then falling to bits during an emergency, the worst possible time for your friend to find out! You're doing everyone a favour to be upfront about the facts.

marywooyeah

why can't your friend stay with her mum herself? it's a big ask of you to stay there twice a week when you already visit to clean most days. It's ultimately up to you but it does sound unreasonable of your friend to ask.

fluffnutter

Don't do it. This isn't your responsibility and you're simply not equipped to help with this. Don't feel bad, you're helping anyway and you sound a loving and giving person.

Why isn't this friend helping her mum herself?

Quackers1

How about seeing if there's a local hospice or other provision of Night Nurses locally? It is one of the services that our local hospice provides and they are fantastic in an hour of need. Details may be available from the GP or other professionals looking after your friend's Mum.

colli

Just be honest and say you don't think you're up to it. I'm sure your friend would feel terrible if she knew how worried you are about it and that you don't know how to say no. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

Maybe you could help by looking into any help she may be able to get from charities that support the terminally ill? I'm sure any little bits of help you can offer to your friend at this time will be greatly appreciated.

busiscoming2

Don't be afraid to tell your friend you don't want to do it. Be honest and tell her why. If she is a true friend she will understand. We all have personal boundaries. I think this is too big an ask anyway.

3v3

Aw, bless you! It is a dilema - wanting to help, hating to say no, but knowing it would be too much for you and how to say it so you don't offend.

I think you should say to your friend that you value the trust she has in you by asking you to do this; however, you cannot make any further commitments on your time but you are happy to continue to pop in for an hour or so when you can. She will understand because a) you say she is just "sounding you out" and b) she has assured you there is no pressure

If you cannot say it to her face-to-face, write her a note to that effect. I think she will be more understanding that you are worried about.

Good luck in whatever you decide and however you decide to do it.

Hoping her mother has as pain free a time of it as is possible and that her daughter copes with all she has in front of her.

LEJC

If this lady is in the final stages of her life then really its not your responsibilty to look after her...that responsibility lies with her family who can get help from others too....

the hospital would not discharge her without knowing exactly what the provision for her care is be that by family members or someone from a hospice type organisation or indeed a private care agency...

Private care agencies charge huge amounts of money for an overnight stay and this can easiy be in the region of £100 per night or more....and even the charges for an hours domestic cleaning is in the region of £20...so in honesty if you are being approached to help out then I think its one thing saying that you will pop in for an hour a day but totally a different ball game if you are asked to stay the night....

Please be firm with your friend and only accept the commitment that you are comfortable with.....personally I think your commitment of an hour a day is very generous...

cjj_2

Thankyou so much everyone. You have been a real help. I now feel confident I can tell my friend it is simply too much for me and that I am willing to support them in other ways. Thanks again for the quick replys and Merry Christmas to all