Can anyone help, splitting up when you have kids?

BLUEBIE

Hi

Well following on from my post last week asking if you can get over infidelity, well it turns out you can't when you discover texts between them only a couple of days later.

So nayway, moving on, we are obviously now splitting up, and I was just wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom they could share regarding the children at this point. Or even what to do at this moment. I'm putting a brave face on it over xmas, couldn't put the house on the market before then anyway, but will be talking to mortgage peeps in the mean time. etc, what else to do.

My dd will live with me, whats the norm for visits from the other parent? Also I don't think my OH will be having her on over night visits, is this important? Should I push him on it? That said she is nearly 13 so shuld it be up to her?

Also my OH suffers from clinical depression, I have tried to get him to go back to Dr's to talk to his counciller as a precaution as this is going to be a very difficult time all round but he refuses. I will try to make it as pain free as possible for him, although no doubt some hurt etc will slip out. Is there any one out there who has experience of splitting up with someone with depression who can advise? He did take an overdose back in the summer when I nearly left the last time I found out he was seeing this OW. Although I am done with him, he is my dd's father and I do love/care about him very much, and don't want to push him over the top.

Any help, any one please?

B

Seanymph

do as little as possible, for a while, smile, and soldier on.

This will be amazingly stressful for you, a difficult time for you and your child, and things will change weekly if not daily in how you and she feel.

Take her lead, explain as much as you can, and take it a day at a time. Will selling the house be best for you and her? If it's not don't do it. She will be going through a lot, if she can stay in her home that will help. Does he want to see her? Has he asked? When he does THEN worry about it - ask her if she wants to and if she doesn't she doesn't have to.

You and her hunker down, spend time together, talk to each other, make sure you are there for her every step of the way, and take it slowly. Nothing has to be done today except for putting a meal on the table and keeping a roof over yours two head.

I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out as you wanted. You'll grieve for a while, but if I could say one thing to you it would be that this time will pass. You will be fine, life will keep trundling on and it will fade.

BLUEBIE

We won't both ideally like to stay in the house, but thats not possible, I can manage the mortgage paymenst fine, but not them and the repaymenst to c/c companys loans etc. So my plan is the sell the house, use half the equity to pay of all debts and downsize using the other half, less what he wants of course, to pay towards new deposit.

Just want to do my best for everyone all round and save my baby as much grief as I can.

x

brians_daughter

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Hi

Well following on from my post last week asking if you can get over infidelity, well it turns out you can't when you discover texts between them only a couple of days later.

So nayway, moving on, we are obviously now splitting up, and I was just wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom they could share regarding the children at this point. Or even what to do at this moment. I'm putting a brave face on it over xmas, couldn't put the house on the market before then anyway, but will be talking to mortgage peeps in the mean time. etc, what else to do.

My dd will live with me, whats the norm for visits from the other parent? Also I don't think my OH will be having her on over night visits, is this important? only if it is important to your DD, ask her or talk as a family about arrangements - maybe hard atm but it must be done at some point

Should I push him on it? Personally i would say nope, whats the point fo pushing someone into having a child overnight if they dont wish to? What i mean is this will come accross and your DD will pick up on it - does she want to go? Its very early days yet and things will settle intoa routine for you all if you work at it.That said she is nearly 13 so shuld it be up to her?

Also my OH suffers from clinical depression, I have tried to get him to go back to Dr's to talk to his counciller as a precaution as this is going to be a very difficult time all round but he refuses. I will try to make it as pain free as possible for him, although no doubt some hurt etc will slip out. Is there any one out there who has experience of splitting up with someone with depression who can advise? Yes, and TBH although your intentions not to upset him are honourable I would be inclined to ay that you have given second chances and now it is time to look out for you and yours and put the ex on the back burner - hard i know.

He did take an overdose back in the summer when I nearly left the last time I found out he was seeing this OW. Although I am done with him, he is my dd's father and I do love/care about him very much, and don't wantto push him over the top. Tell him what you have said ie you still love/care for him as dd's father and want the best for him.

Any help, any one please?

B

Hugs op, TBH i wouldnt be putting the house on the market for a few months - just so you can re-assess thing sat a later date, give yourself some breathing time and more importantly let your DD soak in whats just happened without her fearing she will be moving home/shool/away from friends etc (speak from experience with my eldest who was a simular age)

Look after you2 now, ok, yes look out for him and be there in a capacity of mother of his child etc.

Also, without sounding rude, is your DD safe with him if you fear for his mental welfare? What i mean is, if hes already taken an overdose (in the relatively recent past) is this a risk/concern now you have split? ie your DDs not going to be in a position of being there when he could attempt to do the same again? Whilst i do not condone keeping her away from him maybe he could come to you to see her or maybe take her out for the day? I dunno, it just stuck out as an issue for me? Although i am sure you have already weighed up any such risks. Speak to your DD and try to accomadate her wishes, not what you feel is the 'right thing' to do

Good luck x

Seanymph

which is why you should do as little as possible right now.

DOing what's best for your ex may not be best for you and your littley.

I have seen it so many times (and been through it) - being 'fair' now and handing over half the assets and assuming half the debts is less appealing in 12 months IF you are sending your daughter off to a household with two incomes whilst you struggle to work part time with all the responsibility of having to take time off work every time she's poorly. And believe me that 'fair' thing you will strive to achieve won't work both ways. I've never seen it.

Sit tight, sign nothing, get your name off everything you can, and see how you feel in a month or so. Nothing needs to change rapidly - and you need to put your daughter first - that means to stop being a carer of your ex, he's an adult, and you are all in a situation of his choosing. Your daughter will be your responsibility for a long time, he will choose his level of commitment, and his level of involvement - and it doesn't matter how highly you think of him, or what you expect, once he has another woman in the equation (and sooner or later he will do ) you won't be dealing with him, you'll be dealing with her.

WHilst he is still sorry and amenable get your own bank account, type the letters to get things put into his name (any account with overdrafts, credit cards, loans) - and get away from them if you possibly can.

BLUEBIE

Hi Brians daughter,

As for my dd being safe, he would never do anything to hurt her, but yes she was in the house when he took his overdose, don't think he meant to do it though, not that that makes it any better. But yes don't worry I will be keeping a very close eye on things. Yes although it is difficult to 'giveup' on him. I know that for mine and my dd sake and sanity it is time to move on. I just feel I can't help him anymore, esp as he doesn't seem to want to help him self as everytime he feels down he goes off with her again. We (I) obviously don't make him happy but he hasn't got the balls to go and if I try to leave the overdose ting happens. Oh well.

Bufger

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Hi

Well following on from my post last week asking if you can get over infidelity, well it turns out you can't when you discover texts between them only a couple of days later.

So nayway, moving on, we are obviously now splitting up, and I was just wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom they could share regarding the children at this point. Or even what to do at this moment. I'm putting a brave face on it over xmas, couldn't put the house on the market before then anyway, but will be talking to mortgage peeps in the mean time. etc, what else to do.

My dd will live with me, whats the norm for visits from the other parent? Also I don't think my OH will be having her on over night visits, is this important? Should I push him on it? That said she is nearly 13 so shuld it be up to her?

Also my OH suffers from clinical depression, I have tried to get him to go back to Dr's to talk to his counciller as a precaution as this is going to be a very difficult time all round but he refuses. I will try to make it as pain free as possible for him, although no doubt some hurt etc will slip out. Is there any one out there who has experience of splitting up with someone with depression who can advise? He did take an overdose back in the summer when I nearly left the last time I found out he was seeing this OW. Although I am done with him, he is my dd's father and I do love/care about him very much, and don't want to push him over the top.

Any help, any one please?

B

Be prepared for the whole overdose/suicide drama this time around if hes refusing help. He will try and take you on an emotional rollercoaster by the sounds of it. Expect it now and you can manage yourself through it. Do not give in and take him back if he's playing this game, he obviously doesnt value what he's lost as he wouldnt have cheated.

daska

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Hi Brians daughter,

As for my dd being safe, he would never do anything to hurt her, but yes she was in the house when he took his overdose, don't think he meant to do it though, not that that makes it any better. But yes don't worry I will be keeping a very close eye on things. Yes although it is difficult to 'giveup' on him. I know that for mine and my dd sake and sanity it is time to move on. I just feel I can't help him anymore, esp as he doesn't seem to want to help him self as everytime he feels down he goes off with her again. We (I) obviously don't make him happy but he hasn't got the balls to go and if I try to leave the overdose ting happens. Oh well.

Unfortunately him not deliberately doing anything to hurt her is not the same as her being safe - because it's not just her physical safety that needs to be considered. If his mental state is not good then that will affect the way he behaves and could lead to actions which impact on her - imagine if he attempted suicide while she were with him. I hope the split results in everything improving for all of you.

msb5262

Hello OP,

Very sorry to hear that your hopes of reconciliation have been dashed. It's not easy to start moving on.

My children were 5,7 and 9 when my husband moved out. We didn't tell the children until we had found somewhere for him to live, then arranged it so when he moved out, it was on a Saturday morning and the children went along too and stayed for the weekend.

This way they only found out when we could tell them what was going to happen and when. We also set weekend dates (they go to him every other weekend and one night during the week) straight away, informed their teachers of the change of circumstances and made sure that we both had a list of which clubs/activities were taking place when. I also took the children out, one at a time, and let them choose a special cuddly toy to keep at Dad's house so they knew it would always be waiting for them.

On a practical level for myself, I contacted the building society and got them to put the mortgage on an interest-only basis for a bit (it was three months initially but they extended it each month I required them to do this) as we were paying mortgage and rent at the same time.

Can't think of anything else at the moment but hopefully it will all come back to me. Just make sure you are good to yourself and plan something nice for evenings when your DD is with your ex. If I were you, I'd be talking to the family GP about the whole situation as your OH has previously taken an overdose so his wellbeing, yours and your daughter's are all potentially at risk.

Take care of yourself and keep talking to everyone who will listen.

All the best

MsB

property.advert

Perhaps the best is not to sell the property and see what happens. If he eventually does move out then he has a duty (moral and legal) to cover the bills.

The critical thing to do is to sit him down and quietly go through what you have already decided you need from him financially if he moves out. He cannot see it as him having all his income to spend on a new love interest. Most decent guys would agree.

Mojisola

property.advert wrote: »

Perhaps the best is not to sell the property and see what happens. If he eventually does move out then he has a duty (moral and legal) to cover the bills.

No, he doesn't. He'll have to provide child maintenance. How BLUEBIE funds her life is then down to her.