Just don't know what to do anymore....

ladyandthetramp

Hi,

Am hoping for some advice on my relationship.

Basically my ex-partner and I split up in July after a series of rows, we had been together 5 years and have a child together who is 2 and a half. At the time of splitting up he was working away, and I thought I would let him go to work and hopefully calm down a bit, before trying to sort things out. The day he left (the day after our huge "we are splitting up" argument) I found a text to his friend in his phone arranging to move in with his friend, I was gutted and asked his friend to put him off for a couple of days as I didn't want to do anything rash, and I wanted to see if things could be resolved. Next day I get a phone call from ex, saying "I am 100% serious about us splitting up, don't say stuff like that to my friend" I was a bit put out, and saw it as me trying to salvage what we had left, he took it as me interfering.

A few weeks pass and at times it got quite nasty, but after a month or so we started to get on again, he started staying over so he could see our son, and we almost reverted back to being a couple again. A couple of times he said he loved me still and he thought he wanted it to work.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I haven't been able to contact him for a few days and started to worry a bit, so I logged into his email (he had no idea I knew his password) and found messages to a girl we both used to, kind of, work with. Mostly sexual, but signed off with love you. These started 2 weeks after we split, and appeared to end abruptly around 2 weeks before I found them, so a couple of weeks in total, the worse thing is shes a married, and highly catholic polish woman! So I called him and went mental, could not believe he would be spending time with me while carrying on this behind my back. He said he was sorry but we were split up, and to his credit seemed genuinely sorry, he had ended it as he thought we could work things out.

Turned out he got the sack cus of this relationship (they worked together, far too complex to explain) and all of a sudden he finds himself jobless, girlfriend less, and homeless. So comes crawling back to me, but not as you would imagine, wanted me to help him out and let him stay at mine until he sorted himself out and got his own place. We have spoken since about maybe working things out but it just turns into a massive argument and we get no where.

I am quite a guarded person and barriers are seriously up, I can't open up and tell him how I really feel for fear of being rejected again, so I just let resentment boil up, and don't say anything, and we just basically go round in circles. The truth is I am not sure how I feel, I wanted to have a child and bring that child up together, we get along pretty well the majority of the time but it feels like we have gone past ever trying to sort things out as too much has happened.

He is still living with me, and at times we revert back to being like a couple, and then he will start talking about moving out, and I get upset and angry again, and its back to square one. I know what we really need is space, but his finances mean that he is unable to move out of my house (and hasn't really go anywhere else to go for various reasons) so just feel totally stuck and would love some advice.

BitterAndTwisted

You need to stop reading his texts and snooping on his emails! How can you possibly rebuild your relationship when you aren't to be trusted?

Seems that he's just staying with you out of convenience and if this "reverting back to being a couple" means that you're having sex, well he really knows which side of the bread is buttered, doesn't he?

MarilynMonroe_2

Sounds liek youre getting your hopes up but he's just biding his time before he moves on.
It's not fair to you to have him living with you like this. You need to set boundaries - there's no more being like a couple unless he's committed to being one - you need to be firm with him , otherwise youre going to get hurt and will resent him xx

Emmzi

you'll know if he is a bloke who is just useless at being alone. It'd explain the speed of finding a new woman.

I suspect you know what to do already?

balletshoes

Sorry this is probably not what you want to hear, but I haven't seen anything at all in anything that you've written in your post which would suggest that you have a relationship with this man. He is your ex, and he seems to be telling you that fairly frequently. If you want a lodger, fine, put it on that footing, he pays board. But what he does with other women is none of your business - you are not together.

I'm not saying he's blameless, he shouldn't be asking you if he can stay with you, thats not fair on you. But you are the one who can say No.

thegirlintheattic

Why are you letting him string you along like this?!

Get rid of him, he's playing the confused boyfriend so he has a roof over his head and sex at his beck and call.

pinkshoes

Firstly, you had absolutely NO RIGHT whatsoever to snoop on his email, and then you had the nerve to challenge him on what he did in his private life as a single man! You have absolutely betrayed his trust, so quite rightfully the guy is confused about whether he loves you and wants to try again, or whether it's never going to work as you clearly don't trust him.

Either the two of you want it to work, or you don't. Just sit down DISCUSS it like a couple, and if you want space, then TELL him to move out, and give him 48 hours to find somewhere else.

Bubby

OP I really feel for you its very difficult to listen to your head when your heart is saying something different:(

You want him to be a part of your family and are letting him stay with you to try and work things out but as an outsider it is clear to see that he is using you as a comfort blanket until he finds someone else. It will be very very difficult but its like a plaster the longer you leave it on the more painful it will be to remove. If you want him to be with you then you need to lay it all on the line and tell him that he is either with you or quite frankly without you. He can always see his child and be a father but he cannot string you along anymore

ladyandthetramp

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. My ex has just received a massive tax rebate today and is planning on moving out in the next few weeks, which I am probably just going to let happen as I know deep down its for the best. Just feel sad/guilty for our son who is now going to be bought up by just me, but I know its better than being bought up in a unhappy house so I have to look on the bright side.