How to help my girlfriend manage money

C_Mababejive

It isnt your job to force help on someone. They need to take responsibilty. If it unduly stresses you then move on and find someone else.

BitterAndTwisted

I agree with oldernotwiser although I wouldn't have been quite so brutally frank about it.

Being in a long-term committed relationship, where you live together and share finances is very, very different to dating. You have your opinion about where and what she spends her own money on and there's desperately wanting to take control for their own good. You can counsel and advise but you can't make someone do anything about it if they' don't want to.

Put the information in front of her, give her your advice then stand back and let go.

Oldernotwiser

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I agree with oldernotwiser although I wouldn't have been quite so brutally frank about it.

Being in a long-term committed relationship, where you live together and share finances is very, very different to dating. You have your opinion about where and what she spends her own money on and there's desperately wanting to take control for their own good. You can counsel and advise but you can't make someone do anything about it if they' don't want to.

Put the information in front of her, give her your advice then stand back and let go.

You know me; "brutally frank" are my middle names!;)

DVardysShadow

Kavafy wrote: »

I don't know really, but since that's not what I am [edit: casual boyfriend] and that's not what I asked, I have to give you top marks for creative interpretation! Or should that be condescension?

I think ONW's brutally frank advice can be applied even if you are much more than a casual boyfriend.

Something which needs to feature in your thinking is an acceptance of her as she is. If you are determined that she must change her financial ways, that is about on a par with being determined that she must have a nose job. It is a controlling attitude.

People can and do change. It is easier and more long lasting if they manage to do it on their own. So if she changes with you off her case that will be by far the best outcome. And if you cannot accept her with her current financial blind spots, it will be best, for her certainly, for you to drop her.

Even though I would totally agree with your analysis of her financial situation.

daska

Valid point about the similarity to demanding a nose job and in a lot of circumstances I think I'd say the same but I'm not sure I would be quite so harsh in this instance. She's obviously not overly private about her financial affairs and, if the OP is correct in his evaluation, "in her mind it's become a massive complicated issue that she doesn't want to face". The longer things go on the more overwhelming things become and the more difficult it is to face up to what needs to be done and it goes from bad to worse - most of us have experience of that, it's not so different to having a massive argument with your best friend and not knowing how to break the ice afterwards. Sometimes a little (emphasis on little) nudge can set the tracks straight. I see no problem with helping her sort out what she says she wants to do BUT what she does after that will demonstrate whether she wants to keep things under control or whether the situation is hopeless.

p.s. my first husband was financially illiterate when I met him, I had to work out 2 years of monthly calculations on the barclaycard for him to understand how long it would take to pay off, the relationship failed but he's now a financial director ROFLMAO

Oldernotwiser

Kavafy wrote: »

I don't know really, but since that's not what I am and that's not what I asked, I have to give you top marks for creative interpretation! Or should that be condescension?

I'm sorry if I've annoyed you but when someone says they're "seeing" someone, that implies a dating relationship rather than living together or a commitment.

Even if your relationship is more serious, you still have no right to impose your views (however sensible) on the other person, any more than she has a right to impose her life style on you.

caeler

I think this is one of those things you can't tell people. It's a bit like if my parents had told me not to do something when I was younger.........! Vital in tackling debts/moneymanagement is having your own light bulb moment and having learnt the hardway finding willpower to sort things out. I admire you wanting to help your girlf but there will only be so much you can do. I think as another poster suggested, being a good role model and showing how 'easy' it can be. Good luck.

LisaB85

I've learnt the hard way that trying to help people like that gets thrown back in your face.

I know you probably care but you will only end up stressed and frustrated so in my opinion let her sort it herself.

property.advert

I'd give them a few pointers and a limited amount of time to sort themselves out or I'd walk away. I've been down the road of having a financial albatross around my neck and it never gets any lighter, only heavier. Better to get out while you still have your sanity.

Johnny_Barnes10

Agree with ^^^^^, somewhere down the line you'll be sucked into these problems or it'll cause you both to split. Been there myself and got out before the sh*t hit the fan as I could see what was coming.