Shame of being in debt + Peer pressure to socialise??

FreshPrincess

Hi guys. I want to know if anyone's been in the same position as I am currently. No, I don't have £20k of real debt, but I am £2k in the red (not including student loan of £15k), and currently unemployed with a car to run, so this figure will get worse before it gets better. It's only an insignificant tale below, but is the thing that's currently upsetting me.

My OH's 'best friend' (he doesn't have that many since he shed his old life) invited both of us to a curry along with his fiancee, and two other couples. 8 of us. The men all did a sponsored bike ride together in October, and my OH really wants to keep the friendship going with the two other guys he met doing it, plus keep his best mate happy as since my OH finished uni and got a job in Liverpool, he's far away from Derby where they met. So, onus is on me to turn up and socialise and be merry with these people (who I do like, but I would of course prefer to spend time with my own ex-uni friends who live far away), for the sake of my OH who desperately needs to keep contact with his friends (a cause to which I usually oblige no questions asked)

And this is all happy days cos we're just going out for a curry. And I'm looking forward to it, cos I've never had a curryhouse curry. Only last night, I ask my OH what restaurant we're going to. He texts his mate, who replies with the name of a restaurant which I Google to find it's a Japanese restaurant who are charging for a Xmas menu to the tune of £39 pp + service charge pp of 10%!!! So basically if I have a couple of drinks it's going to cost me nearly £60. My jaw dropped. My eyes welled up, but I carried on watching X-Factor. But while discussing it I burst into uncontrollable floods of tears at the fact that I just can't justify spending £60 on a MEAL. That's before the other beers we were meant to be having elsewhere. I'd already turned down a good friend's offer of NYE in London cos I couldn't afford it, and yet I was supposedly going to have to shell out for a meal I didn't even want, the WEEKEND before XMAS. I blamed my OH for not checking what his mate was booking, and got an earful back.

Of course there are 4 solutions - I pay it and suffer the consequences. Or, my OH "treats me", and through cause-and-effect, I get £60 less Xmas presents, meaning not a lot then. Or, I ask to change the restaurant and feel completely embarassed in front of these people I hardly know. Or, I say I'm not going. I chose the latter, as I was pushed to make a decision as OH was going to ring to sort it out. After the phone call, his mate had supposedly said 'not to worry', and 'don't be silly', he'll change the restaurant. But I knew he'd already paid the deposit, so it was going to be a faff trying to cancel. And to me, there was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel ok about the situation, I just cried all evening. The thought that people were looking forward to a nice Japanese meal at a swanky place and now they're just "going for a curry", because of me. It doesn't help that they're all aged 28 - 41 and I'm the baby of the group at 25, and the only skint one.

I can deal with my own debt, and I have measures in place to make money (eBay selling) in the meantime, and control my spending, but when something I don't really want to do is ruining my budget, I just felt back at square one, and no longer in control. I am ashamed of being in debt, and even moreso ashamed that I am out of work. I have been avoiding talking to most people, even family & friends lately so that I don't have to answer the Q of "So how're you getting on? Got a job yet? You any closer to getting a media job?" AAAAAARRRRGH or inviting me out to places I can't afford.

Yes the group should understand my predicament and get over it, and yes the friend should have informed my OH what restaurant he was going to book. But clearly he assumed that everybody is on the same budget and doing well in life, and wouldn't mind paying that amount. They are by no means posh, but they are in their 30's with well paid jobs. This wouldn't be an issue with my own friends, as I will just tell the truth that I can't afford it, and cos they're my friends they would accommodate me just so I could come.

It doesn't stop me feeling ashamed. I am dreading going now, in case the restaurant my OH has since picked is terrible, and we all have a bad night. Am I being silly for acting this way? Someone tell me, please. Sorry for going on. :A

Tixy

Oh you poor thing. I really do sympathise, its certainly not an easy decision and I don't think there would have been any easy answer in the situation you were in.

But my guess is that these people have at some point themselves been skint and do probably remember what its like (or can at least recall once something like this happens).
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I do think its good that you won't end up spending £60 you can't afford though.

Did OH actually ask to change the restaurant or did he just tell friend you were not going to come because you were strapped for cash? If it was the latter then it was his mate's decision to make he change and I would go along and try not to feel guilty or embarrassed about the situation. And do try to enjoy the night out now you are going.

katsu

So is the decision now totally fixed? If so, make the best of it and if the change gets mentioned just say how you are appreciative of their understanding you are a student/only just finished uni.

If not, and if it is just occasional, could you compromise on the drinks, to keep the costs down? Alternatively, if your OH can afford it, then let him top up what you were willing to spend on the curry house.

Sounds like it is really the lack of work that is worrying you - just keep applying for jobs etc and get in touch with old friends and family, but say "when I have job news I will tell you, on this phone call/tonight/today/whatever I want to hear about how you are/catchup on old friends/just hang our and enjoy your company, OK?". Don't let feeling anxious about it stop you spending time with people.

caeler

Well done for standing up for yourself. So very easily not to and that is how debt starts. I absolutely respect anybody who says, things are tight and I can't afford that but we'll join you for a drink afterwards (a few of my friends did that the other week). I've been there and decling invites to meals out with friends and NYE events is incredibly hard. Thanks to the support of this website and it's users I managed to sort myself out but it took the kind of willpower you've displayed (but are being made to feel awful for) but even now, I think my eyes would fall out of my head for a set menu at £39+SC!! I conditioned myself to question, challenge and above all be frugal an it has stuck! Stay strong.

Stewart_78

Any group of true friends will enjoy an evening in the worst places. That's what it's all about. If the venue and the price is important to people then you don't want them as your mates. Have a bit of free wisdom. Good on you for doing what you did. If they throw a fit, then frankly......forget them.

Superbiatch

Is the new restaurant in Liverpool? If so, I can try and help out seen as I live there to put your mind at rest

FreshPrincess

Thanks for the support guys. I was hoping I wasn't going to get told to 'get over it'! Stewart_78... I know what you're saying, but the issue is they're not "my" friends, they're my fella's friends. And he doesn't have many close ones, so our attendance in this "couple's night out" is imperative for his emotional well-being (at the expense of my pocket). If they were my own friends, yes I would question their integrity if they were snooty about it. Luckily I have great friends so this wouldn't happen. Superbiatch, the new restaurant is in Derby where the rest of the group live (so we're going out of our way to get there anyway, never mind paying over the odds to eat, luckily we're stopping overnight for free though in the spare room). Feel free to PM me any tips for Liverpool restaurants though, as he's lived there a year and we've only sampled the safe options = Pizza Express, Nando's and every chinese buffet! When I'm working we would like to reimplement "date night" so any suggestions welcome. He lives in the City Centre. Thanks! :-)

LondonGirl252

I completely sympathise with you, well done for getting it sorted, try to go and enjoy the night now and do as Katsu suggested and thank them for being understanding. That is an awful lot to pay for a meal when you're not working and paying off debts, even by London standards that number made me cringe.

I lost a "really good" group of friends over a year ago as I was the baby of the group who was skint. I put "really good" in quotation marks as I now know they weren't. I was left feeling the worse ever after I had to say I couldn't afford a hen do (£300) and explained I was in a bad money situation at the time. The weeks following that, if they saw on facebook that I'd been out Id get a nasty text questioning it - they didnt stop to think my boyfriend at the time was paying for it.

Anyway, what I mean by that is that good friends will stick by you and alter plans for you OR accept when you have to miss things, its what friendship is and although they're your OH's friends it should stand the same because you come together.

I hope you manage to enjoy the night and that your situation brightens soon

LondonGirl252

FreshPrincess wrote: »

Thanks for the support guys. I was hoping I wasn't going to get told to 'get over it'! Stewart_78... I know what you're saying, but the issue is they're not "my" friends, they're my fella's friends. And he doesn't have many close ones, so our attendance in this "couple's night out" is imperative for his emotional well-being (at the expense of my pocket). If they were my own friends, yes I would question their integrity if they were snooty about it. Luckily I have great friends so this wouldn't happen. Superbiatch, the new restaurant is in Derby where the rest of the group live (so we're going out of our way to get there anyway, never mind paying over the odds to eat, luckily we're stopping overnight for free though in the spare room). Feel free to PM me any tips for Liverpool restaurants though, as he's lived there a year and we've only sampled the safe options = Pizza Express, Nando's and every chinese buffet! When I'm working we would like to reimplement "date night" so any suggestions welcome. He lives in the City Centre. Thanks! :-)

Then he really should pay for you, if it's all for him??? Or at least help you out?!

I'm from Derby originally and you shouldn't pay too much for a curry there

FreshPrincess

Hi Londongirl ... he will probably cover me for most of it yes, and just expect me to buy him a couple of beers or something. I think that was his original plan, before we found out it wasn't going to be something manageable like £40-£50 between us.... but £120! He himself is trying to cut back as he was a mature student and only just got a "good" job; no savings before now and future ideas of grandeur. So my successful frugal influence on him does now also equate to him being tight when it comes to treating me. Which is fine, cos I balk at money being spent! (I view it as "our" money as one day we'd get married... if he was just a bit of fun I wouldn't mind him bleeding himself dry!!) I think I'm finally turning into my brother, who is the biggest penny pincher ever known!!

CANZON

Liverpool restaurants - I forget the name of it, but about 3/4 way up Bold Street, on the right, there's a curry house that's solid and not too pricey. Possibly called Passage To India. White decor outside.

For non-curry but good and cheap, try Gourmet Burger or Wagamama at the top of Liverpool1. Though that may seem a bit casual for your group.

Avoid the places on Renshaw St - haven't dined in all of them, but I've never liked any of the several I have dined in.

HOST on Hope Street is great and again not too pricey. Also not a curry house though. They also do offers from time to time. Same goes for Bistro Jaqcues on Hanover Street - will cost you about £20-30 for wine and two courses. Both these places used to do special offers for theatre goers when the Everyman was open. That's being demolished and rebuilt though, so they may very well have fewer customers right now and be discounting for set meals as a result. Would definitely check them out.

Clove Hitch, also on Hope Street, does good food and again isn't pricey, but the service sucks - just takes an age to get served whenever I've eaten there. Shame, because the price and quality of food would make it more popular with me and my friends if they'd only sort the service times out.

Chinese restaurants - I'd avoid these. Can be extremely patchy - some are great, others are garbage. Sorry I don't remember names of specifics to offer guidance, so I'd just steer clear altogether, to play safe.

hope this helps.