What to do about my lodger?

Brallaqueen

HI peeps. I've had some really great advice from people before so I'm back again for more objective outlooks, just trying to sort my head out about my lodger and what to do next.

It's a long one, so please bear with me.

I rent a room in my litle two bed flat to a lodger, who has been in place for 9 months with, up to now, minimal issues. I'm a generally miserable cynical 28 year old, she is now 25.

Basically she and her BF have a real 'can't live with you, can't live without you' relationship. They both have mental health issues to varying extents and periodically make up/ break up via text which is followed by her getting quietly rat !!!!!d in her bedroom. It hasn't affected me much more than lugging extra glass to the recycling centre.

However, last night things really came to a head. I came home from work (18.00) to find the BF sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying because she said it was all over. He was worried that her MH issues were escalating and was struggling to cope with the pressure on top of his own issues. I took his number and promised I would keep an eye on her.

In the flat, she was drunk and garbled but fairly ok, upset about the end of the relationship etc. I told her I had seen the BF and had taken his number. She went into her room about 10 mins later and all was quiet.

At about 22.30, she came out very drunk and pretty crazy because he was not answering her phone calls or texts. She was screaming that she needs him to live and that she has to go see him and make him speak to her otherwise she will kill herself. She was flipping out saying the same things over again, begging me to ring him instead so she could talk to him, and being generally unresponsive to logic or reason before collapsing in hysterics when I refused to let her leave unless she was in a taxi.

(He lives about an hours walk away past a rough estate and empty fields)

I eventually rang her dad to speak to her which calmed her down a bit, but afterwards she just rang and rang and rang her BF, crying everytime the phone went to answer machine that this is killing her and she can't take it any more, if he leaves her she will hang herself. I eventually got her into bed and left samaritans numbers with her. I said I'd see her in the morning and she was all 'maybe, if I'm still here'

At the time, the whole event left me feeling angry and upset and quite frankly manipulated. I also feel a bit guilty about feeling like this becuase I know she has MH issues and I'm not the sanest person in the room at times either.

She was still there and alive this morning, a bit subdued but otherwise responsive.

She is an otherwise great lodger
-She pays on the dot and has not missed a payment in 9 months
-She is very clean and tidy, and does far more than her fair share
-She works shifts so is often out early and back late
-She works overnight about 8 times a month, and stays with her BF regularly
-We have some interests in common and get on well
-She even makes me coffee in the mornings when I get up.

So. I need to make a decision on what to do about the whole thing now. Do I let it slide as a one off? Do I take her to task for her behaviour? Am I getting myself involved in something that I really shouldn't? I need some outside perspectives here!

BugglyB

Oh that sounds difficult. You sound like a caring person that wants to do the best for her.

How communicative is she? Can you sit down with her and discuss what happened? 'I think we need to talk about last night because I'm concerned about you'?

princeofpounds

Do I take her to task for her behaviour?

Yes. Not for being upset, but for being so disruptive. You have to draw a line somewhere.

Am I getting myself involved in something that I really shouldn't?

I don't think you have done anything too wrong yet. There is a certain basic level of human care. But she is not your responsibility.

Plans_all_plans

While on the human and moral side of the issue, I would have done the self same things as you did last night, I would not be prepared to let the situation continue as it is and I would be asking her to leave.

Would you class her as a friend? If not, I'd be telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she has to leave ASAP. Maybe contact MIND or a similar organisation to see what they'd advise too.

While I feel for her and her issues, you need to safeguard yourself. I'd not be happy to feel like I have to take responsibility for my lodger's issues.

You didn't sign up for this.

BitterAndTwisted

How much more of the same are you prepared to tolerate?

In your position I would speak to her when she's stone cold sober and explain that when you took in a lodger you didn't sign up to deal with other people's drama. Give her a warning that any more of the same and you'll be thinking about giving her notice. Only you know whether the good points of having her live with you outweigh these episodes.

There are lots of people looking for somewhere nice to live, so it shouldn't be too hard to find someone else who's just as amenable to live with but with far fewer problems.

warehouse

When you look at the bigger picture it's one incident. A great lodger who had 1 bad night. Reading back again, all the positives far outweigh this one issue. Sit her down, talk to her and explain that you don't want to be put in that position again, then carry on with a very good lodger and friend. From reading other horror stories regarding lodgers, you are actually quite lucky to have this one.

CH27

I'd sit her down & tell that you are not prepared to put up with that again & if it happens again you will terminate her tenancy.
I'd get her Dad's phone number off her & if she kicks off again ring him & get him to collect her.

Brallaqueen

Thank you, everyone, you've given me food for thought. It is the first major incident, and breaking up is never a pleasant experience so I think I will let it go for now. She's been ill all day and so I've not had the chance to sit her down but I will do so when she's not likely to throw up in my lap.

Agaqin, thank you for your input XX

minimoneysaver

Bralla, you sound lovely and very tolerant of your roomies behaviour. As another poster said, it is time to sit her down and explain what is and what is most definitely not acceptable and let her know what the consequences are for breaching the agreement.
On the other hand, your roomie sounds like she is doing a pretty good job of staying out of your way and not causing you too much daily stress or irritation. Maybe under the circumstances I would let it slide but let her know what effect her behaviour had on you.