Don't know what to do!

sweetpea19_2

Hey everyone

First post asking for advice on here although I am a long time lurker. Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

Basically I feel like I am going insane. I am thinking of leaving my husband, we've been married for 10 years, together 15 and have two great kids. We are both in debt but are dealing with it, been to CAB to get things rolling and I am doing Christmas on a budget this year, have saved and am not buying anything I can't afford.

I have got to the point now that I resent him, he does nothing apart from go to his work, he feels this is enough as he works shifts! His days off are spent either in his bed or playing the computer. Now, I go out to work too, 5 days a week 8 hours a day, but I also have my 'other' job - being a mum. My day starts in the morning at about 7am getting the kids up, breakfast, ready for school, drop them off at school, go to my work, finish work, get home, make dinner, tidying, washing, homework, get kids ready for bed, get things sorted for the next day then finally by the time I've done that I'm ready to collapse in my bed then start again the next day! No help at all it's like being a single parent.

He has promised me time and time again that he will change and he hasn't, he has lied to me in the past and I am at the point where I can't beleive half the things he tells me. The thing is he is depressed and I try to tell him to do something, get a hobby, play with the kids (the doctor told him the same) but the most he will do is play the computer.

I have got to the stage now that I know I don't love him like I should and feel it would be best if we were to seperate. The thing is I don't know where to start. I can't afford to live in the house myself and I feel guilty about taking the kids away from their dad. I have tried to talk to my mum about it but she says that it is just a rocky stage and to just try and get on with it. But I am so tired all of the time and very unhappy, although I do try and put a smile on face for the kids sake.

Sorry if I'm rambling but I am just so confused, I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

Proc

Sounds like he's hooked on World of Warcraft?

balletshoes

I understand that your husband isn't helping you at all at home, he's either at work, in bed, or on his computer.

However, from a purely practical point of view, if you split up you're still going to be just as tired, you're still going to have Mum job and your own job. So how is splitting up going to help with that?

Gingernutty

The problem with depression is that although what's currently happening is no fun, change is virtually unthinkable to the sufferer - even though it might seem like commonsense to everyone around them.

It's easy to get stuck in a pattern of behaviour and stay there regardless of how self destructive/self defeating it is.

As a result, you're being Mum to 3 kids, not 2. You're sounding if not depressed, then very fed up.

Is he being treated for the depression? Is he on any waiting lists for psychotherapy? Have you considered marriage guidance/couples counselling?

Kay_Peel

So basically you've got three kids? The adult kid claims that he's 'depressed' and needs to be absolved from any involvement with running a home. He's alright as long as he can be left alone to play with his toys.

I'm afraid that you can't rely on him changing immediately - despite his false promises - but YOU can change your behaviour. It's going to be hard but you have to stop a lot of these tasks and just do the necessary.

As a side issue - I get really naffed off with people who say they have depression when they have no clue whatsoever what depression means. There is a spectrum of symptoms but when your loved one is barely able to function (can't eat, read, wash himself, talk, get out of bed to pee, wants to end his life etc etc.) then you know what depression really means. It isn't apathy, laziness and 'can't be arxsed' - it's a serious mental illness that doesn't find solace in computer games.

sweetpea19_2

Thanks guys

I know all about depression, I grew up watching my dad deal with it and it was really bad so I know what to look for and I know the difference between lazyness and depression.

Just to clear up that I love being a mum and the work that comes with it, my tiredness is actually down to the arguing and trying to put a smile on for the kids sake.

pinkshoes

I think it's time to issue him with an ultimatum, and give him a list of chores to do, and 1 month to pull his weight otherwise you're leaving. If he wants to save the marriage, he will.

TELL him that he needs to cook 3 meals a week, and be in charge of doing the clothes washing. If he doesn't do it, then just cook for you and the kids, and don't do ANYTHING for him.

ruralruth

Hi there
I have just read your situation and gasped out loud as its like looking into my own personal mirror.
Therefore I totally understand the predicament you are in and how difficult the choices are. I can tell that you are desperately weighing up whether to continue as you are or to struggle as a 'real' single mum.
The posters above who understand depression - as you do - recognise that ultimatums are useless on many occasions. Its totally unfair on those of us who have to bear the brunt of the illness & try to
maintain a 'normal' life for the children.
I love my husband but i am tired of this now. I like to think I can continue to be supportive of him but truth be told I have had my fill of it over the years. My DS is my joy and my focus and I will keep going for him as the alternative scenario is just too financially frightening.
I send my positive thoughts across to you for any decision that you take.

(my first ever post here so I apologise that I dont know how to make cool signatures & moving smileys.....)

X

January20

balletshoes wrote: »

However, from a purely practical point of view, if you split up you're still going to be just as tired, you're still going to have Mum job and your own job. So how is splitting up going to help with that?

Although this is true, from a psychological point of view, I can assure you, from my own experience, it will be easier for the OP to cope with all the chores, the tiredness, etc when she is on her own, and she will no longer feel resentful, and as someone else said is not looking after 3 children anymore.

Kay_Peel wrote: »

So basically you've got three kids? The adult kid claims that he's 'depressed' and needs to be absolved from any involvement with running a home. He's alright as long as he can be left alone to play with his toys.

I'm afraid that you can't rely on him changing immediately - despite his false promises - but YOU can change your behaviour. It's going to be hard but you have to stop a lot of these tasks and just do the necessary.

As a side issue - I get really naffed off with people who say they have depression when they have no clue whatsoever what depression means. There is a spectrum of symptoms but when your loved one is barely able to function (can't eat, read, wash himself, talk, get out of bed to pee, wants to end his life etc etc.) then you know what depression really means. It isn't apathy, laziness and 'can't be arxsed' - it's a serious mental illness that doesn't find solace in computer games.

Thank you for this comment. I often find that on here when a partner, particularly a male partner, doesn't pull their weight in a relationship, depression is used as the normal excuse. As someone who lost a relative to depression, I find it quite wrong.

sweetpea19_2

Thank you January20, as I said I don't think it's all the chores that is making me tired, it is the fact that he is happy to sit and watch as I do it and I wouldn't not do it because I do it for the kids.

jackyann

I agree about the ultimatum, but it should be that he agrees to seek help on his own or with you - whether it is depression, or a relationship breakdown, or just a way of coping. Tell him that over the holiday time you need to sit down (kids asleep or out with someone) and have a serious talk.
Something that you may find helpful is to make sure that you have "couple time" once a week - even if it just a nice meal together (no TV) after the kids are in bed - no interruptions. Or if your mum will baby-sit, just a drink at a pub, but together to make time for each other.
I have to say, your post reminded me of the old saw "when poverty walks in through the door, love flies out of the window"
I wish you luck