Moving out of uni halls

nikinak

She was a late applicant having planned to take a yr out and travel with a friend - (friend is actually resitting A2 so plans went pear shaped). She applied on the Tuesday, was accepted on the friday, I was told on the friday they had spaces in halls. She went to student offices monday signed for her key and was directed to where her flat was and that was it. She was literally given no info apart from if you loose the key you pay for a new one. All the info that could be accessed on the web was sparse, although maybe if the online registration was working the terms and conditions would have been on that section of the website. We did know how much it cost as the cost of the differnt accommoation were listed, however as they were listed as cost per week I know I presumed you paid as you went along and My daughter was not told anything differnt until the loan came through a couple of weeks ago and they contacted her about paying. I don't think she would have moved in at all if she knew she was going to be tied in. She would have commuted and then seen if she would prefer to move closer to the uni whether it be halls or in a house share.

princeofpounds

Totally want to second B&T's comments about this guy's behaviour. I'm afraid I'm no expert but his behaviour is full of all sorts of red flags and it requires tackling formally so that if she needs to do anything like get an injunction later on she can.

And goes without saying she should NEVER be alone with him ever. All that stuff about 'you need to come to my place' gives even me the creeps, and I'm a big bloke who can look after himself!

hazyjo

nikinak wrote: »

She has spoken to a tutor, who has told her she'll keep an eye on this bloke, and that she shouldn't be forced into socialising with him. She doesn't really know who else to tell and I think she's VERY nervous of being accused of being racist. It was just unfortunate really as she was put with him for a group project in her first week of lectures and he just wont back off. He initially after she first told him to back off (this was a conversation on facebook) said sorry but then followed it up by saying you need to come to my house now (it was about 11pm) which of course she said no to. Then about a week later he moves in to her block. Everyone has noticed him staring at her and people keep telling her he was asking after her or that he's waiting for her downstairs or outside the flat door or something. It is tricky as he's not actually done anything wrong. I mean what do you complain about? It all seems a bit lame when you break it down to 'he stares, waits for me and keeps asking where I am all the time'. Still intimidating for a young lady though. I do wonder if it is that situation though, thats made her want to move back home, because I nearly fell of my chair when she said she wanted to come home. She has never been homesick in her life and she's been going away with the youth parliament and french exchanges since she was about 12 and utterly loved it. I know thats differnt but I just really didn't see this coming from her. My other two kids yes, I can imagine that either of them may, but not that one.

I'm guessing she feels far worse about it than she's letting on. I barely told my mum anything - and I was in my 30s living in my own house at that time! I didn't want her to worry. He'd previously lived with me. It scared the bejesus out of me. I had a friend stay with me for a couple of nights when I got the 'poem', and feared for my life that he was going to drop something alight through the letterbox (had mentioned something along the lines of me burning when the clock struck 12 or something. He also sent sick emails about me to my work, etc. Some people just can't handle rejection and she needs to sort this now.

It's obviously not at that stage, but, at the moment, it's obviously making her feel hugely uncomfortable and she can't express just how uncomfortable. Most of it she probably can't explain or doesn't feel justified in feeling uneasy - but, IMO, the extra bits you've said, and about him moving into where she's staying, she's right in trusting her sixth sense.

Yes, she can tell him not to speak with her again. There are no grounds for racism so she needs to put that out of her mind. You hear all sorts of horror stories about what people do when they're obsessed with others - don't let it get any further.

Jx

nikinak

Ok, I will speak to her and get her to address this properly. Hazyjo, I've spoken to her boyfriend today and he's told me she's been really unhappy. She only told us last weekend how unhappy she was, because he told her, if she didn't tell us then he would. What do you think she should do regarding moving back home? I don't want her to miss out on a uni experience as my husband and I had such good ones we wanted same for her, but if she's not feeling safe it changes things a bit. Things are starting to fall in to place now, shes mentioned a few times about her room not having a lock on the inside and that she doesn't like that. The keys are cards like you have in hotels, so although you cant get into the room without one, you cant check your doors locked and nobody can get in once you're in your room. She'd been getting one of her flat mates to check her door was locked once she went in. She also started talking the other week about there being a good course in liverpool and sunderland and was wondering about transfering.

BitterAndTwisted

I suspect that she's a lot more frightened about this situation than you may imagine. From the sounds of it she has very good reason, too. She MUST go and see someone at the Uni's student welfare section first thing on Monday morning. Is there anything on the Uni's website about their social care? This creep needs to understand that she's not to be messed and soon. I wonder if some kind of battery-operated alarm in her room might make her feel more secure in there.

hazyjo

Exactly, so she didn't want to say either. It's the worst feeling because you don't want to admit to anyone, especially those you love who'll be worrying about you, just how upset and uncomfortable you feel. It's awful to have those prickles every time you do anything or go anywhere. Could she sleep on a sofa or something in another block? Any friend at all who can put her up? If people are told about it, they'll want to help. She must let everyone else know.

As above, get the uni to help. Not just a 'oh, ignore him' - take it further. Say it's more than just someone she doesn't want to be friends with. This needs to be addressed in front of someone in a position of authority. I was also going to say don't let her be alone with him at all - but I don't think it's practical when they're in the same block. She doesn't need to say anything - if she's told him once, let her carry an alarm or something. Sound it when he's harrassing her. He'll get the message so long as everyone knows when they hear it he's with her. I'm sure someone must want to move. IMO, it will get worse. He needs stopping now. A crush, infatuation, maybe. But this? Nope, that's more than that.

I've never told my mum! Not even now.

Good luck.

Jx

RAS

Hi

There will be an emergency weekend number for student services. She needs to speak to her main uniiversity security people who will put her through to them if she explains what is going on.

She needs to ask very firmly to be relocated and for them to ensure that the potential stalker is not allowed to follow. Plainly if he has moved into her block, they are able to move students around.

On a practical note, there are some very good security alarms designed for back packers that ensure that hostel doors are secure. Some are wedge shaped, others are like this http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/features/the-ten-best-travel-gadgets-1683856.html?action=Gallery&ino=6

suki1001

Rather than contacting uni, or as well as, there would be no reason why she (and you) couldn't go to the police and explain the situation, she doesn't have to report it as a crime, she can simply ask their advice. The chances are they will have someone who is specialised in dealing with this and give preventative tips on how to nip it in the bud before it has the potential to become more serious. The racism thing is just him being manipulative and this has nothing to do with racism. He will use any reason he can think of and if it wasn't racism it would be something else. She has no need to find reasons to prove she isn't racist, it doesn't matter what background he comes from behaviour like that is no excuse. This is clearly unwanted attention and you shouldn't wait until something more serious has happened.

Annisele

Even if your daughter had the most racist views possible, that still wouldn't give anybody the right to harass her. And I think the harassment is the real issue here; the contract with the halls is a side issue.

I'm not an expert, but I'd guess that moving home would be a bad idea. In halls, if you scream somebody will hear you - and you can make others aware of the situation so they'll look out for you. On a station platform, or in the car park, or wherever she else she ends up, it might be more difficult to avoid being alone with him.

I think that you or your daughter might find it useful to read a book like The Gift of Fear. All it really says is "trust your instincts", but it may help her to understand why the guy's actions make her so uncomfortable.

Nadia123

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Too expensive? Were the costs kept secret when she signed up? I doubt it. It's more likely that this student isn't used to having to budget. I have little sympathy for young peeps being "home-sick". Uni is the big, bad world of adults and some just aren't prepared for it. Trying to find a way to live by their decisions should be the start of cutting the apron-strings.

Unhelpful and unnecessary comment! It never fails to amaze me how posters like you make such comments when you don't know people and their situations. Are you so abrupt and judgemental in real life?

Judging by your next two posts, you realise how out of order you were...