Mum won't wash

margaretclare

I am afraid that this is part of the illness. I've heard and seen this so many, many times. My late MIL had been a very smart, elegant lady in her prime but became absolutely filthy in her habits as this disease took hold of her brain. Learning something new becomes impossible. You can't really look at it as you would e.g. teaching a toddler new things. Taking her to the swimming-pool is a really bad idea for many reasons.

Incidentally, it's no explanation to say 'they didn't use to wash as much' because less facilities. When I was a child every drop of water had to be heated in a pan on the fire and, for washing, we used rain-water from a barrel outside. That doesn't mean we wanted to carry on doing those things and my mum loved her bath when she got one installed. I love my daily shower, couldn't exist without it. I've even suffered when in hospital when they thought it was OK to 'manage with a bowl'. No thank you, I need a shower, and I made a fuss until I got one.

I don't want to go back to what we did years ago, and if I ever develop dementia (which please God not!!!) it will not be because of what we did when I was a child.

Lily1

Thank you for all your suggestions some a little more radical than others! Mum has never been in a swimming pool in her life so will not go now I'm sure. She would also not allow any of her children to wash her as she is convinced she is a lot younger than she is. Not sure how things will progress, the illness is so distressing for everyone concerned, she has been slowly declining now for at least 12 years. Thanks once again.

carlpayne

A caring person can solve he problem. She an be convinced with kind words.

Caroline73_2

carlpayne wrote: »

A caring person can solve he problem. She an be convinced with kind words.

If only it were that simple.

Lily1

Just what I was thinking. Perhaps the caring person in hospital that gave my mum a cup of tea only to have it thrown over her didn't use "kind words".

Armchair23

Lies,illusion and trickery.

Is there anything at all that you can think of that still 'works' for her ?

If she was someone who always had her hair done it might be possible to use that as a lever. My MIL would do virtually anything for a 'hairdresser'. So we managed to get a few personal hygeine issues dealt with under 'having her hair done'.

Maybe she used to play tennis and would use the showers in the changing room.
I know it sound useless, but the things from the past have a very strong hold that the present just doesn't.

You really do have my sympathy, been there and done it and it's very tough.
Sorry I don't have an answer to your woes.

jenniewb

It sounds a bit harsh but have you thought about getting social services involved? If she is at risk to herself as in not cleaning and so catching infections or even developing bed sores, they have a duty of care and could get some sort of home care who may have more experience in this area. The last thing you want is for her to become ill and hospital bound with questions over your head on things like neglect. There should be someone who can help if things get too bad and there should also be support for carers out there too, both virtual and real life.

Mojisola

Lily1 wrote: »

Wondered if anyone has experience of this. My mum who is nearly 85 with dementia will not wash. My step father who does everything else for her has had a lady visit yesterday who will come in twice a week to wash my mum. Apparently my mum all but through her out of the house, mum is quite aggressive and very strong willed, despite not knowing me and her surroundings most of the time!
I think my step dad is close to breaking point but will not consider putting her into a care home just yet. Anyone had similar problems?
No-one can reason with her at all.

It will be very difficult for him but you may need to encourage your step-father to think about respite or even residential care for your mother. Caring for someone with dementia 24/7, especially as they deteriorate, is very hard on the carer.

Darlyd

I just wanted to give you my opinion from a carer's point of view.

I have seen many clients with dimentia, domineering, angry, confused etc who will not wash, they sometimes will even be aggressive to the point many carers will not go there.

I go to one client now, who at first just refused blank to wash, she was quite aggressive speaking, I got around it by still going to see her twice a day, made her breakfast even if she would not eat it, tea etc, (she had meals on wheels for lunch), Would just do everything that was on the care plan, weather she liked it or not, I was very firm with her, I would say to her every morning about having a wash, but no no, as she got to know me, Still would not happen, now this is the bit some people may not agree with BUT it has to be done, Carer has to be firm, and just go and run her a bath, tell her bath is ready, do this every time, leave her to it, keep doing this, and be domineering back, most domineering woman are like that because they were dominated when they were younger, so if someone is domineering back to them, it may come as a shock but they might even listen, It worked for me. A good carer will not give up.

Lily1

Thanks darlyd, your response is very interesting. I do think she might respond better to the no nonsense approach as the only people she seems to take notice of are hospital doctors. I think that goes back to when she spent a long time in hospital when she was younger. The only problem would be that my step father is tight to say the least and if the washing was not happening I'm sure he would not pay for it! Another difficulty is that they had their bath removed several years ago and only have a shower. My sister informs me that the pressure is dreadful and you would get a better flow out of a watering can.
I have suggested respite care many times as my step father has a few health issues himself and has had many spells in hospital. We have all agreed that the next overnight stay he has to have in hospital she will have to go into care as it is impossible to care for her when he is away. I will talk to him when I can about having a carer come in even if it is just to get mum familiar with her, although she does not recognise me sometimes so not sure how that will work.