Mum won't wash

Lily1

Wondered if anyone has experience of this. My mum who is nearly 85 with dementia will not wash. My step father who does everything else for her has had a lady visit yesterday who will come in twice a week to wash my mum. Apparently my mum all but through her out of the house, mum is quite aggressive and very strong willed, despite not knowing me and her surroundings most of the time!
I think my step dad is close to breaking point but will not consider putting her into a care home just yet. Anyone had similar problems?
No-one can reason with her at all.

onetomany

u could try getting a carer in the mornings to try and help with personal care?

tanith

Its a problem lots of carers have with Dementia patients , its alien to most of us to have someone we don't know perform such acts for us and just because she has Dementia doesn't mean she has lost her sense of privacy. Its not an easy thing to deal with will she not let your step-father wash her? Maybe the time has come that he has to come to terms with the fact its too much for him and consider a care home for her.. not an easy thing I know..

Lily1

It is a carer who came to see them yesterday. Unfortunately, my mum is so badly affected now that she disputes everything. I do not think my step father would wash her even if she would allow it. She was a very domineering wife and her character traits have only got worse since her dementia has set in. I cannot see how this can be resolved but thought I would see if there were any answers out there. A very sad situation all round.

maidincornwall

My mother was the same, she hated washes and bathes in fact went for many years without having one by telling people that someone else was helping her! eg she told me her cleaner was helping her bath, her cleaner that I was helping her bath, and various other lies! She came to live with me for 3 years and still hated being bathed or showered in fact I remember her at one point holding onto the door frame in the sitting room and having to be prised off it! In the end with her carers we decided that actually it wasnt worth making a fuss over, I used to insist she had one bath or shower a fortnight, yes i know to us that seems revolting, but her quality of life was such that it just wasnt worth the ordeal of attempting any more often, I also found one lady who she would grudgingly let wash or bathe her and organised so that she would come in once a week, for a wash one week and a shower the next. Do not worry to much remember when your mum was young people didnt bathe ever day, they just didnt have the facilities. Also I found mum was very sensitive to the cold when wet so we always made sure the bathroom heater was on so she could be kept nice and warm, with warm towels too.

Is there any way you could get round this in a way that is acceptable to her? for instance getting her to 'wash' underarms etc herself using a babywipe or similar? Even using a bowl and flannel for a discreet bed wash type wash? Ensuring she uses deoderant and has regular changes of clothing so that she dosent get smelly should help a little. And remember the more she thinks you want he to do it the more she will rebel against it in all probability!

I also found that lovely smelly soaps etc and a little bit of bribery often worked well with mum, advanced dementia is a difficult thing to deal with and you often have to resort to some crafty things to get what you want!

Lily1

I know what you mean about the older generation not worrying so much about washing as we do now. It was a crime in our house when we were young to want the hot water on! It is more of a problem now as she is incontinent some days and of course refuses to wear any pads. I appreciate your tips but know that any suggestion will be met with indignation and a refusal.

dianasnan

Try to do a little bit of her at a time, at least that way you might manage all the essential bits once a fortnight.

Would she get into the bath or shower wearing a swimming costume (her generation didn't show their bodies as much as we do now) or even get her to get in with you in the shower if it is big enough.

If your Mum is attached to her clothes always buy 2 items the same then you can whip one away when she is asleep.

There are some really good chair pads available which can hold a lot of liquid and are machine washable.

Try the Talking Point forum on the Alzheimers society website as I am sure that you would get even more ideas from the lovely people on there.

prosaver

take her to the swimming pool and before she goes in squirt her with some shower gell..
that'll teacher her

jenniewb

prosaver wrote: »

take her to the swimming pool and before she goes in squirt her with some shower gell..
that'll teacher her

That isn't really an idea I'd advise, aside from many pools not allowing soaps and shower gels to be used in the water, the chlorinated water left on her skin afterwards would also need to be washed off and perhaps with more vigor then say normal dirt.

The idea of that "teaching" her is not something which would work. Someone with dementia or altziemers is, to put it into an understandable term, losing their mind: their mind is basicly being reduced and reduced. Asking them to retain information and learn from it, just not so easy and in many cases, not possible, with their mind reducing rather then growing its likely they will not retain the information.

And thats before you even consider the actions your taking and weather or not they are a bit cruel.

jackieb

Would she maybe use a bowl in the toilet and try to do it herself? We got my grandma one when she was in her 80s as she got scared of sitting on her bath chair and wouldn't let anyone help her, out of embarrassment. You get bowls specifically for this. Someone could fill it with the correct temperature water and then leave her to it.

Like this one. You might get one cheaper though.

http://www.boots.com/en/Homecraft-Standard-Portable-Bidet_981226/?CAWELAID=355954097&cm_mmc=Shopping%20Engines-_-Google%20Base-_---_-Homecraft%20Standard%20Portable%20Bidet

jackieb

dianasnan wrote: »

Try to do a little bit of her at a time, at least that way you might manage all the essential bits once a fortnight.

Would she get into the bath or shower wearing a swimming costume (her generation didn't show their bodies as much as we do now) or even get her to get in with you in the shower if it is big enough.

If your Mum is attached to her clothes always buy 2 items the same then you can whip one away when she is asleep.

There are some really good chair pads available which can hold a lot of liquid and are machine washable.

Try the Talking Point forum on the Alzheimers society website as I am sure that you would get even more ideas from the lovely people on there.

Kylie pads are very good. You don't use fabric conditioner when you wash them though as it affects the absorbency.