Biting the bullet - GULP

tink28

Morning..... :hello:

OK so after a few sleepless nights (more sleepless than normal) and 2 days off work because I was feeling so down I couldn't be bothered to do anything - I spoke to a mutual family friend last night, told him the basics - being in debt, not being able to tell DH etc etc - he has offered to help me tell him this weekend.
He said I need to tell him now as DH has made an appointment to go to the bank next week re: mortgage renewal so he will find out then. :eek:

Not really sure how I feel about it - am worried but am also feeling a bit of relief I guess (altho he doesnt actually know yet) but its a step in the right direction I suppose.... just wish it was after Xmas but hey ho! Been struggling on my own for so long I guess it can only go one of 2 ways.... he helps or doesnt!

Also just got my credit file - have 6 defaults on there _pale_

Friend said not to worry - he can totally understand why I have been trying to deal with it alone, but I have to stop before it makes me ill (I'm kinda at that stage already tho - counselling etc). He also said he isn't suprised that I'm in debt - he was shocked when he found out from DH that I pay half of everything even though I'm on a lower wage....


Has anyone else been in the situation where they haven't been able to talk to the OH?? Have you done it now? How was it etc etc?

xx

tallyhoh

I have always been on the other side, my other half was always (& still is) in serious debt & hides it from me. Trust me that it is better to tell before they find out, secrecy is much worse than debt.

You also need to re-arrange your finances if you are on a lower wage but I think you have already realised this.

joedenise

Your friend is right, you need to tell your OH. He'll probably be shocked that you have been trying to deal with this on your own and probably disappointed that you didn't feel you could talk to him about it. He's quite likely to be angry at first but once he knows hopefully he'll feel able to help you sort it out.

This isn't something I've ever had to deal with as our finances have always been joint. I'm not saying we've never been in debt because we have - for very many years. We finally sorted out our finances a couple of years ago (after being in debt all our married life - 40 years). We still use credit cards but they are always paid off each month.

I hope everything goes well for you when you tell your OH. Good luck.

Denise

dark^knight

Hi,

Good luck. I am sure you can both work it out together.

JustinCredibleGillespie

I have been on the receiving end. My OH (ex) hid all the red letters from me. I was working FT whilst they sat on their !!! and ran up alot of CC & store card debt. When I came across the forest of letters. I was very disappointed but I paid it all off, gave her a clean slate and she did it all again! I walked out 3 years ago and never looked back. She was a chain around my neck.

I hope your DH is understanding and you can work as a team to sort this out. I know from your post that you'd never put yourself or him in that situation again.

All the best

JCG

xx

tink28

I will NEVER EVER get anything on credit again - that much I know!! Regardless of whether DH helps or doesnt help - stays with me or leaves.... if I haven't got the cash to get it then I wont be getting it - simples! - if only I realised this a couple of years ago..... hmmmmmm

Thanks for your comments guys - it helps

RickfromHerts

Hi Tink

First of all, well done for taking the first steps to telling your husband; it's so important that you get to that crossroad sooner rather than later, he either supports you or he doesn't - unfortunately it's as simple as that. Either way you will no longer be hiding things, jumping when the phone rings or covering your tracks and I'm sure you'll feel a release of some of the stress you currently burden. Don't waste years of your life feeling like this, it's already been too long!

From my own experience, it's the only solution to your troubles. I was in a similar situation, not as much debt, however I was hiding it away etc…Sometimes people surprise you, my wife certainly did and couldn't have been more supportive once the initial shock went away. 3 years down the line and we are now in a much stronger financial position, mainly down to working together to tackle the issue and then working out moving forward how best to manage our finances.

Wish you all the best, remember you do have a future and tomorrow can be better than today!

JustinCredibleGillespie

Hindsight is always 20/20 Tink.

JCG

xx

sueh6

As other posters have said the only way forward is to tell him and he then has the choice to help get through this - together - or he can leave and you deal with it alone.

I was in a mountain of debt (60K +) when I had my lightbulb moment nearly 18 months ago. I earnt twice as much as my OH and felt I could cope but other circumstances sent me almost to breaking point. I convinced myself I was protecting him by not telling him the truth but in all honesty I was just kidding myself.

I eventually summoned up the courage to tell him after my daughter found me crying in the kitchen - after that I had no option. I cam home from work a couple of days later to find she'd cooked dinner and made DH and me a cup of tea and basically shut the door on the two of us. I had no choice but to be honest with him.

It was the best thing I ever did - the relief of not being secretive, quaking at the thought of the phone ringing, terrified of what the post may bring when I wasn't there.... it was overwhelming. He was angry, hurt, disappointed, resentful - in fact everything you would expect but we worked through it and now we work as a team and have cleared over 35% of our debt (yes, I keep track every month and fill in all the spreadsheets and snowball to keep us on track). The resentment still rears it's ugly head sometimes but essentially we're doing this together and what I've learnt is that I don't need to protect him - he's a grown man not a child - what he needs from me is honesty.

I hope things work out well for you but even if they don't at least you'll have peace of mind.

bugslet

There have been a few threads in the past about having to tell the husband about debt and I can't remember one where after the initial shock, it wasn't something that couldn't be sorted out. Better to let him know where you both stand sooner than later.

Do you think it might help if you prepare a budget and cut up cards beforehand so at least he knows that you are trying.

Good luck.

tink28

sueh6 wrote: »

As other posters have said the only way forward is to tell him and he then has the choice to help get through this - together - or he can leave and you deal with it alone.

I was in a mountain of debt (60K +) when I had my lightbulb moment nearly 18 months ago. I earnt twice as much as my OH and felt I could cope but other circumstances sent me almost to breaking point. I convinced myself I was protecting him by not telling him the truth but in all honesty I was just kidding myself.

I eventually summoned up the courage to tell him after my daughter found me crying in the kitchen - after that I had no option. I cam home from work a couple of days later to find she'd cooked dinner and made DH and me a cup of tea and basically shut the door on the two of us. I had no choice but to be honest with him.

It was the best thing I ever did - the relief of not being secretive, quaking at the thought of the phone ringing, terrified of what the post may bring when I wasn't there.... it was overwhelming. He was angry, hurt, disappointed, resentful - in fact everything you would expect but we worked through it and now we work as a team and have cleared over 35% of our debt (yes, I keep track every month and fill in all the spreadsheets and snowball to keep us on track). The resentment still rears it's ugly head sometimes but essentially we're doing this together and what I've learnt is that I don't need to protect him - he's a grown man not a child - what he needs from me is honesty.

I hope things work out well for you but even if they don't at least you'll have peace of mind.

Yeh I am quite relieved that its going to be off my chest etc - but also worried.
And yes I am sure I will never hear the end of it... but at least I wont be hiding stuff.... and yes also worrying about the phone ringing, the post coming and him getting home before me etc etc.... I might actually get my life back... well here's hoping anyway