E:? Win a year of beer

Squeekyclean

Santa asks a little girl, "What would you like me to leave under your Christmas tree this year"

Little girl replies "Barbie and Action Man"

Santa replies "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken"

Little girl replies "No she comes with action man, she only fakes it with Ken"

tinkerbell1978

two snowmen sitting in a field one says to the other can you smell carrotts?

vixarooni

Q. what nationality is mr sheen?




A. Polish!


its my fave joke ever ha

josie301

Not heard any good ones in a while so............

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was
already occupied.
So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat
down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not
too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say,
I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry mate, I'll have to
call you back. I've got some d1(khead in the loo next to me answering
everything I say."

Seakay

What do vegetarian cannibals eat?

Swedes!

SystemFan

Man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender asks "what's that?", Bloke says "arrgh, i dont know, but it's drivin' me nuts

mblakeys

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes
later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I
told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do
you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... )

>
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

jmf76

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

terminal2003

a man walks into a pub. The peanuts on the bar says to him "nice jacket". he goes to the toilet and the condom machine says to him "you're ugly".
The man mentions this to the landlord, he replied "the nuts are complimentary, the condom machine is out of order".

tinkerbell1978

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None - It should be opened by the time she brings it


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was' Always'

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.