Paternity doubts - advice needed please.

abijanzo

Hello,
Our situation is this: DH and I have been married for 5 years with 1 child and one on the way. DH was previously married and has a son 9 years old whom he has paid £250 pm to since they seperated when the child was 2. CSA have never been involved as always been amicable agreement.
DH has always seen his DS on school hols etc and treats him as his own but has always voiced doubts to me that he is the childs father as his ex was putting it about a bit apparently. There is absolutely no resemblance to my DH and the doubts just seems to grow in him every year.
I think it's a terrible situation for any dad to be in and he has often thought of paternity testing.

Here are our Questions
1.
From a financial point of view if DH found he wasnt the boys father would he still have to pay him maintenance? He is obviously down on the birth cert. as being the father as that's what he was led to believe at the time.
(BTW DS's mother is very well off and lives with another partner who they have a child with)

2.
If he didnt have to pay maintenance anymore would this mean he would have no rights to see his DS anymore?

3.
How do we go about testing anyway? I'm sure we'd need his ex's consent but we obviously wouldnt want DS to know what was going on until we were sure...and maybe not even till he was much older. DH would want to continue seeing DS regardless.

Hope this all makes sense?

Any advice much appreciated thanks.

Bossyboots

You would need a saliva sample on the swab provided from the child, mother and putative father. It seems pretty obvious that mum is not going to consent to a swab for herself and is unlikely to for the child. This also of course would mean that the child would be asking why it was done, even if it was possible to obtain. There also has to be a traceable chain of the swabs so you would need to find someone to take them that meets the criteria of the testing company. Our local health centre will do it and charge £40 per adult swab and wil do a child's free in the same appointment. Otherwise to do it separately is another £40. You would have to provide evidence of identity to the doctor of the people whose swabs are being taken which includes two passport size photographs.

Maintenance and contact should not be linked. I think however that most mothers would stop contact between their child and a man who it is proven is not their father but a court would not necessarily make an order in those terms. I also suspect that the mother may tell the child immediately if the tests are negative.

It may all work out okay though and the mother doesn't throw a strop and doesn't tell the child but human nature being what it is, she is very likely to get on her high horse and refuse to cooperate in the testing or react badly to the results. Only your husband can really judge the likely outcome of even suggesting paternity testing.

It is possible to test just the child and father but the results are much less reliable and the percentage likelihood either way less exact. Just testing the two could still leave a lot of room for doubt so having a swab from mother is quite important.

This site http://www.cellmark.co.uk/ should answer all your questions and appears to be happy to deal direct with the public.

Oldernotwiser

I don't know if I've misunderstood you but you seem to be saying that your husband wants to carry on having a relationship with his (?) son regardless of the paternity issue but doesn't want to pay maintenance if a blood test should show that he isn't the boy's natural father. If this is the case there's something contradictory here. Surely, if your husband wants to have an ongoing relationship with this boy then the financial support is a part of his role as a father; but if your husband stops acknowledging this child as his son, then why should he wish to carry on having a relationship with him.

Personally, I feel that relationships are about more than blood. This boy and your husband have been father and son for 9 years; does it really matter if he's not his birth father? Think how distressing this sort of action would be, not only to the nine year old but also to the child you have together, who would effectively be losing a brother.

Without meaning to be rude, are you pressing your husband on this to save the £250 per month? I'd leave the situation as it is; it seems to be working well and that's all that really matters.

abijanzo

Oldernotwiser wrote:

I don't know if I've misunderstood you but you seem to be saying that your husband wants to carry on having a relationship with his (?) son regardless of the paternity issue but doesn't want to pay maintenance if a blood test should show that he isn't the boy's natural father. If this is the case there's something contradictory here. Surely, if your husband wants to have an ongoing relationship with this boy then the financial support is a part of his role as a father; but if your husband stops acknowledging this child as his son, then why should he wish to carry on having a relationship with him.

Personally, I feel that relationships are about more than blood. This boy and your husband have been father and son for 9 years; does it really matter if he's not his birth father? Think how distressing this sort of action would be, not only to the nine year old but also to the child you have together, who would effectively be losing a brother.

Without meaning to be rude, are you pressing your husband on this to save the £250 per month? I'd leave the situation as it is; it seems to be working well and that's all that really matters.

Well firstly, things arent working well from my husbands POV as he is constantly tormented that his DS may not be biologically his.

secondly, I am NOT pressing my husband on this at all, I am supporting him in his enquiries into what to do....I don not want my DH to remain doubtful and then subsequently guily about having such doubts - the decision is his not mine.

Finally, My DH fully understands what it is to be a Father regardless of Biology as his own Stepfather is more of a dad to him then his biological Father ever was. If DH found he wasnt the boys biological Father then he would not financially want to 'support' him - why should he? His mother doesnt need the money thats for sure. Why should my DH pay what will be in excess of 30 grand over the next 10 years to a woman who has lied about one of the most precious relationships on earth? (if that proved to be the case).

I think your linking maintenance with money with trying to maintain a relationship with his DS is twisted.

P.S. thanks for making whats a very emotive subject and something very upsetting sound so sordid!

plane_boy2000

Oldernotwiser wrote:

I don't know if I've misunderstood you but you seem to be saying that your husband wants to carry on having a relationship with his (?) son regardless of the paternity issue but doesn't want to pay maintenance if a blood test should show that he isn't the boy's natural father. If this is the case there's something contradictory here. Surely, if your husband wants to have an ongoing relationship with this boy then the financial support is a part of his role as a father; but if your husband stops acknowledging this child as his son, then why should he wish to carry on having a relationship with him.

Personally, I feel that relationships are about more than blood. This boy and your husband have been father and son for 9 years; does it really matter if he's not his birth father? Think how distressing this sort of action would be, not only to the nine year old but also to the child you have together, who would effectively be losing a brother.

Without meaning to be rude, are you pressing your husband on this to save the £250 per month? I'd leave the situation as it is; it seems to be working well and that's all that really matters.

Someone who has obviously not been in this position could make a comment like that..................

Bossyboots

abijanzo wrote:

Well firstly, things arent working well from my husbands POV as he is constantly tormented that his DS may not be biologically his.

secondly, I am NOT pressing my husband on this at all, I am supporting him in his enquiries into what to do....I don not want my DH to remain doubtful and then subsequently guily about having such doubts - the decision is his not mine.

Finally, My DH fully understands what it is to be a Father regardless of Biology as his own Stepfather is more of a dad to him then his biological Father ever was. If DH found he wasnt the boys biological Father then he would not financially want to 'support' him - why should he? His mother doesnt need the money thats for sure. Why should my DH pay what will be in excess of 30 grand over the next 10 years to a woman who has lied about one of the most precious relationships on earth? (if that proved to be the case).

I think your linking maintenance with money with trying to maintain a relationship with his DS is twisted.

To be honest, the question could be asked why would he want to see a child that is not his if he doesn't want to support him. I do see where you are coming from but to be fair to olderbutnotwiser, you have linked contact and maintenance yourself. The idea of maintenance is not that your DH is paying money to this woman who has lied, but paying towards the upkeep of a child he calls his son. That is where the incongruity lies because he seems to want one without the other. Switching to putting the money into a savings account for the direct benefit of the boy seems to be a compromise on the two issues. It does sound like his reason for needing to know is financial but perhaps that is just the age old internet problem of the written word not conveying what is meant as you can't inject tone and expression into it in the same way as speaking to someone.

DNA testing is an emotive subject. I know someone on the opposite side of this issue. There was a lad he believed WAS his son from a woman with whom he had an affair. In that case, it would have had to have taken a freak of nature for the boy not to be his as he has no close male relatives that could have been the father and they are like two peas in a pod. In his case the mother has now admitted that the child is his even though her husband then left her because he had believed the child to be his. We can only assume that she knew the DNA test would be positive to the father and she would have then had to meet the costs.

It would be wise for your husband to seek some professional counselling before making a decision. If you looked at the site I linked to, you will see that you are talking nearly £500 for the test. He really needs to know what he would do if this child isn't his, think about how he will feel and whether it might affect their relationship. To be honest though I am not sure you can predetermine what you would do as it is likely to be a blow even if he thinks he is prepared for it. He does need to talk it through though with someone who has experience of this.

Oldernotwiser

abijanzo wrote:

Well firstly, things arent working well from my husbands POV as he is constantly tormented that his DS may not be biologically his.

secondly, I am NOT pressing my husband on this at all, I am supporting him in his enquiries into what to do....I don not want my DH to remain doubtful and then subsequently guily about having such doubts - the decision is his not mine.

Finally, My DH fully understands what it is to be a Father regardless of Biology as his own Stepfather is more of a dad to him then his biological Father ever was. If DH found he wasnt the boys biological Father then he would not financially want to 'support' him - why should he? His mother doesnt need the money thats for sure. Why should my DH pay what will be in excess of 30 grand over the next 10 years to a woman who has lied about one of the most precious relationships on earth? (if that proved to be the case).

I think your linking maintenance with money with trying to maintain a relationship with his DS is twisted.

P.S. thanks for making whats a very emotive subject and something very upsetting sound so sordid!

I'm sorry if I've annoyed/upset you; it wasn't my intent. I also think that you've misunderstood some of the things I've said. The most important thing seems to be that things are working well at the present and that several people are going to be very upset if your husband goes ahead with a paternity test, whatever the result.

Oldernotwiser

Bossyboots wrote:

To be honest, the question could be asked why would he want to see a child that is not his if he doesn't want to support him. I do see where you are coming from but to be fair to olderbutnotwiser, you have linked contact and maintenance yourself. The idea of maintenance is not that your DH is paying money to this woman who has lied, but paying towards the upkeep of a child he calls his son. That is where the incongruity lies because he seems to want one without the other. Switching to putting the money into a savings account for the direct benefit of the boy seems to be a compromise on the two issues. It does sound like his reason for needing to know is financial but perhaps that is just the age old internet problem of the written word not conveying what is meant as you can't inject tone and expression into it in the same way as speaking to someone.

DNA testing is an emotive subject. I know someone on the opposite side of this issue. There was a lad he believed WAS his son from a woman with whom he had an affair. In that case, it would have had to have taken a freak of nature for the boy not to be his as he has no close male relatives that could have been the father and they are like two peas in a pod. In his case the mother has now admitted that the child is his even though her husband then left her because he had believed the child to be his. We can only assume that she knew the DNA test would be positive to the father and she would have then had to meet the costs.

It would be wise for your husband to seek some professional counselling before making a decision. If you looked at the site I linked to, you will see that you are talking nearly £500 for the test. He really needs to know what he would do if this child isn't his, think about how he will feel and whether it might affect their relationship. To be honest though I am not sure you can predetermine what you would do as it is likely to be a blow even if he thinks he is prepared for it. He does need to talk it through though with someone who has experience of this.

Thank you BB, you've understood what I was trying to say and put it across much better than I did.

abijanzo

Bossyboots wrote:

To be honest, the question could be asked why would he want to see a child that is not his if he doesn't want to support him.

Switching to putting the money into a savings account for the direct benefit of the boy seems to be a compromise on the two issues.

He does need to talk it through though with someone who has experience of this.

He would want to see him because the boy has known him as his father for 9 years and because he loves him! He would still be supporting him in that way.

We would highly likely put money into a savings account for him and have in fact already discussed this.

We thought that a post on here was an anonymous way of getting some answers perhaps from someone with experience (hopefully).

Bossyboots

abijanzo wrote:

We thought that a post on here was an anonymous way of getting some answers perhaps from someone with experience (hopefully).

The problem is every situation is different and no-one else's experiences can match yours 100%. People are fickle and will react differently. I have seen fathers walk away from children they thought were theirs because of a negative DNA test. Some were heartbroken, some went with glee. One in particular was desolate and I don't think will ever forgive the mother for her deceit. Some mothers state clearly that they want the man out of the child's life as he is not the father, others proclaim that the man shouldn't walk away and that fatherhood is not just about biology. You just don't know how people will react. This is why I suggested he seeks a professional ear to bounce it off before making a decision. Your OH really is making a judgement call on how his ex will react and she may well be one of those who tells him to get lost. He needs to consider what he would want to do and how he would achieve that if it were to happen.

You have to think of how the child will feel when he finds out. He may be your husband's child but if he finds out later that the test was done that can be just as much of a blow as there being a negative result. The child, even once into adulthood, will question why he needed to know. It doesn't sound rational but as I said DNA testing is an emotive subject and people don't always think straight.

No-one can give you answers, just try to give suggestions and experiences to add to your mixing pot of considerations.

abijanzo

Has anyone any experience of this?

We would particularly like to know where we would stand legally/ with CSA etc as to whether a negative paternity result would mean exemption from payment or legal problems with access

If this sounds to anyone like a cold hearted financial question then please refrain from moral judgement - we are not looking to be judged on our relationship or motives towards DS. Perhaps only other fathers who have been in a similar situation would understand.

We can make our own minds up regarding the emotional/moral side please only answer in relation to practicalities and finance if you cant be non judgemental.

Thanks.