Sensitive issue

retailqueen

Hi, I havent posted before but I am a long time lurker. I wouldnt normally post about a relationship issue but I dont feel I can ask anyone personally for advice and after looking on here, you all appear to be genuine and lovely with some of the threads I have looked at.

I am in my mid 40's and I split from my ex husband many years ago, it was an abusive relationship which left my self esteem at rock bottom. I have been with my partner about 4 years and we have lived together for 3 of those.

My partner is lovely and I am very much in love with him and I am confident that he loves me, however there are some "issues" which are affecting me. Before he met me, he had been in a long term relationship and prior to that had been married for 12 years. Both of these women were very attractive, the latter one could be described as beautiful.

As I said our relationship is good, but I dont feel that he has any physical attraction towards me. I once asked if he found me attractive and he said the question was unfair. He will tell me I look nice (occasionally) but he has said that looks fade as you get older and "looks arent everything".

The other problem is when we make love he never touches me, there is no passion and the kisses are just "pecks" on the lips. I sometimes feel he only does it as its expected or he "needs" to. I have during the relationship learned that talking about these issues to him makes him defensive and sulky, so i cant go there.

I am so afraid of losing him as I really do love him, but I am left feeling very old, very fat and very unatttractive. Doesnt every woman want to feel that her mate is attracted to her?

Thanks for listening.

J x

make_me_wise

It sounds to me as if he doesn't like to concentrate on a persons looks but their innerselves. Maybe he felt intimidated by or inferior to how his previous partners looked. They may have used their appearance against him and so he doesn't like to focus on it anymore.

He seems to find it difficult to be closely initmate. The only way to solve this is to have a frank heart to heart with the only person who can really give you answers. As well as asking him questions tell him how he makes you feel. Good luck, hope you manage to resolve this so you end up with a relationship where you feel loved and appreciated.

flutterby_lil

Hi and welcome J.

I think your self esteem and self confidence has taken a beating over the years through your ex.

Have you ever had any counselling?

Don't look at yourself as being, fat, unattractive etc, he is with you and loves you for who you are. Are you over weight? Do you do things for yourself to make you feel better, such as beauty treatments, massage, swimming, gym, meals out with friends, a glass of wine on a friday after work?

I was very much the same with my ex, I was fat (16 stone) and felt very unattractive, we never had sex, never did anything together, always argued etc. I saw the light and left him, lost weight and am now very happy in myself and have an amazing man who I am currently pregnant too. I am so glad I turned a corner and started living for me, meeting friends, going out, all of which I never did whilst with my ex.

Maybe you are clinging onto the relationship as this man is a breath of fresh air compared to the abusive ex, maybe he is nice but not right. Do you do things together? do you enjoy each others company?

Chin up and go out and treat yourself, value yourself and smile

retailqueen

Thankyou for your replies. Other than what i have said, the relatioship is fantastic. we spend a lot of time togethrer, have loads in common and laugh a lot. I do need to lose a couple of stone but my motivation is low at the moment!

shiny76

retailqueen wrote: »

My partner is lovely and I am very much in love with him and I am confident that he loves me, however there are some "issues" which are affecting me. Before he met me, he had been in a long term relationship and prior to that had been married for 12 years. Both of these women were very attractive, the latter one could be described as beautiful.
...
...but I am left feeling very old, very fat and very unatttractive. Doesnt every woman want to feel that her mate is attracted to her?

Thanks for listening.

J x

Hi J,

It's quite normal to compare yourself and judge yourself worse than these other women, especially after a previous negative experience. Perhaps you're being unduly harsh on yourself. What is he getting out of the relationship if he doesn't love you? Do you know how affectionate he was in these other relationships? It's possible he was the same in those and just isn't the physically affectionate type.

Errata

re the attractivness: two words, Bernie and Ecclestone
re the kissing: when did you last snog his face off

doodoot

OP just because his previous partners were beautiful does not mean that he was like a stud muffin on viagra with them!

Unless he has told you differently?

If this is really eating you up to the point that you are asking strangers for advice, then you seriously need to sit him down and tell you aren't happy with his cold-fish behaviour in the sack.

My hubby was married to a woman who was stunning according to those who knew her, and I felt that I was competing with an invisible ideal for quite some time at the start of our relationship.

I also kept asking myself why he chose me when his previous partners were also apparently stunners.

After asking him he told me that I'm beautiful and more so than the others because I'm beautiful on the inside and outside...they were all shallow gold-diggers.

crazyguy

doodoot wrote: »

OP just because his previous partners were beautiful does not mean that he was like a stud muffin on viagra with them!

Unless he has told you differently?

If this is really eating you up to the point that you are asking strangers for advice, then you seriously need to sit him down and tell you aren't happy with his cold-fish behaviour in the sack.

My hubby was married to a woman who was stunning according to those who knew her, and I felt that I was competing with an invisible ideal for quite some time at the start of our relationship.

I also kept asking myself why he chose me when his previous partners were also apparently stunners.

After asking him he told me that I'm beautiful and more so than the others because I'm beautiful on the inside and outside...they were all shallow gold-diggers.

The things us men will say to get a leg over,

Mupette

one thing you have described is your bloke is not shallow.

as we get older we all get wrinkles and lines, and body bits might head south.. then you look at your partner.. was that beer belly there when we met, etc etc..

you grow to love someone, regardless what they look like.

you do have self esteem problems, i say this in a nice way as i understand, you were describing me to a point, with previous relationships.

been divorced 10 years and still now i have issues with myself, and i guess deep down i always will.

Lady_Aga

Look at a photograph of yourself from 10-15 years ago.
You will probably think you were beautiful.
Did you think that you were gorgeous at the time, or did you have the same insecurities as you do now?
It is a waste of time thinking about how things would be different if you looked a certain way. You look how you look. Leave the worrying about looks to celebrities. Live your life. We spend more years being old than we do being young.
Your husband loves you. For you.
His ex-wife is an ex for a reason. She grows older every day, just like the rest of us (with the exception of Madonna)