Relationship falling apart :(

claire16c

I honestly dont understand why you are ironing a grown mans shirts. Are you his mother or his girlfriend? And him going out all day on a saturday, and not coming back til the next day? Where is he?? Seriously he sounds like a total loser of a boyfriend to me. What is the point of being with him if youre not making each other happy? Dont waste anymore time on someone who treats you like that.

So what if he puts more money into the joint account? why did you agree to do more housework just because of that? I would have laughed in my DHs face if he had told me to do that when we used to both put money into an account before we got married. The reason he put more in was because he earnt more. It has nothing to do with who irons whose shirts!

Dinah93

What strikes me most from your post is that it's very practical, how do you feel? Do you want to be with him or do you want to get out but are worried about the finances?

richardvc

What I am going to say comes across as unkind so please don't take it like that....

You both want to have it all but can't compromise how you should go about it !

You want it all for the right reasons ie to get a fulfilling job with increased pay and HE wants it to go and get up to shenanigans behind your back.

He is not mature enough for a relationship with you and you are far too mature for him.........ditch him !

rinabean

He thinks you are worth less than him because you are paid less than him. You have to do extra housework because your time is less valuable and you are less valuable. This is what he thinks of you. It would be easier to forgive all the rest if it weren't for this, this undeniable proof that he sees you as an inferior being. How can you live with someone who is looking down on you all the time? You deserve so, so much better.

Wanting to have a busy life is not the same as deciding that your partner is not actually your beloved equal but your inferior. You haven't done anything wrong - he has. Even if the financial side doesn't work out in your favour (though I'm pretty sure it will), don't stay with him because of that. Your happiness is worth more. The longer you stay with a man who doesn't love you - who you sound unsure about loving - the harder it will be to leave.

Sooki

When I read your post it made so upset as it reminded me so much of a relationship I had in the past and brought back some tough memories. It sounds like you are enduring emotional abuse, and I really think you should look at getting support for this, just because it's not physical abuse does not mean you have to live this way. There are support networks out there please contact one of them ( women's aid for example) even if it's just to get a little bit of advice and support. it will help you feel stronger and more able to cope with this awful situation.
I'm sure your parents lent you the money as they wanted you to feel happy and settled, you are obviously neither and I think you would be wise if possible to confide in them if you haven't already about what is happening I'm sure they prefer your happiness over this destructive relationship.

Your working together is a tough call, if you are in job where you can get a transfer I'd seriously consider asking for one.

lynzpower

Gingham_R wrote: »

I highlighted some of the bits that worry me, in particular your last sentence.

How can you crying cause an argument? How can you live with dreading him coming home? Why can't he wash his own clothes? Why does he have to be out all night every week and what is he doing?

I would honestly rather lose every penny I had and start all over again than live with such unhappiness. I really think you need to speak to the CAB or get a lawyer and be prepared to do whatever it takes to get your strength and self esteem back. Can your parents prove that their money went into the house? I'm sure even if they can't they'd rather have you pay them back in instalments than have you live like this just because of money.

Chin up, girl. You deserve better than this.

Have to agree 100% with this. The last line about OP being upset and that causing an argument makes me shiver.

rachbc

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Firstly I have to say...I do agree that your boyf IS being unreasonable re the household chores etc.
I'm going to stick my neck out here though and probably get hammered for it,but,you are SO so busy he must feeling pretty neglected by you too.Your work/social diary is mental tbh and I'm sure he resents sitting at home on the many nights you're out,just as you resent him disappearing for the weekend.Can you not try to cut back on both sides and spend more time together?Try to get some closeness back into the relationship by doing something together at least one night a week?
<sat with my hard hat on waiting to get pounded>

OR he could go out with his mates when she is busy and then they get couple time at the weekend?

OP- he sounds like the boring one not you - you have lots of varied and interesting things going on in your life- he goes to the pub. I suspect he feels threatened by this as is grinding you down and trying to make you feel worthless with his ctiticisms, staying out and not contacting you. Don't let him!

PasturesNew

You don't need relationship advice, you need advice on how to get rid of him without suffering financially.

Peater

He sounds like a douche who wants a mum rather than a partner.

Do you think that you're increased extra-curricular activities could be a sub-consious way to get out of the house more and away from him?

I know it will be a horrible experience and lead to a few more arguements (personal & legal) but you have to ride the storm to get to the sunshine.

podperson

OP, at the moment I work full time, I'm doing an OU course and I go to choir once a week, a film group, a writer's group, tutorials, out with friends etc. so it can sometimes feel like I'm out of the house a ridiculous amount and sometimes only get to see OH a few hours in a day. We do make sure we spend quality time together as well though - and while I never mind him going out with his mates if he disappeared for 24hrs every week and I had no idea where he was and wasn't allowed to call him then he would be hearing about it!! You going out to activities is not an excuse for him doing that - I assume he knows where you are (at least roughly) when you go out to things, how would he feel if you disappeared for a weekend and refused to tell him where you were going?
Also I find it a little strange that you own a house together but it 'yours' and 'his' money. I bring more in then OH as he's studying at the moment but we both do the housework - admitedly I can annoyed as he leaves it to pile up for days and blitzes it all in one go, but that's just different ways we have of approaching things.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about how much this is bothering you? Perhaps it is just a question of him feeling a little neglected - but tbh the fact that he is calling you 'boring and depressing' and will fall out with you if he sees you've been upset doesn't really suggest he's very supportive. Do you want to stay with him or are you just worried about the house? Finances are never a reason to make yourself miserable over and you may be surprised at the help you could get - look at council tax benefit and tax credits maybe?
Good luck with it x