Abusive Husband and Getting a Divorce - he is unreasonable

Littlemadam83

Hey everyone,

I hoped so dearly I could make my marriage work, and in hindsight looking back I have been such an idiot and know my reasons for not ending anything was due to my lack of self esteem/respect.

A brief history, the guy is emotionally abusive, has punched me once (I did speak with the police but I would have to press charges to get it registered when I just wanted if it happened again for them to have a record and if needed come out).

He has moved on and in love with someone which is fine as we haven't been working for a year now. I am dating and getting out there. We have a mortgage in joint names, and he is refusing to move or be civil.

I am ready to get a divorce, but am scared he will dispute it, I have always asked for us to be amicable, but he is incapable of anything, he let the cats go without water yesterday because I asked him when I left for work if he could do it and he agreed.

I havent got the money to drag it through solicitors, and we owe my dad some money as he helped us with the deposit. Ex is saying he is going to stay here for another 6 months and to be honest I am a wreck, I am crying at work, he shouts at me for things that are nothing to do with me.

I fought so hard for this mortgage when he did nothing, and I am so unwilling to lose it now as I have made some great friends that I never thought I would.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me and can offer advice on how to cope or anyway I can end this chapter of my life sooner? He obviously is just staying here so he can abuse me as and when he pleases. I am not rising to it or showing him he is hurting me, and I know I can be strong, but 6 months of this mental abuse is going to wear me down.

Thank you so much for any replies, and hope people out there understand my situation x

brians_daughter

Hey there LM. Been there done that of recent times.

My decisions and actions would not suit everyone as all situations and people are different..but here goes IMO!

All i can say to you is this... you say you dont want to move out ask yourself this... is a set of bricks and mortor worth a mental breakdown? For me it was not. I uprooted my 3 children and we left...funnily enough less than a week later he said he was moving out so we moved back in. It was (in his case) a matter of because he thought i didnt want it (the house) anymore he didnt either. It was his last 'grip' over me so i cut the ties. We are back in the house now and he is elsewhere.

Is he planning on moving out and in with his new partner? If so has he set a timescale for this? If it is planned to happen in a number of weeks and you really want to stay in the house then ride it out but if no timescale has been set i dont see how you can carry on.

You already state that you are crying at work - i assume it is impacting on your duties at some level. How will you pay the mortgage if your employer isnt so understanding 6 months down the line? You could be in a worse situation ie still in the house with him but no way of paying the bills if he did move out

I know its all easy to say on a faceless forum but i do understand where you're coming from and the only advice i can give is if hes using the house as a hold on you then imo it isnt worth your health and wellbeing staying there.

You dont mention any children i hope there isnt any involved as if it is so taxing on you i would hate to think what little ones would be going through

be strong and only you can decide but we can hold your hand along the way

Caroline_a

Totally agree with Brian's daughter. We get so focussed on houses when in reality it is only bricks and mortar. My views on home ownership have changed so drastically over the years... I used to think it was the B all and end all, but now realise that so many other things are more important, health and happiness being one of them!

Littlemadam83

Wow Brians Daughter, thank you so much for that well explained post, and I totally see and agree to your points.

He said he is staying in the flat for 6 months, so I assume this is when he and his beau want to move in together. I know I can have the mortgage in just my own name. Luckily there are no children, he was the reason I didn't want them as life is hard enough without a father like him.

I have no one I can go and live with, and not enough cash to rent, but I could state in writing that if he wishes to live there for 6 months then I would like us to sell or he buy me out. That way I can move on, and as much as I want to fight and have the flat I suppose I am willing to let it go to get this evil monster from my life. There is a property on the market at the moment that is within my affordability.

Well done you for being so strong and is amazing the way it worked out for you!

Your post was so helpful, thank you x

Littlemadam83

Caroline_a wrote: »

Totally agree with Brian's daughter. We get so focussed on houses when in reality it is only bricks and mortar. My views on home ownership have changed so drastically over the years... I used to think it was the B all and end all, but now realise that so many other things are more important, health and happiness being one of them!

Totally agree, thank you! I would like to own as I have two cats I would never find rented accommodation for, but if he wants the flat why fight and let him have a hold over me x