No longer a carer..

nlj1520

I was the main carer for my disabled son for 15 years until he went to a specialist residential school and then into supported living.
Caring for him (and don't get me wrong, I love him to bits) reduced me to depression and after he went to school I was treated for post-traumatic stress disorder (still healing 5 years on) as he was very violent and destructive.
Before I had him I thought I was not the caring type, we all have hidden depths of strength we don't know about until we need them. HOWEVER you do have a life to lead, we each only get one precious life and we have to live it as best we can. Caring for someone 24/7 no matter how much we love them is too much for anyone and even if you are not physically at your mother's house if she sees you as the main carer the responsibility will be foisted onto you. How wise and loving you are to look at ways your mother can get what she needs and you can retain your life (and sanity!). I found it was the responsibility that ground me down.......being the only one who had to deal with EVERYTHING without help or support.
So thank you for reading my moan, it wasn't meant to be one when I started! My opinion is that you are NOT selfish or in any wrong in wanting to lead a life. You are really on the right track in seeing that others are involved in your mother's care, it will ease the responsibility on you, allow you to pursue your own interests and keep your relationship with her on a good basis. Good for you for recognising this and not getting sucked into a place you don't want to be in. Hold firm against Social services who will try to make it your responsibility in my experience, they will try to make you feel guilty too. All the very, very best.

Mojisola

nlj1520 wrote: »

I was the main carer for my disabled son for 15 years until he went to a specialist residential school and then into supported living.
Caring for him (and don't get me wrong, I love him to bits) reduced me to depression and after he went to school I was treated for post-traumatic stress disorder (still healing 5 years on) as he was very violent and destructive.
Before I had him I thought I was not the caring type, we all have hidden depths of strength we don't know about until we need them. HOWEVER you do have a life to lead, we each only get one precious life and we have to live it as best we can. Caring for someone 24/7 no matter how much we love them is too much for anyone and even if you are not physically at your mother's house if she sees you as the main carer the responsibility will be foisted onto you. How wise and loving you are to look at ways your mother can get what she needs and you can retain your life (and sanity!). I found it was the responsibility that ground me down.......being the only one who had to deal with EVERYTHING without help or support.
So thank you for reading my moan, it wasn't meant to be one when I started! My opinion is that you are NOT selfish or in any wrong in wanting to lead a life. You are really on the right track in seeing that others are involved in your mother's care, it will ease the responsibility on you, allow you to pursue your own interests and keep your relationship with her on a good basis. Good for you for recognising this and not getting sucked into a place you don't want to be in. Hold firm against Social services who will try to make it your responsibility in my experience, they will try to make you feel guilty too. All the very, very best.

Agree with all this. One thing carers can lose sight of is that having one worn-out, exhausted carer is probably not the best thing for the person needing care. When you're struggling to cope day-to-day, it's hard to see the overall picture.

I can see the difference in my parents when they've had a carer in who has chatted to them and told them her news while she's been working instead of me dragging myself through the jobs that needed to do while feeling really low and unwell.

When I'm there now, I'm much better company for them.

pinksk8

Just wanted to say, how brave of someone to raise the issue of caring, its something very close to my heart.

A few years ago, my grandma was told she had terminal cancer, her eldest daughter(my mum), and her other two children all worked full time, and being her eldest grand-daughter I said I would do the main bulk of the caring as I had just been made redundant (plus, the things my gran had done for me over the years....), I knew if she had to have outside carers she would have given up a lot sooner than she did. It was agreed that my aunt would pop in each evening (she was given my grans car for this reason) and take over every other weekend for one day/night.

However in the two years I had three days off, during which, I was constantly hounded by my aunt about when I was getting back. I felt so guilty sometimes, just wishing for a few hours peace, it wasnt that my gran was nagging or anything, but I was sleeping on a sofa next to her bed in case she needed me in the night.

However when my gran passed away, I felt so lost and empty because I didnt know what to do with myself BUT I am so grateful that i got this time with her, because whilst we were both learning about care we had such a laugh getting used to all the aspects of personal care and such, I really got to know her in these few years and I will never forget that when she was in hospital, it was me she was worried she wouldnt get to see.

Unbelievebly I then went into working as a carer for a few years, and loved it so much but it was getting to the point I couldnt afford to do it as the wages were so bad.

A HUGE HAND PLEASE FOR THIS COUNTRIES CARERS, THE MAJORITY OF WHICH ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!

Savvy_Sue

Mojisola wrote: »

Agree with all this. One thing carers can lose sight of is that having one worn-out, exhausted carer is probably not the best thing for the person needing care. When you're struggling to cope day-to-day, it's hard to see the overall picture.

How I wish I could gently communicate this to my MIL! But she wouldn't see herself as a carer, so it wouldn't get me anywhere.

But I see FIL getting more and more 'difficult' - can't go out for meals any more because restaurants never heat the plates enough for him (they do heat the plates but just not enough for him), so the food gets cold so he won't eat it (the food can be piping hot on arrival but he takes a while to eat and it's then not hot enough for his taste); if she goes out for half a day he can't remember where she's gone or when she'll be back, and if she's out over lunchtime he doesn't eat whatever she's left for him; he's diabetic and can no longer manage his own meds but still thinks he can so argues with her about what he's due to take / how much he needs to inject; can dress himself OK but not necessarily appropriately for the weather so will come down in a short sleeved shirt and no jumper in December; every conversation had 6 times because he can't remember what he's asked and what's been said.

She's wondering about booking another holiday for them, but worried about the food - would it be a relaxing break or more of the same in a different place?

Richie-from-the-Boro

Savvy_Sue

A plate warmer having a heat storing core material for releasing heat to food serving supported thereon dishware over an extended period of time, i.e., in excess of thirty minutes, and a method of making said plate warmer. The heat storing material comprises beads of synthetic petroleum wax which are compressed to form a solid core having inwardly concave top and bottom surfaces and to expel air from the core. Top and bottom outer plate members are compressed to conform to the inwardly concave surfaces of the core and then sealed to define an airtight, waterproof cavity which is filled by the core. When the plate warmer is heated, the core expands outwardly against the concave walls of the outer plate members and the walls assume a substantially flat configuration wherein the cavity is enlarged to accommodate the expanded core material, the walls reassuming their inwardly concave configuration as the heat storing core material cools and releases heat through the top outer plate member to the dishware

- I wonder if such a thing exists ?

Savvy_Sue

Richie-from-the-Boro wrote: »

Savvy_Sue

A plate warmer having a heat storing core material for releasing heat to food serving supported thereon dishware over an extended period of time, i.e., in excess of thirty minutes, and a method of making said plate warmer. The heat storing material comprises beads of synthetic petroleum wax which are compressed to form a solid core having inwardly concave top and bottom surfaces and to expel air from the core. Top and bottom outer plate members are compressed to conform to the inwardly concave surfaces of the core and then sealed to define an airtight, waterproof cavity which is filled by the core. When the plate warmer is heated, the core expands outwardly against the concave walls of the outer plate members and the walls assume a substantially flat configuration wherein the cavity is enlarged to accommodate the expanded core material, the walls reassuming their inwardly concave configuration as the heat storing core material cools and releases heat through the top outer plate member to the dishware

- I wonder if such a thing exists ?

:rotfl: if not, there's a way to make your fortune!!!

You see, for FIL there is not even a right and a wrong way to do things. There is only 'his' way. In 'his' way, plates must be so hot that you can't carry them without an oven glove: forget using a serviette, you need something thicker than that. When food arrives, he touches the plate, and if it doesn't burn him he says it's cold.

I suspect that a lot of restaurants don't like their plates that hot, because it's a H&S hazard.

Oh, and you can't even serve cheese on toast on a cold plate. I thought MIL was joking when she suggested I should warm the plates for cheese on toast.

debtfreenow

Re FIL's pernicketyness re hot plates - would it be possible to use one of those hotplate warmers that can be bought to put casseroles on to keep them warm (ie when various different people are serving themselves from them)? Maybe some sort of arrangement rigged up of the type used for fondues might be possible? Personally - if I hadnt already told him to "like it or lump it" (as I probably would have in those circumstances:cool:) then I would go for buying one of those hotplate warmer thingies.

Or, would this just "shift the problem" (as in he'd stop complaining about his plate and shift to complaining about something else instead)? Some people DO like having something or other to complain about and, if they can't find something, then they will make something up.

It does sound to me (from the outside looking in I have to admit) as if this is some sort of "control issue" problem he has and he will look for other excuses to "create trouble" if this issue is resolved.

Savvy_Sue

debtfreenow wrote: »

Re FIL's pernicketyness re hot plates - would it be possible to use one of those hotplate warmers that can be bought to put casseroles on to keep them warm (ie when various different people are serving themselves from them)? Maybe some sort of arrangement rigged up of the type used for fondues might be possible? Personally - if I hadnt already told him to "like it or lump it" (as I probably would have in those circumstances:cool:) then I would go for buying one of those hotplate warmer thingies.

Or, would this just "shift the problem" (as in he'd stop complaining about his plate and shift to complaining about something else instead)? Some people DO like having something or other to complain about and, if they can't find something, then they will make something up.

It does sound to me (from the outside looking in I have to admit) as if this is some sort of "control issue" problem he has and he will look for other excuses to "create trouble" if this issue is resolved.

Well, it's an idea. However I suspect it would shift the problem. It's not so much that he has to have something to complain about, I suspect, as that he is no longer in control of the larger issues - where shall we go, what shall we do, because even if he made the decision he would not remember either what it was or that he'd made it! - so tries to take control of smaller ones.