Families, funerals and confusion!

Nottoobadyet

I have a bit of a quandary at the moment and need some advice. Sorry if this is long and a bit confused!

I am in a relatively young (4 months) relationship with a lovely guy, R. For the sake of the geography, I should explain that we currently live in Kampala, Uganda and by strange coincidence are both dual American / Israeli citizens.

Just a few weeks after we met, Rs father passed away very suddenly. As I was the new flatmate and not the girlfriend at the time, I was there for him as much as I could be but obviously didn't travel to go to the funeral in Israel. While the family time was needed then, it was very stressful for him as the oldest child trying to deal with all the internal family politics and his mother's emotional and financial distress.

Now, in December there is a ceremony for the laying of the gravestone, which is a Jewish tradition that takes place several months to a year after the funeral. R's immediate family will be coming from America, and the extended family will all be there. I offered to come but he didn't seem particularly enthusiastic (which isnt surprising considering this isnt exactly a fun occasion, and Im still a newish girlfriend) so I didn't push it, and we instead booked a short break in Ethiopia, where he needed to stop on the way anyway for a layover and where I've wanted to go for sometime.

Over the last few days, however, he has been experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress over all the family drama that will almost inevitably occur on this trip. There have been a succession of tragic or sudden deaths in his family (brother, father, grandparents) in short succession, and the family is obviously under a lot of strain, in addition to his fathers affairs which are causing friction and on which he feels he needs to protect his (understandably very fragile) mother's interests.

Not that many years ago, I was depressed and rather estranged from my parents and was really dreading seeing them after a few years, and I was very grateful to my boyfriend at the time for coming with me. Having an outsider around helped defuse the tension and kept people (including me) on good behavior.

With things as they are, I want to cancel the holiday (cant afford to do both at the moment, and I can get the tickets refunded which are the only things booked) and come with him to Israel, where incidentally I used to live and have many friends. He initially liked the idea and seemed relieved a the prospect, but is now backing off it, seemingly because he feels bad about depriving me of a holiday and incurring extra expense. I've told him to think about it and that I wont be offended if he doesnt want me to come. I've let him know that it wouldn't be a complete write off for me anyway - his family live in the same town as one of my best friends, and I would have lots of people to see while there.

What does everyone think? Im trying to strike a balance between imposing myself inappropriately and being supportive, instead Im just lost and confused! Obviously I'll take my final based on what he wants, but I wanted your collective wisdom as well.

webitha

me personally i would cancel the holiday and go to Israel and go see your friends, that way you still get a mini break away and a good old catch up, but you are also nearby, if things get too much for him and he needs comforting, i know there is nothing better than a hug from a loved one to make me feel a bit better iyswim

Kay_Peel

Is there some reason why your boyfriend does not want you to meet his family or vice versa?

Nottoobadyet

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Is there some reason why your boyfriend does not want you to meet his family or vice versa?

Not really, except that it would be under stressful circumstances, and obviously a rather intense way to be inducted into the clan! We've talked to each others mums on skype so its no really a secret liaison or anything.

That said I of course recognize that 4 months is a rather short time to be together before letting your entire neurotic Israeli family descend on your poor new lady, but I've been there and (probably!) know what to expect!

jackieglasgow

I would just say to him, 'look, I am having a holiday, but I am choosing to go to Israel to see x, y and z. I wont impose myself on you in anyway, but if you need me, I am nearby and can help, I dont need to get involved in your family drama, but I will be around in the evenings or whenever, so you have soewhere to escape, if you dont need that, then at least we can enjoy the journey there and back together, and I get to see my lovely friends.'

or something along those lines that puts no pressure on him at all to feel obliged to see you or spend time with you, but lets him know you are there for him. Good luck, it sounds like he has an awful lot on his plate.

I love Uganda, a good friend of mine lives in Kampala, lucky you getting to live and works there

Murtle

I agree with jackieglasgow, and she words it so much better than I would. It dosn't sound like you'll enjoy Ethiopia if you are worrying about your OH. You can travel there when things are more relaxed.

Nottoobadyet

Thanks for all the responses so far - just to note that we were both planning on going on the Ethiopia trip, essentially he was tagging it on to the front of his journey, then I would come home instead of continuing on to Israel. So if I changed my tickets he would either go there alone or change his flights to just go to Israel as well.

Jackie - always pleased to meet a fan of this lovely little city! I came on a two year contract but its so lovely here that they'll never get rid of me at this rate

Errata

TBH, knowing Jewish families, there could be murders if he so much as hints to his family he's just popping over to see his GF who just happens conveniently to be staying three streets away, ready and willing to give him some respite from them.

Lotus-eater

I would go with what he really wants. He knows his family and himself, just make sure he really wants it and (knowing a few Jewish families myself) he may just be trying to protect you in some way from an overbearing relation.
Or, he may just think it's too early to be introducing you at this bad time.

CH27

It's got to be his call.
4 months is a very new relationship. Listen to him & be guided by him.