Sick and tired of it all

ScottishMum

just wanting to vent and get some advice from you lovely people !!

Husband left in July and went off with some other woman. Had been chatting to her online and when I caught him out he ran off, leaving me and DD a note, very manly of him to face me!!

anyway, things are strained all the time as he is so obstructive regarding everything I say or suggest regarding our DD. I am the resident parent and main carer and we still live in the marital home. the house is in his name unfortunately so he comes and goes as he pleases, especially when Im out. All I would like it a little respect and notice prior to entering the house when im out.

Contact with DD always has to be on his terms, if I suggest anything, he says the opposite as he feels Im calling the shots with him. On a weekly basis DD and I are busy with school, hoemwork, clubs etc but I also, each week make a suggestion as when she can go to stay. DD is now saying she doesnt want to stay at dads, wants to visit but wants to come back home. What can I do about this as he is absolutely insistent that she is to stay, surely he cant force her.

I have tried to reason with him and just have her over for dinner and then return her, no, that wasnt going to be happening and she has to stay. DD has even told her dad this, but not sure his reply was to her, she hasnt said anything about it.

Last weekend DD met the new GF, this went fine and she appeared to like this person, but once home and in my company, she was all over the place, shouting and screaming at me, wetting herself, throwing her dinner on the floor........i think it was a reaction to meeting dads new GF and not knowing how to express herself. This behaviour then carried on until around tuesday when she calmed down again. My DD never behaves like this, she is a very grounded little girl who is very socialable and likeable.

I have always said that I will never not allow him to see her and stop her going to see him, but I so worn down with all of this and never seem to get anything right.

I am in touch with a lawyer, he says he is aswell, but really dont believe anything he says as he has no money.

I feel im being bullied, intimidated and put down with regards to everything and Im sick of it. He controlled jsut about everything when we were together and now it continues.

Can anyone advise on how to deal with this??

sorry for rambling!!

:undecided

We spent many years unhappy together, for me the main reason was his excessive and addictive use of the PC, sometimes upto 15hrs every single day, apart from working.

Can anyone advise what I can do re my DD?? Her shcool is aware of what is going on and are very sympathetic and supportive of her.

Elle7

How old is your DD? I think this will make a difference - above 12 and I think her opinion would be taken into consideration.

Has your solicitor given you any advice? I believe the usual arrangement is for the resident carer to stay in the marital home with the children - which would mean he would need to be more respectful with his coming and going.

Is he paying child maintainence?

He sounds very controlling...I'm not surprised your DD is suffering. It will be difficult - does the school have a counsellor who could offer to talk to her?

ScottishMum

thanks for your reply.

My DD is 5, very young I know, but I know the distress she has been through with all of this since July which I feel I got her through 99% of it, I just dont want her going backwards with regards to the stress we all went through.

The school have gotten a nursery teacher to speak with her, someone DD was very close to at nursery.

Ive made my solicitor aware of what happened after the meeting with G/F last weekend, but I know solicitors are very busy and I havent heard back from her as yet. Im planning to contacting her again tomorrow.

In reality Im doing him a favour staying in the martial home, as the mortgage and all the bills are being paid each month by me and really I could walk away at the drop of a hat and he has no come back on me.

Maintenance........ thats another bug bare, wont go into that just now, but again as you can imagine, its on his terms.

meritaten

er - I dont think he is entitled to free access to your home - change the locks hun! Do NOT give him a key. why should he be able to come in at any time he wants? thats creepy!
as for dealing with your DD - its a bit difficult to advise without knowing her age.

dirtysexymonkey

meritaten wrote: »

er - I dont think he is entitled to free access to your home - change the locks hun! Do NOT give him a key. why should he be able to come in at any time he wants? thats creepy!
as for dealing with your DD - its a bit difficult to advise without knowing her age.

she cant do that. its his house.

missyp123

this is my personal opinion...but is it not a bit too soon for you dd to be meeting with the gf yet?

she is only 5 and for her to have to get her head around her dad leaving but then to see the gf so quickly???

have you suggested he work on the relationship with just him and your dd for now? clearly if she is not wanting to stay there are issues that need to dealt with.

i also agree you should change the locks, you pay mtg and its well weird he feels the needs to go into your home,....isnt he the one who has 'moved on'?

are you making plans in the future to move out? he does sound controlling so this may give you the break you need.

make_me_wise

mhairibramwell wrote: »

Last weekend DD met the new GF, this went fine and she appeared to like this person, but once home and in my company, she was all over the place, shouting and screaming at me, wetting herself, throwing her dinner on the floor........i think it was a reaction to meeting dads new GF and not knowing how to express herself. This behaviour then carried on until around tuesday when she calmed down again. My DD never behaves like this, she is a very grounded little girl who is very socialable and likeable.

Poor little love. I notice in a later post you mention she is just 5. Meeting the new girlfriend would have been a very traumatic experience for a child so young. No matter how well it appeared to go.

I have a friend whos parents split up when she was in her teens and she said she was shaking and felt physically sick during the first meetings. It felt surreal to her and she had this awful feeling of guilt about mixing with her dads new woman. She was 18 at the time. So how such a meeting would make a 5 year old feel is hard to imagine.

She reacted the way she did with you because she needed to let it all out and she feels safe with you. It must have been extremely hard to see her going through this though.

It is very good that you have informed her school. Keep them up to date about when she visits her dad so they can monitor her behaviour and let you know of any concerns. Work with them, a good school can really help with a child suffering anxiety and upheavel

With regards to the maintenance being on his terms. You could take control and involve the csa.

paddy's_mum

"No" is the answer. Take me to court if you wish and try to convince them that your way is the right way.

meritaten

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

she cant do that. its his house.

no - he has left! she is paying the mortgage! he may OWN the house - but that does not give him automatic rights.
this needs sorting out by legal means.

ScottishMum

missyp123 wrote: »

this is my personal opinion...but is it not a bit too soon for you dd to be meeting with the gf yet?

she is only 5 and for her to have to get her head around her dad leaving but then to see the gf so quickly???

have you suggested he work on the relationship with just him and your dd for now? clearly if she is not wanting to stay there are issues that need to dealt with.

i also agree you should change the locks, you pay mtg and its well weird he feels the needs to go into your home,....isnt he the one who has 'moved on'?

are you making plans in the future to move out? he does sound controlling so this may give you the break you need.

Unfortunately lawyer has told me he can enter the house, but I have asked that she request he give me 48hrs notice. He actually doesnt have very much stuff here anymore, i ended up bagging a load of stuff last week and handing it over as I thought the less of your stuff that is here the better.

Well I thought the same as you, far far to early to meet the g/f, but that was another situation I feel like i was bullied into, as i was apparently "denying him legal right to meaningful contact with his daughter" this is what I get all the time from him. She lives at the other end of the country and she wont see her very often, so the next time this arises, she wil be back to square one e.g. like meeting a complete stranger again. Whereas the g/f has an older daughter and she has had ex staying in her house for days on end, piff........more the fool her as she wont be seeing the real person.

I will be moving out but not until next year, I need to have that break away from him. Im actually on edge tonight for some reason and keep peeping out the blinds, he cant get in as my key is in the lock, but there is something spooking me out tonight.

dirtysexymonkey

meritaten wrote: »

no - he has left! she is paying the mortgage! he may OWN the house - but that does not give him automatic rights.
this needs sorting out by legal means.

its his name on the deeds, its his house. she cannot deny him access. as her solicitor has confirmed.

will you stop giving wrong advice! its bloody dangerous.