Tesco Discussion chat & grabbits eleven +

HappyChappy84

locarr wrote: »

your joke reminded me of this one HC!:D

That's men for you!!

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

lookinforabargain

locarr wrote: »

your joke reminded me of this one HC!:D

That's men for you!!

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

love it
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

nikkilala_2

MKS wrote: »

Whenever I see a lady with tiny feet in her local Ts, I always wonder Is tghat Tinyshoes! I was behind a lady outside M&S in Bournemouth last Saturday and she had the smallest feet ever but was wearing 5" Louboutins'. For some reason, I don't imagine Tiny wearing such high heels! Am I a Miss Marple as well?:rotfl::rotfl:

I feel the same when I look at mens bums in T's, trying to work out if I've seen them in their boxers on here;););)

celebrate wrote: »

i did but it was an age 2yrs, DD is 10.....might be a tad tight:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

the funny thing is DS2 who did the picture of me in Tesco -anyone remember me posting the piccy a while back? well because I thought it was so hilarious at the time, he has taken to doing a picture of me in Tesco EVERYDAY at school:eek::eek::eek:

We have had every variation of spelling of the word Tesco but it always has a T , a C and an O.

he seems so chuffed to be shouting at the top of his voice on the way to the car "mummy I've done another picture of you in TESCO!"

What have I done to my kids??:eek::eek::eek::eek:

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Tinyshoes wrote: »

Rain was not too bad this year but last year I slid down a very steep slope and was covered. We often walk across the ridge from Corfe and the descent can be quite steep. Didn't go to Old Harry this year but we usually do. If you are there end of july/beginning of august next year you won't miss me with my new trekking poles courtesy of Ts.

And Nikki, had many a childhood visit to Weymouth. We even did a Haven Holiday there when DDs were very young just far enough for a break without the dreaded "Are we there yet?" We popped over couple years ago while camping but the works for the new road for the Olympics put us off going this year. It rained so much the day we did go that the whole of the seafront was flooded. Luckily we had parked in the sealife centre carpark, otherwise car would have been ruined. :eek:

The new roads are causing chaos and to be honest I think they've really changed the look of weymouth and made it too modern, it used to be a lovely little seaside town and last time I went I didnt recognise the roads and we go down there loads:(

mharzuk

nikkilala wrote: »

I know who that is;);););););) Who announced they were going on holiday for 2weeks with the proceeds of their giving up smoking money:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:OMG don't tell me she's taking the 3 boxes to Cuba with her!!!

She sent me a text with all the great finds she found.... I think she will need a second plane to follow her there and back again with all the stuff she got.:D
We're not used to that amount of glitches up here so she was sooooo excited!:T

nikkilala_2

locarr wrote: »

You should try the dorset naga or scotch bonnet!

I like my food hot, very hot, I have chill sauce on almost everything but I put half dorset naga in my lunch once and couldn't finish it, you can get it in supermarkets, I think I got mine in M&S:D

Sounds like my OH, if it doesnt make him go bright red and break out into a sweat it's not hot enough!!

mharzuk

HappyChappy84 wrote: »

She should have told us she was going to Cuba as I could have sent her my Lonely Plant guide book. I could also have sent her the maps of Havana that you can only purchase (and very expensive they are too) at the airport.

She did say she was going last week, its Blondynurse, otherwise she would have been giving loads of advise about ears and morning sickness I'm sure

Krackingtoast

locarr wrote: »

You may wanna thank the op too!:D

Did I not? I do normally I promise!

HappyChappy84

Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never goin g to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 م
الثمن

mumsmoneysaverxx

HappyChappy84 wrote: »

Well, I'm glad I've gave some people a chuckle today.

- you did indeed :A

celebrate wrote: »

i did but it was an age 2yrs, DD is 10.....might be a tad tight:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

The Ben 10, Mr Men and The Stig from TopGear outfits are scanning at 4p in a certain supermarket atm - You could try them? Ben 10 and The Mr Men are deffinatley in books... and i'm sure The Stig is in a Top Gear annual somewhere;) x

HappyChappy84

mharzuk wrote: »

She did say she was going last week, its Blondynurse, otherwise she would have been giving loads of advise about ears and morning sickness I'm sure

Oh, I never saw it.