I'm really trying to stay positive but my husband is wearing me down!

DjShimmer

Hi Guys,

Sunday my husband and I sat down and went through our very detailed and accurate budget... Took us most of sunday and by the end of it we realised we have been way over spending which has resulted in large debts.

I have managed to get the budget to balance but my husbands is all dependant on getting private work or over time in the month.. Its not by an unrealistic amount.. if anything I have underbudgetted.

On Sunday my husband was fine said right need to get my !!!! in gear step up the private work etc...

Tonight I have tried to run through the budgets to set up all our accounts for piggybanking and now he started moaning about it and being all negative.. he cant get that work, blah blah blah..

He is always so negative about things, he is always the pessimist..

We have a house about an hour away that is costing me £200 a month, if we moved into it we would be £400 better off, but he doesn’t want to live there as he has no friends, too far away from his family.. Job is up here... He just isn’t flexible about things.

I just feel so drained, my job is pants so im not feeling the best anyway so trying to remain positive just isn’t happening..

beaujolais-nouveau

DjShimmer wrote: »

On Sunday my husband was fine said right need to get my !!!! in gear step up the private work etc...

Tonight I have tried to run through the budgets to set up all our accounts for piggybanking and now he started moaning about it and being all negative.. he cant get that work, blah blah blah..

He is always so negative about things, he is always the pessimist..

We have a house about an hour away that is costing me £200 a month, if we moved into it we would be £400 better off, but he doesn’t want to live there as he has no friends, too far away from his family.. Job is up here... He just isn’t flexible about things.

Just wanted to say *hugs*. The "habit of negative thought" is really toxic for everyone - it sucks the oxygen out of the room. It sounds as if your husband is a bit lazy and selfish. And at a time like this, with all the uncertainty in the economy, it seems insane to me not to move into your house and save £400 a month!!!!

pleasedelete

Are you also getting private work or doing overtime?

DjShimmer

Thanks guys...

Well I feel selfish for asking him to move there.. as he has never moved away before and I feel like im the one who has cause all the problems wanting the big wedding etc etc..

But the house has been the main source of my debt over £15k I have spent on it in the last 5 years through crap tenants not paying any rent, moving out and trashing the place empty... it goes on and on..

Luckily I earn comission, but my job is not going too well so looking for another one so I can start to earn some serious cash and try and clear our debts.

Im the highest earner and pay the majority of our debts including money into the joint and money for the other house... im just at a loss as what to do with his negative thoughts..

We could never survive on his income if I gave up work to have a family.. I just feel the pressure to clear debts increasing by the day and im not getting any younger.

Printed off some tips on negative thought patterns which im going to give him... :T im trying to help but he may not find it helpful.

Annisele

Is it possible that he's annoyed that you're asking him to do overtime, when it's your house that's cost you £3k a year over the last five years? Does he maybe feel that "our" debts are really "your" debts, if they've been incurred for a big wedding he didn't particularly want and a house he didn't buy?

Of course I might be horribly wide of the mark, but I think you do need to talk to him to find out whether there's any resentment of anything on his side. (I'd also be wary about giving him a print out on negative thought patterns - if my OH gave me something like that I'd go up the wall; I'd consider it properly passive aggressive.)

If the other house is costing you money, would it be a good idea to sell it? Would that enable you to clear some of your debts?

Would your OH be able to get a job near to your other house? Would you? A two hour round trip every day isn't particularly fun as commutes go.

pleasedelete

Why would you give up work to have a family? Possible to have children and work full time or if you want someone at home more logical to have the lower earner.

I have to agree with last poster. Sounds like you have built up debt and now want him to work all hours which you make no mention of yourself doing overtime/ getting a second job etc etc.

Apologies if you are but it comes across as you being the unreasonable one here.

I have to disagree with the poster who says that your husband sounds lazy and selfish.

DjShimmer

I do think he resents me... I paid outright for the majority of the wedding so there is a proportion on a loan but that's it. The house is in both our names and its the only way we will be able to by down here once it comes out of negative equity and starts to increase in value. If I could of sold that house I would of years ago unfortunately its why its been rented out.

To be honest he could ask his boss if he could work from home a couple of days a week. Live at his parents a couple of nights or find another job more local. Its not ideal at all its why we haven't done it before and still weighing up our options.

Yeap think I will avoid giving him the print outs... But I'm at a loss as of what to do... He won't listen when I talk to him.. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

DjShimmer

pleasedelete wrote: »

Why would you give up work to have a family? Possible to have children and work full time or if you want someone at home more logical to have the lower earner.

I have to agree with last poster. Sounds like you have built up debt and now want him to work all hours which you make no mention of yourself doing overtime/ getting a second job etc etc.

Apologies if you are but it comes across as you being the unreasonable one here.

I have to disagree with the poster who says the your husband sounds lazy and selfish.

I wanted to get out the debt we are in first before I can have a family as I don't want to be stressed about debt as well as kids lol

My hubby wants to set his own business and luckily for him earns serious cash for a couple of hours work.. And the figure we put down in budget is a lot less than he normally gets.. Anyway that I can MIake money trust me I'm trying... And offered to help my husband win new clients.

I love my hubby so much he isn't selfish or unreasonable just slightly less open to new ideas and positive thinking.

I'm trying to take a grip on everything but I just feel a bit deflated when he starts moaning and arguing about everything. I'm trying my best whilst trying to stay positive.

If I could pay for his debts every month I would without question!

tallyhoh

I have one like that at home, thinks stuff will drop in his lap without any effort, oh, the tales I could tell!

I did try asking him to forget my suggestions & make some of his own, in other words put the total responsibility onto him. That worked for a while.

beaujolais-nouveau

DjShimmer wrote: »

as he has never moved away before

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic but that is not a good reason for an adult not to move away now.

beaujolais-nouveau

DjShimmer wrote: »

If I could pay for his debts every month I would without question!

Why would you? He ran up the debts, he should pay for them.