I'm really trying to stay positive but my husband is wearing me down!

DjShimmer

I feel as im the higher earner I should try and settle his for him as he doesnt earn as much... But this is one of the main reasons im trying to get him to have a more positive outlook on life and have confidence in his abilitys... as he just thinks he cant earn anymore or get a higher paid job because he isnt good enough... when he really is..

Im sure his parents have alot to answer for as his mum is the same the glass is always half empty.. and I cant imagine when he was at home they encouraged him to push himself.

Does anyone know of any free downloads on confidence and positive mental attitude as he doesnt listen to me..

I just lost my patience with him last night, im fed up, !!!!ed off, had enough of my crappy job, have no confidence in my abilitys at the moment and feel a failure from getting in all this flippin debt.. but im trying to focus on how im going to get us out of it and what we need to try and work towards.. Budget was first, then piggybanking, no spend month, eating the food out the cuboards only buying essentials, using all my smellies rather than buying new ones, ebaying... I have even put my beloved wedding dress on there .

Thank you for your support means alot

determined_new_ms

DjShimmer wrote: »

I feel as im the higher earner I should try and settle his for him as he doesnt earn as much... But this is one of the main reasons im trying to get him to have a more positive outlook on life and have confidence in his abilitys... as he just thinks he cant earn anymore or get a higher paid job because he isnt good enough... when he really is..

Im sure his parents have alot to answer for as his mum is the same the glass is always half empty.. and I cant imagine when he was at home they encouraged him to push himself.

Does anyone know of any free downloads on confidence and positive mental attitude as he doesnt listen to me..

I just lost my patience with him last night, im fed up, !!!!ed off, had enough of my crappy job, have no confidence in my abilitys at the moment and feel a failure from getting in all this flippin debt.. but im trying to focus on how im going to get us out of it and what we need to try and work towards.. Budget was first, then piggybanking, no spend month, eating the food out the cuboards only buying essentials, using all my smellies rather than buying new ones, ebaying... I have even put my beloved wedding dress on there .

Thank you for your support means alot

eeek DjShimmer sounds like co-dependent & enabling behaviour to me (so sorry and I say this without my judgement to either of you, I myself am trying to learn to stop enabling bad behaviour from my teens/young adults so I know how hard it is) Whatever his parents did when he was a child/young adult is not the reason why he is not taking responsibility for his life, whatever the debts are from, whoever earns the most etc etc etc these are diversions. HE is responsible for his actions & behaviour and in my experieince all the time others make excuses for people's behaviour they are not allowing the other person to feel the consequences of their actions. Life as an adult is tough and often !!!!, but its better than the alternative. (I also have to say why did you pay for the wedding??? :eek: didn't he want to get married? Really confused about this one...)

Re getting ur oh on board now that is a tough one that comes up often. Lots of talking, communicating, being open & honest and not letting the *talk* turn into an unhealthy arguement. try to do it in short bursts focusing on the problem (i.e. the debts) & how you two as a team are going to resolve it. Best of luck, not easy I know x

tallyhoh

:mad:

determined_new_ms wrote: »

eeek DjShimmer sounds like co-dependent & enabling behaviour to me (so sorry and I say this without my judgement to either of you, I myself am trying to learn to stop enabling bad behaviour from my teens/young adults so I know how hard it is) Whatever his parents did when he was a child/young adult is not the reason why he is not taking responsibility for his life, whatever the debts are from, whoever earns the most etc etc etc these are diversions. HE is responsible for his actions & behaviour and in my experieince all the time others make excuses for people's behaviour they are not allowing the other person to feel the consequences of their actions. Life as an adult is tough and often !!!!, but its better than the alternative. (I also have to say why did you pay for the wedding??? :eek: didn't he want to get married? Really confused about this one...)

Re getting ur oh on board now that is a tough one that comes up often. Lots of talking, communicating, being open & honest and not letting the *talk* turn into an unhealthy arguement. try to do it in short bursts focusing on the problem (i.e. the debts) & how you two as a team are going to resolve it. Best of luck, not easy I know x

Spot on! I wish I had realised I was an enabler years ago, only just getting to grips with my own behaviour.:mad:

DjShimmer

Hmmm enabler... can you elaborate a bit for me? I really want to work through this and plan our future but if its like this now what will it be like when we have children, dog and less income!!!

What do you think I may be doing or saying which is having the reaction he is having? Im open to critisism thats how much I want to try and get this sorted... I was even thinking about Marriage counsellors... God I we have only been married a year It really really worries me.

I have always had to stand on my own two feet, moved out when I was young, lived lots of places, had various jobs etc etc.. but when I met him he was still at home, had been stuck in the same job for 10 years, had never had to stand on his own two feet.. and he has really turned himself around... new Job this year, started driving all positives, but he hates being in debt and im sure he blames me for it... as he never had any outgoings when he lived at home. Just beer money and thats it.

I do feel responsible for a large chunk and im paying for it but also he has not been perfect by any means..

tallyhoh

DjShimmer wrote: »

I feel as im the higher earner I should try and settle his for him as he doesnt earn as much... But this is one of the main reasons im trying to get him to have a more positive outlook on life and have confidence in his abilitys... as he just thinks he cant earn anymore or get a higher paid job because he isnt good enough... when he really is..

Im sure his parents have alot to answer for as his mum is the same the glass is always half empty.. and I cant imagine when he was at home they encouraged him to push himself.

Why should he try & push himself when you are the higher earner & willing to even finance the wedding?

Not saying my situation is excactly the same as yours but for years I made excuses for my other half & pandered to his "inabilities", in other words I did & paid for everything.

It wasnt until a couple of years ago that I realised I was actually enabling him not to grow up and started to treat him like an adult instead of someone who had to be taken care of.

Its still ongoing but at last he is starting to take some responsibility for himself.

I was also the higher earner for a while but told him that from that point onwards everthing was divided 50/50, even down to the oxo cubes.

He beginning to realise now that if he wants anything he's going to have to earn it.

I would say that it seems you have replaced his parents but maybe that would be unfair.

Good Luck:)

determined_new_ms

DjShimmer wrote: »

Hmmm enabler... can you elaborate a bit for me? I really want to work through this and plan our future but if its like this now what will it be like when we have children, dog and less income!!!

What do you think I may be doing or saying which is having the reaction he is having? Im open to critisism thats how much I want to try and get this sorted... I was even thinking about Marriage counsellors... God I we have only been married a year It really really worries me.

I have always had to stand on my own two feet, moved out when I was young, lived lots of places, had various jobs etc etc.. but when I met him he was still at home, had been stuck in the same job for 10 years, had never had to stand on his own two feet.. and he has really turned himself around... new Job this year, started driving all positives, but he hates being in debt and im sure he blames me for it... as he never had any outgoings when he lived at home. Just beer money and thats it.

I do feel responsible for a large chunk and im paying for it but also he has not been perfect by any means..

google it dj, also look up co-dependency. Lots of good advice on how to stop urself.

I guess what made me say that was the sentence that it was his parents fault they didn't push him. We all have to push ourselves to achieve. And we are all responsible for our own actions. No one is perfect and everyone makes poor choices at times. But we feel the consequences of those actions, feel upset/bad/guilty/fed up, whatever it is we feel, and then decide to do something about it. But if we have someone else to pick up the pieces, deal with the mess we never have to reflect on our decisions & the consequences and then don't have the opportunity to make life decisions based on these experiences and then we can blame others for those choices "it wasn't my fault if my parents/partner/boss had..."

He is perfectly entitled to not be ambitious and have a lower paid job, thats ok lots of ppl choose that but they then have to manage on less money. If he has low confidence in himself that is sad but he needs to take responsibility for changing that, not you. You can't improve his self-esteem - the clue is in the word its "self" - only he can.

My oh earns less than me, so he pays a little less into the bill account. When we had debts after bills he then had his disposible income which he had to choose how to split between debt & spending. When we go on holidays he then pays half of it. If we had joint debts he would need to pay half. Its all about balance & what THE TWO OF YOU think is resonable.

its not about what you are doing, its about how he is looking at life. When he is upset about something in his life you need to say "thats really tough/sad/difficult, what are you going to do about it?" As I say I am learning to do this myself and its hard up until now everytime my kids screw ed up I would try to resolve it, if they were upset I'd take them out & spend money on them to cheer them up, they got excluded from school I'd be running around convincing teachers to take them back, promising the earth but they did nothing. Now I say when they get themselves into situations "that must be really difficult for you. What are you planning to do about it?" I try not to be deviated from the topic and keep the focus on them and they're choices its hard. remember if he doesn't have a well paid job then he has less money to spend, not less debts/outgoings to pay.

I hope you find this helpful x

paulmapp8306

I think it depends on individual situations to some extent - however, while i agree with determined new ms if your are not married I dont if your married.

If your not married, you are responsible for your part for things. Half the mortgage/rent, half the food, half the bills etc. your paying your own way as you havent made a firm commitment "together". If he has little left - then thats his choice re job/income/ambition etc and he needs to live within the means that choice allows - or change.

Once your married however, you become a single entity really. You have a JOINT income, to pay all the living expenses. Once they have been paid you have a JOINT disposable income. If you (or anyone else) isnt prepared to live this way - then in truth your not prepared to accept marriage for what it is.

I am the "bread winner" in our family - earning 3 times what my wife did on her min wage (full time) job when we met, and when we married. I didnt expect her to pay half of everything once we were married. We paid the bills from the joint income, and spent what was left jointly 9if anything she got more than me - being a women clothes, make-up etc).

She then left her job as we had a family, and I supported her soley. She is now back in work part time - still on minimum wage though.

Having said all that - If you have a debt problem - that is ALSO a joint issue. As the main earner (and the one taking the initiative here) you should be making the final call. Yes it should be a joint discussion, and a joint decision BUT if there are parts you cant agree on - you have the moral right to make the choice as the main earner. Ultimately, combine your wages, pay the bills, then see whats left BETWEEN YOU. Pay the debts as best you can, and anything left gets spent JOINTLY, on things for both of you. While that may not be fair to some, you came into a JOINT relationship KNOWING the financial situation of both partners (at least I assume so). While that means you supporting you hubby in some ways (i.e. if they were initially his debts) it ALSO means you hubby needs to understand whats going on and abide by you're current spending policy. f he doesnt/cant then he is just as "wrong" as you are if you decide "its my money and his debts".