in a dilemma about access

karen24_2

I really don't know what to do for the best, please can you give your opinions as to what you would do in this situation.
I'm divorced from the father of my two children, the eldest aged 8 has a disability that means he is easily influenced and has obsessions. When we divorced we had an informal arrangements regarding access and overnight visits, I had concerns initially because of his abuse of alcohol in front of the kids and he let them stay up late etc.
My eldest son then started saying that his dad let him watch certain television programs which I and others considered inappropriate for any child, let alone a child like ours. I discussed the drinking and the television etc and it seemed to get sorted out or so I thought. Recently the youngest child has been saying he doesn't want to go anymore, and the oldest has started displaying some new inappropriate behaviour. When questioned it appears that is a certain character on an adult sketch show that spits and swears so he is copying.
I'm so stressed out about it because whenever I try and talk to their father about it he doesn't take me seriously, and he obviously hasn't listened at all to my previous concerns.
I don't know whether I should stop his overnight visits and let him take me to court, because in my heart something just tells me that this is a damaging relationship.

Plans_all_plans

Do you get on well with your ex's parents? If so, could you bring it up with them and see if they'd act as mediators about the TV issue?

I'd not normally advocate cutting off contact, but at the same time I know 100% that if I felt someone was doing something damaging that would impact negatively on my child's behaviour, I'd stop my child from staying with them.

I'm not sure legally where you stand on it though, but I understand where you're coming from.

karen24_2

I tried to talk to her about him having a flea infestation at his and the kids coming home with flea bites, I arranged with her that he could have the overnight visits there until he sorted his house out. I then find out she undermined me and put them in a nappy for bed, this really upset the kids as they are not babies.
I discussed this with their Father and I received a nasty text from his mother, so as you can imagine this has soured our relationship somewhat.
I'm wound up even thinking about it, as she puts the disability down to bad parenting on my part I'm guessing she's unaware of (or chooses to ignore) the inappropriate tv etc.
I think I may just follow my instincts and allow him to visit them here and not allow overnight access for the time being. I'm reluctant to let them out of my sight as I don't trust him anymore.

jenhug

In this instance, (and having an adhd Asperger child myself) I'd stop overnight access and explain why. Might be worth you getting in touch with a support group and solicitor for advice too.

karen24_2

I can't really afford a solicitor as I don't qualify for legal aid, I think I'll have to see which ones offer a free half hour. Hopefully I can get enough advice in that time. I really want him to see his children, even when he stopped paying maintenance I never stopped contact or bad mouthed him to them.
I feel betrayed that he doesn't care enough to protect his vulnerable children from tv that is totally inappropriate.He's caused a lot of upset by having his autistic child get attached to his cat and kittens and getting rid of them without any thought for how it might affect his child, he should have thought more carefully about getting a cat and allowing it to have kittens. To make matters worse he kept telling me to help him find a charity for his pets or he would dispose of them into a river.

jamespir

you dont say how old your kids (just noticed ones 8)are so its hard to make an informed descion but if you feel that hes not doing the right thing dont let them stay
regards the innapropiate behaiviour are you sure hes got this from the father and not from school

karen24_2

It's definitely from tv, I asked him to think about what he says before a swear word came out and he told me that I saw it on tv at his dads so it's ok. He actually gave me a specific character's name and described the spitting as being cool and that he wants to be just like him. I googled Jason Bent and the first scene I saw depicted spitting, last year he had them watching balls of steel and they even watched a Quentin Tarantino film there.
I'm not claiming to be the perfect mum here, but it doesn't take a genius to say that children aged 8 and 6 shouldn't be watching anything that is aired after 9pm.

jamespir

karen24 wrote: »

It's definitely from tv, I asked him to think about what he says before a swear word came out and he told me that I saw it on tv at his dads so it's ok. He actually gave me a specific character's name and described the spitting as being cool and that he wants to be just like him. I googled Jason Bent and the first scene I saw depicted spitting, last year he had them watching balls of steel and they even watched a Quentin Tarantino film there.
I'm not claiming to be the perfect mum here, but it doesn't take a genius to say that children aged 8 and 6 shouldn't be watching anything that is aired after 9pm.

thats fair enough and i agree
watching that at 8 perhaps is not right
and maybe have another word with dad

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Does abuse of alcohol mean that he's an alcoholic or that you don't approve of someone having a bottle of beer at the end of a day?

If it's the former, who gives a toss about TV if he's drinking when he's supposed to be looking after 2 children?

karen24_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Does abuse of alcohol mean that he's an alcoholic or that you don't approve of someone having a bottle of beer at the end of a day?

If it's the former, who gives a toss about TV if he's drinking when he's supposed to be looking after 2 children?

As long as I have known him he has always drunk to excess, but as is often the case people like this have a high tolerance to alcohol and believe they are fine. I do not have an issue with him having a couple of cans when the boys are in bed, and have discussed this with him.
There have been several occasions when he has taken one or both on a day out, and when I've picked them up he has been smelling and acting like he's had a lot to drink. I have always kept giving him second chances when it comes down to seeing the boys, on one occasion I had to book a hotel late at night in a town miles away. He was drunk and misjudged the train times, another regular thing unfortunately. I had my older son at home in bed or I would have driven out to collect my youngest, I was worried sick that night:(.
I waited until he was sober and had the conversation about drinking, he's not as bad now but for obvious reasons I'm paranoid about what goes on.

karen24_2

Until I woke up and smelled the coffee I didn't think about him as having a problem with alcohol. He'd convinced me, and I'd deluded myself that because he didn't drink on a work night he was fine.