My Dad has a terminal illness, what should I be thinking about?

Mojisola

Giddytimes wrote: »

Yes he has a will, I don't think he has nominated an executor though, I hadn't thought about that. It shouldn't be too hard, I suspect everything will pass to my Mum.

I can't imagine anyone could have a will without naming an executor - it's a vital part of it. Do check in case a firm of solicitors/willwriters has been named as the executor. They will charge the estate a lot of money and you would be capable of doing the work yourself.

Would your father be willing to transfer the money from his account into their joint account? How would he feel about letting your Mum transfer the utility bills into her name now? Some people would find sorting these things out made them feel good; others would hate to do, would feel as if you were hurrying them on their way.

Oldernotwiser

Mojisola wrote: »

We've got a wonderful hospice. Don't you have one in your area?

The OP doesn't say his father has cancer. If he doesn't, he has very little chance of a hospice place.

I always wonder why people assume it's cancer when "terminal illness" is mentioned?

Mojisola

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

The OP doesn't say his father has cancer. If he doesn't, he has very little chance of a hospice place.

Why are hospices restricted to caring for people with cancer?

https://www.helpthehospices.org.uk/about-us/ says "We want the very best care for everyone facing the end of life."

PasturesNew

For accounts, if you get your dad to sign the paperwork so it's a joint account, then the direct debits will continue to be paid out and your mum's got access to the money; once he's gone and the bank are informed of his death, the account will then change to be your mum's name. It minimises disruption to bills payments so buys a bit of time in the transition.

getmore4less

I would recommend reading end of life books, depending on the illness and how it progresses being aware of the changes can be helpfull for both of you.

I read them and was very unsure about some of what was said(some reads as a bit of mumbo jumbo) but it mostly happened.

Also depending on the condition and the support it might need get GP,district nursing and the doctors dealing with the case on side and ask questions about what help should be available, especialy if planning to try and stay at home, we had to drag stuff out of district that should have been automatic.

if cancer you can get help and from marie curie they provide home nursing to help give some respite time to family we got 2 nights a week.

If likely to need pain medications get on top of that early and have a plan to support, initialy my mum wanted to self medicate but we had to step in.


Finances it might be worth just getting everything* made/transfered into the joint accounts that way there will be little/no work on the probate side and the IHT form will be simple if the totals are low.


get forms PA1and IHT205 they cover the basics


* You have to watch for any capital gains issues with gifts/going joint so depends how much the total is if this will be an issue.


Now is the time to ask all the things you never could before, and get out the photo albums to get names places for all the historic stuff before you memories.

Oldernotwiser

Mojisola wrote: »

Why are hospices restricted to caring for people with cancer?

https://www.helpthehospices.org.uk/about-us/ says "We want the very best care for everyone facing the end of life."

I totally agree with your question. However, the number of non cancer patients receiving hospice care is minimal and a disgrace. I'll dig some figures out for you - you'll be shocked.

ETA.

Figures from 2005

"LESS THAN 5% OF PATIENTS HAVE A NON-CANCER DIAGNOSIS. The NCHSPCS state:

"The percentage of patients gaining access to specialist palliative care services who have a non-cancer diagnosis is only 4.3% for both in-patient and home care whereas it could be expected that the percentage gaining access would be between 25 and 50% if access reflected need."

floss2

My brothers and I have been through this twice as both our parents died of cancer (dad in 1991 & mum in 2005), and all I would say is take each day as it comes. You will all have good days and not-so-good days.

Re hospices - does your dad want to go into one? My father wouldn't entertain the idea, but my mum started visiting her local hospice as a day patient, then would go in for a couple of weeks, then spent several weeks there but eventually died at home as my dad did. If he's not sure, suggest that he asks his GP to arrange a visit, and you & your mum should go with him. They have an amazing array of support, not just for the patient, but for the whole family, children included.

You should also talk to him, ask him about his family and his life, ask him about his memories of when he was your age or when he was a kid. My biggest regret is that I didn't do this with my dad, mainly because I had a young family to think about and their routine to keep to.

Finally, don't forget to grieve. Just because the death is expected doesn't make it any less upsetting.

Best wishes to all of your family, and PM me if you want to talk or ask anything from an "expert" of parental terminal illness.

Floss xx

Enlightenment

I went through this years ago with my Dad, he had Leukemia and was younger. The advice I can give you is support him which I'm sure you are doing already, cherish every moment with him and get some counseling both before and after as you will need this. Also look after your Mum,if possible get someone else to deal with the financial side so you, your Mum can spend as much quality time with him.